Love Languages: A Simple Way to Better Understand Each Other

If you have ever felt like you and your partner care about each other but still somehow miss each other, love languages might help explain why. Maybe you show love by helping out, while your partner wants undivided attention or kind words. That disconnect can make a good relationship feel surprisingly lonely.

In this post, we’ll look at what the five love languages are, what they can look like in real life, and how they can help you feel more connected.

IN THIS ARTICLE:

If you want to better understand how you and your partner express and receive love, keep reading.

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

Let’s start simple. The idea behind the 5 Love Languages comes from marriage counselor Gary Chapman, who suggested that people tend to have preferred ways to express and receive love.

The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts. The framework became popular because it gives couples an easy way to talk about something that often feels hard to explain.

Here’s the quick version:

• Words of affirmation: Loving words, praise, encouragement, appreciation
• Quality time: Focused, uninterrupted time together
• Acts of service: Helpful actions that make life easier
• Physical touch: Affection, closeness, and touch that help you feel connected
• Receiving gifts: Thoughtful items that show care and intention

A lot of people like this framework because it puts language around a common relationship problem: “I know you love me, but I’m not really feeling it.”

Research has added some nuance here, but it still points to something important. A 2022 PLOS ONE study found that when partners responded more closely to each other’s preferred ways of receiving affection, they reported higher relationship satisfaction. In other words, when people feel loved in the way that lands for them, it can make a real difference.

Words of Affirmation

If words of affirmation matter most to you, then language carries a lot of emotional weight. Kind words, encouragement, appreciation, and verbal affection can go a long way. You may feel especially loved when your partner says things like, “I’m proud of you,” “Thank you for everything you do,” or “I really appreciate you.”

Tips for Speaking the “Words of Affirmation” Love Language 

• Be genuine and authentic; they will be able to tell if you are faking it.
• Show empathy and validate them. Tell them about how what they feel and think makes sense.
• Compliment them. Tell them what you are grateful for and what you appreciate.
• Say “I love you” often and tell them why you love them.
• Try non-verbal options like writing cards, notes, and Post-it notes. You could also share poems, quotes, or song lyrics that remind you of them.
• Point out what they excel at.
• Make a list ahead of time so you have some ideas of what to say.

Deployed or Long Distance:

Send sweet texts, emails, or voice notes that tell your partner what you appreciate, admire, and love about them. During phone or video calls, make space to say encouraging and affectionate things out loud so they can hear your care directly from you. You can also mail handwritten letters, cards, or little notes they can hold onto and reread whenever they need to feel close to you.

Things to Avoid in the Words of Affirmation Language

Since words carry so much weight for the person whose love language is words of affirmation, negative blaming and criticism words have a powerfully negative impact. Just as positive words have an impact, the negative ones do too. You’ll want to avoid:

• Blaming them
• Name Calling
• Critical Remarks
• Teasing too much
• Using hurtful words
• Saying what you know will hurt them during a fight
• Condescending comments
• Trying to convince them they are wrong or actually think differently from what they are telling you
• Withholding words of affirmation as a form of punishment or to get your point across

Quality Time

With the Quality Time Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when you give them your undivided attention. Quality Time looks like looking into your partner’s eyes when talking, giving them your full attention, and wholeheartedly doing things they enjoy with them.

As with all the love languages, quality time does not have to be huge, like a weeklong trip to the Bahamas. It can be smaller actions, such as spending 15-20 minutes at night talking about your days together, having a weekly date night, or going on a picnic together.

Tips for Speaking the “Quality Time” Love Language

• Do a weekend camping or glamping trip. 
• Have a weekly date night where it is time for just the two of you.
• Go on a walk and talk with your partner.
• Take 15-20 minutes each day to talk to each other about how your days went.
• Do an activity together, like bike riding or kayaking.

Deployed or Long Distance:

Create a website together where you can share daily news and latest photos; keep a phone journal and share it with your partner; plan phone dates when possible.

Things to Avoid with the Quality Time Love Language

Since focused attention and quality conversation are so important for the person whose love language is quality time, distractions and multitasking will have a negative impact on them. You’ll want to avoid:

• Distractions when spending time together—put away your phone.
• Going a long time without one-on-one time together.
• Prioritizing time with friends and group activities without enough one-on-one time first.
• Not adding to the conversation. Make sure to ask questions, summarize the things you heard, and share what you are feeling.

Acts of Service

With the Acts of Service Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when you do things for them that you know they would like.

Acts of service may be doing chores around the house, helping your partner study for a test or prepare for a presentation, or even cooking dinner for your partner and making sure to eat dinner together.

As with all the love languages, acts of service do not have to be huge–like redoing the roof of the house. They can be small actions such as opening the door for your partner, helping clean up after dinner, or making the bed every day. 

Tips for Speaking the “Acts of Service” Love Language

• Make a list of the things your partner has asked you to do recently and pick one to do.
• Ask your partner to make a list of things that they would like you to do over the next month and to prioritize the list for you. Then use the list to help you plan out ways to show them love.
• Do something your partner has been critical about, as this is your partner trying to tell you what is important to them.
• If you have the money for it, consider hiring someone to help with the requests your partner has been making—maybe yard work once a month or house cleaning.

Deployed or Long Distance:

• If you are at home, do house projects and send before-and-after photos to your partner; try to get things done on your own so your partner doesn’t need to do anything on the “honey-do list” when they get home.  
• If you are the one deployed or you are a long-distance couple, arrange for things to be taken care of so your partner doesn’t have to worry about it—like arranging for the lawn to get mowed, childcare, a cleaning service, etc.

Things to Avoid with the Acts of Service Love Language

Since actions are so important for the person whose love language is acts of service, ignoring their requests will make them feel emotionally deprived of love. You’ll want to avoid:

• Ignoring requests from your partner.
• Prioritizing the requests of other people over your partner’s requests.
• Lack of follow-through. If you say you are going to do something, do it.
• Assuming the things you are doing daily are what your partner wants you to do. If you cook dinner every day, but what your partner really wants is help with the kids, then their love tank will still feel empty because you aren’t doing the things they are longing for. The best thing is to ask them what you can help with and listen to their requests.

Physical Touch

With the Physical Touch Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when they receive physical touch and affection from their partner.  Touch, like hugs, kisses, hand-holding, and cuddling, has a significant impact on making them feel loved. This could also be kissing your partner on the cheek as they walk by, or touching their arm as you move around them in the kitchen. 

Individuals whose love language is physical touch tend to be touchy with the people who are close to them. They might hug people, play fight, tickle, or cuddle with those who are important to them. They tend to be very affectionate toward others.

​Tips for Speaking the “Physical Touch” Love Language

• Frequently give hugs and kisses to your partner.
• Hold hands
• Touch your partner as you walk by them—a shoulder squeeze, a hand on their back, a kiss on the cheek.
• Give your partner massages and back rubs.
• Play with your partner’s hair.
• Cuddle while you binge your favorite show.
• Sit next to your partner on the couch, at the table, or at a restaurant or event.

Deployed or Long Distance:

Try mailing your partner a shirt that smells like you, talk about how you want to touch them (non-sexually and sexually), and have video chats where you have each other’s undivided attention.

Things to Avoid with the Physical Touch Love Language

Since physical touch is so important for the person whose love language is physical touch, negative touch has an equally negative impact. You’ll want to:

• Avoid withholding affection when you are angry. During a fight, your partner will need to know you still care, and one way to do that is to still hug them and touch them even when there is a disagreement.
• Avoid going long periods without physical touch if possible. You don’t want your partner to feel neglected.
• Avoid rejecting your partner when they touch you. If you scoff or treat them coldly when they touch you, this will hurt them deeply. Instead, be open and receptive to their touch.

Receiving Gifts

With the Gift Giving Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when they receive meaningful gifts from their partner.  Gifts like small notes, mementos, or their favorite dessert or candy can make them feel loved.

The gift does not have to be big or expensive, though. In fact, the frequency of small gifts could make a bigger impact on your partner than expensive gifts if their love language is gifts.

Individuals whose love language is gifts tend to give gifts to the people who are close to them. They might buy coffee for someone, bake a cake for someone’s birthday, or make crafts or artwork for those who are important to them. They tend to be very giving toward others. 

​Tips for Speaking the “Gift” Love Language

• Get them a box of candy,
• Buy them flowers or pick flowers for them while on a walk.
• Try making art for your partner—crafts like painting, ceramics, woodworking, etc.
• Pick them up coffee or make them coffee and bring it to them.
• Get your partner a book or an audiobook to read/listen to together.
• Try a coupon book for your partner.
• Keep a notebook of the things your partner says they would really like to give you as gift ideas.

Deployed or Long Distance:

Try mailing your partner a care package with different notes to open up at designated times. Remember to include pictures or items from your favorite memories together.

Things to Avoid with the Gifts Love Language

Since meaningful gifts are so important for the person whose love language is gifts, non-meaningful gifts will have less of an impact. You’ll want to avoid:

• Avoid generic gift cards. If you go the gift card route, make sure it is to something they REALLY love.  
• Avoid forgetting birthday or anniversary gifts. Set a reminder for yourself to get something in advance if this is not your language!
• Avoid only getting them gifts on special occasions. You want to make sure you give them some small gifts regularly.
• Avoid rejecting your partner’s gifts when they give you something. This is them showing you that you are important to them. Make sure to show them that you appreciate it.

Primary and Secondary Types of Love Languages

According to Gary Chapman, every person has one primary love language, the way they most deeply receive and express love. Your primary language is like your emotional home base: when it’s spoken, your love tank fills up; when it’s ignored, even small disconnections can feel big.

For example, my best friend’s primary love language is gifts. When I bring her something thoughtful, she lights up. But if I forget her birthday? It stings.

Chapman’s Five Love Languages Theory also suggests that most people have a secondary love language, which still brings comfort and connection but with a gentler effect. For my friend, words of affirmation feel nice, but they don’t carry the same emotional weight as a heartfelt gift.

Here’s what that can mean in everyday life:

• Your primary language might be quality conversation or physical contact. You crave closeness through shared time or affectionate touch.
• Your partner’s love language might be acts of service. They feel most loved when you help out or take initiative.
• Married couples and romantic partners often discover they love differently, and learning to translate that is part of building lasting love.
• According to Chapman, couples thrive when they make an effort to learn each other’s preferred language, a kind of emotional “walking the walk” rather than just talking the talk.

So take a moment to reflect: which of the five ways do you most long for when you want to be loved? And which one helps your partner feel closest to you? That small awareness can make a big difference in creating a healthy relationship that feels emotionally fluent and full.

The Importance of Love Languages in Relationships

Maybe you show love by helping with responsibilities, checking things off the to-do list, and being dependable. Meanwhile, your partner is craving eye contact, a long talk, and your full attention. You are showing care. They are still feeling lonely. That mismatch can create a lot of confusion in a relationship.

This is exactly why love languages in relationships matter. They remind us that love is not only about what we intend. It is also about what the other person actually experiences. 

When you understand your partner’s primary love language, you are more likely to:

• Make them feel loved and appreciated
• Avoid common misunderstandings
• Communicate affection more clearly
• Feel more connected in everyday life

It also helps take some of the personal sting out of things. Instead of thinking, “Why do they never show love the way I need?” you start asking, “What if they are showing love, just in a different language?”

That shift alone can soften a lot of tension. And that is why love languages are worth paying attention to. They give couples a clearer map for how to care for each other well.

What Happens When You and Your Partner Have Different Love Language Types?

When you and your partner speak different emotional “dialects,” it can feel like you’re both trying hard but missing the mark. The good news? You can learn to understand each other’s love languages with a little awareness, curiosity, and consistency. Here’s how to start rebuilding closeness, one intentional step at a time:

• Step 1: Identify your own and your partner’s top love languages. Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz, or simply talk through real-life examples of what makes you each feel valued. 
• Step 2: Try “speaking the language” your partner prefers. Maybe your partner’s love language is quality time, while yours is words. Try small, consistent ways to express care, like setting aside 15 minutes of undistracted time. 
• Step 3: Notice subtle shifts in closeness. When you intentionally express your love in your partner’s style, you might feel warmer responses, easier laughter, or more gentle touches.
• Step 4: Talk about what feels genuine. It’s okay if some gestures feel awkward at first. Honest reflection helps both of you grow a love and a relationship that feels emotionally safe and authentic.
• Step 5: Focus on consistency, not perfection. Love languages also remind us that small, steady actions, over grand gestures, build the most lasting trust and affection.

Every couple can benefit from learning to express their love in different ways. As Chapman often said, a lasting connection isn’t about finding one love language and sticking to it; it’s about listening, adapting, and showing love in a way that makes your partner feel truly seen.

Want an easy way to put this into practice? Sometimes it helps to move from insight into action with something simple and doable. 

Our 100 Date Night Ideas for Your Love Language download gives you practical ideas to help you connect in ways that feel meaningful to both of you. It’s a fun next step if you want to explore love languages in relationships beyond just talking about them.

Ready to Feel Closer, Not Just Less Stuck?

At Communicate & Connect Counseling, couples go beyond learning about love languages. They discover the deeper emotional patterns that shape how they reach for each other.

Using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), our therapists help you notice what’s happening in real time, when bids for closeness miss the mark, and guide you toward repair with empathy and clarity.

If you’ve been feeling distant or misunderstood, couples therapy can help you reconnect, rebuild trust, and learn to love and be loved in ways that truly land. Start your journey toward a closer, more connected relationship today. Schedule a consultation!