How to Support Neurodivergent Teens Without Trying to “Fix” Them with Jamie Roberts

Episode Summary of “How to Support Neurodivergent Teens Without Trying to “Fix” Them with Jamie Roberts”

When our kids are struggling, our natural instinct as parents is often to jump right into problem-solving mode. We want to push harder, structure tighter, or fix whatever is going wrong. But what if the more you try to fix, the less safe they actually feel on the inside?

In this episode of the Communicate & Connect Podcast, I sit down with Jamie Roberts, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author who specializes in working with neurodivergent and neuroqueer teenagers. Jamie courageously shares her own journey as a late-diagnosed adult with ADHD, autism, and dyslexia, explaining how different life looks when a teen is met with curious connection instead of high-pressure compliance demands.

We unpack the intense tug-and-pull of the teenage years—where kids crave independence but still deeply need to be taken care of. Jamie introduces the beautiful metaphor of “bowling alley bumpers” to describe healthy parental boundaries and explains how to shift from viewing a child’s behavior as “defiance” to seeing it as a cry for nervous system regulation. Whether your teen has a formal diagnostic label or simply thinks a little outside the box, this episode will help you slow down, drop the blame, and build a bridge of authentic emotional safety.

Guest Speaker Bio – Jamie Roberts

Jamie D. Roberts (she/her) is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Autistic, ADHD, Dyslexic and Neuroqueer. She is the author of Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety and Neurodiversity for Teen girls. She is the founder of Equilibrium Counseling Services, a teen mental health center and NeuroPebble, a neurodiversity continuing education program. She is the Neurodivergent Therapist throughout social media and is an active speaker on Neurodivergent and Teen topics with the goal of becoming who she needed when she was younger.

Connect with Jamie Roberts:

• Neurodivergent Therapist: Website | Facebook | Instagram
• Equilibrium Counseling Services: Website | Facebook | Instagram | YouTube
• Book: Neurodiversity for Teen Girls
• Book: Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety

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Episode Transcript for “How to Support Neurodivergent Teens Without Trying to “Fix” Them with Jamie Roberts”

Hi, I’m Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, and you’re about to start communicating more clearly and feeling more connected in your relationships with this podcast. As a marriage and family therapist, I help people change relationship patterns that feel automatic, those reactions that just kick in before you even realize that they’re happening.

And for over 10 years, I’ve worked with people who do hard things for a living, and yet they still feel stuck when it comes to connection in their relationships. This podcast isn’t about scripts or formulas or doing relationships the right way. Instead, it’s about slowing down reactive moments, understanding what’s underneath them, and helping relationships feel more like a team again.

So if you want things to feel better, to feel calmer, steadier, and more at ease in your closest relationships, then this podcast is for you. Because here you’ll start to learn how to pause conflict, understand what’s happening emotionally, and then respond instead of react. And when you do that, connection starts to feel more possible.

Quick note though, this podcast is educational only and isn’t a substitute for professional therapy or counseling. If you need individualized support, please consider working with a mental health counselor. Okay, let’s dive in. I’m really glad you’re here.

You’re listening to episode 84, How to Support Neurodivergent Teens Without Trying to “Fix” Them with Jamie Roberts.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Jamie, thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Jamie Roberts: Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here and talk about my favorite topic.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah. Yeah, great.

Meet Jamie Roberts

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So can you introduce yourself a little bit and tell us what made you really interested in working with neurodivergent teens?

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. So my name is Jamie Roberts. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, and I predominantly work with neurodivergent, neuroqueer teenagers and young adults. I have been working with this age group for over 14 years, and I just love teenagers. I have a group private practice where that is our specialty.

Jamie Roberts: I also teach courses on neurodiversity and the teen experience because there’s a lot of identity work that’s going on during that developmental age when you’re understanding your brain and your body and your relationships and who am I, who I wanna be. And I think it’s just such a rich topic to explore with someone.

Jamie Roberts: I also have two books. My first book is Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety, where we talk about a lot of somatic and body-based mindfulness activities to help regulate that also can be discreet in the classroom. And then my second book is out April 2026, on neurodiversity for teen girls.

Jamie Roberts: And a big driver for me has been to become who I needed when I was younger. I was undiagnosed as a kid. I experienced a lot of anxiety and depression and burnout growing up. And in my late twenties, early thirties, got my ADHD, autism, and dyslexic diagnosis. And so it’s been a mix of supporting teens ’cause, like, teen years were hard for me. And then also learning about my brain later on and how having that information when I was younger would have made such a difference.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I’m so glad to know that about you, and I’m thinking right now about how we probably need an episode at some point about just navigating that as an adult. So many people are finding out a diagnosis in their adulthood, learning how to navigate it for the first time, couples learning how to navigate that.

Jamie Roberts: We’ve had a big boom in expansion of information about neurodiversity as a whole in the last, like, five to seven years that has really given us a lot more information about ourselves and about how we’re raising and supporting our kids.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. So I’m gonna hold that in my mind for a future episode, but today we’re gonna talk about teens because it’s one of the main reasons that couples will come to couples therapy. You know, it’s one of the top three major challenges: money, s*x, and kids. And you know, one of the things that I was thinking about for this episode is that I think a lot of the parents listening, they might assume that, like, the teenage years and adolescence would make things a lot clearer.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: There’s, like, more independence, more maturity. But for neurodivergent teens, that’s maybe not always the case, and that can maybe feel a bit confusing.

Teen Independence Tension

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: What do you wish parents understood earlier about their teens and their teens in our world if they are neurodivergent?

Jamie Roberts: Yeah. One of the hardest aspects for teens in general no matter their neurotype, is we have this idea that they are gonna be more mature or they are gonna take on more responsibility, and yet they are still kids. And a lot of the situations they’re facing, it’s their first time facing it and figuring it out as well.

Jamie Roberts: And that’s the big tug and pull that makes this age so hard, is they do want the independence, right? But they also, like, “But, like, still take care of me.” And parents are like, “You can handle this, but you’re a kid. I’m still in charge.” And so there is this back and forth that can really change quickly depending on the situation that can make it really confusing across the board.

Jamie Roberts: if there’s actively working on curiosity and clarity about how expectations might gradually change over time, about who is in charge of what, and what might be situations where that leading and responsibility might be shifting. Cause it can totally change just based on who the kid is hanging out with, what the workload is, what the family expectations are about who’s in charge.

Jamie Roberts: And when we don’t know who’s in charge, is it the teen? Is it the parent? For that responsibility piece can make it really confusing, and where some of the contention tends to show up.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I was just thinking like clear communication.

What Neurodiversity Means

Jamie Roberts: So when we’re talking about neurodiversity and neurodivergent, I also wanna make the clarity that it’s a social idea that everybody’s brains are diverse and different, and there’s not a one way of thinking. Our society has an idea of what is normal or we call, like, neuronormative, and society wants us to fit into that neuronormative box.

Jamie Roberts: And if you’re outside of that box or you can’t perform normativity, then you are neurodivergent. And so it’s not just ADHD and autism. It’s anxiety, it’s depression, it’s traumatic brain injury, it’s attachment trauma, it’s bipolar disorder. It’s just having difficulty communicating, or sensory processing, or learning disabilities, and it’s not all just diagnostic labels.

Jamie Roberts: But it’s just the fact that we think differently. And I think especially if we think about teenagers, they think differently than adults, and they think differently than kids.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. I like what you’re pointing out here because there is a diagnostic label that somebody could have, but then there is the larger idea of neurodiversity that everyone’s brain is different. And it’s different at different parts of our lifespan, and then different with different types of diagnoses or just, you know, there’s just diversity.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: We’re all different in this way.

Jamie Roberts: Right.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And I’m hearying you say like we need to be tailoring what we’re doing to fit each individual. What might work for one couple’s child might not work for their second child or their third child or their fourth child. And also the importance of sort of stair-stepping into adulthood.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Cause I’m hearing that’s the tension point is like, do I treat you like a little mini adult or do I treat you like a kid still? And how do you transition them in the different categories, I guess, of life.

Jamie Roberts: Yeah.

Bowling Bumpers Parenting

Jamie Roberts: I often like to think about it, like, when you go to the bowling alley and there’s the bumpers along the sides. That’s kind of what we’re doing with our teenagers, and we’re like, “Yeah, go do it on your own. But we’ve got some bumpers in place just in case things get off track. I want you to do it independently, and if it doesn’t work, I’m here to help you fix it, but not to criticize or reprimand or have you get in trouble, but this is now a learning experience.”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I love that idea of the bumpers, and that’s like such a good metaphor. I could totally see it. Treating things like a learning experience for them versus an expectation for them to get it right, especially the first time.

Jamie Roberts: Absolutely. There’s an idea that kids succeed when they can. And if they’re having a hard time meeting an expectation, it’s because there’s something in the way that’s making it hard to reach that expectation. And so sometimes we have to take steps backwards and be like, “Okay, if my kid’s having a hard time waking up in the morning to get to school, that doesn’t mean they’re being defiant or they’re resisting or they’re trying to fight with me, but what is making it hard waking up in the morning?”

Jamie Roberts: Like, let’s take steps back about what’s the alarm system? Are they hearing the alarm? is their circadian rhythm off? Because most teenagers are not morning people, especially neurodivergent teenagers. Our dopamine cycles are skewed, and we are night owls. So let’s look back to what is sleep like?

Jamie Roberts: What was the night before like? What was that afternoon like? Cause we’re wanting to backtrack to see what some of those barriers might be and not just seeing it as in this moment there’s conflict and defiance. But if a kid could wake up easily, they’d like to wake up easily. Nobody likes to have hard mornings.

Jamie Roberts: So what are the things getting in the way to make this certain interaction more difficult?

Defiance or Overload

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I like that you’re talking about that because I’m thinking that a lot of parents, especially if they’re like, “Well, you’re not following the rules,” or, “I told you to do this and you’re not doing it.” They would assume that it would be defiance. Like that could be a very natural assumption that somebody might make.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And so I’m wondering how can parents tell the difference between, is this defiance or is this like a nervous system overload type of thing?

Jamie Roberts: My first thought would be to initially default to, “Let me find out if this is a nervous system thing,” before having the first thought be defiance. And knowing that in the moment, if we’re in conflict or you’re feeling that sort of tension, that might not be the time to do the exploration because everyone is dysregulated in that moment.

Jamie Roberts: How do we reregulate and get back to baseline and then do that curiosity about like, ” Hey, what went wrong there? Hey, is there a different way I can ask that?” Or like, ” Did you need me to prompt you in a different way?” then do the curiosity of what happened that something got escalated, right? Because anytime things escalate, the nervous system is activated. Even if we wanna label it defiance, the nervous system is activated. Why? What need is not being met? What piece isn’t being seen? How do we find out where that is coming from? And that’s hard to do in the exact moment, right? Because everybody’s in that activated spot.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. As you were saying that, I was thinking about one of the phrases that we use in EFT family therapy, which is connect before you correct. But I’m almost thinking there are like three C’s in what I’m hearing you say, because it’s like calm down, then connect, then correct. And then problem solve.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: You know, it doesn’t always have to be immediately a correction, but figure out what’s going on and the solution.

Jamie Roberts: Yeah.

Plan Talks When Calm

Jamie Roberts: And so I encourage a lot of families to have some of these conversations outside of conflict times. Like, just make it a casual part of what your general conversations are. Bringing it up at times when tensions aren’t high, where there’s not an expectation, where you can just be like, “Hey, coming up this weekend we’ve got a lot going on, and I might have to remind you of stuff. What’s gonna be the best way for us to communicate that way?”

Jamie Roberts: ‘ Cause then you’re not in the moment, it’s not the frustration, it’s not the time pressure. It’s just like, “Hey, I’m pre-planning. I know I’m gonna have to remind you on Saturday about all the sports events we’re going to. How do you want me to send those reminders?”

Jamie Roberts: And even if you wanna decide that for the kid and be like, “Hey, I can either text you, I can tell it to you, or we can have it written on the schedule. Which one of those feels best?” Because then you can still keep it boundaried about this is what I’m capable of, or this is what our family system uses, and now you’re getting buy-in from your kid as well.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes, I like that. There’s so many skills that have to be learned to do what you just said. It sounds so simple, but it actually can be really hard because I have to calm down. I have to also anticipate where, through time and through learning together, what might be a challenge, to have the communication skills to talk about it, have the balance of what are my boundaries as an adult, as, like, the parent in this situation. And then how can I also make them flexible so you have a chance to have a voice and we can grow together.

Jamie Roberts: If we’re thinking about how hard that is for us to do as adults, how hard is it for teenagers to do who’ve never maybe had to do this before, or they’re still figuring out what that language is? So also, one, having compassion for ourselves that we’re still learning how to do it, and it is okay.

Jamie Roberts: There’s not a perfect way to do it, and we’re gonna make mistakes, and just because it doesn’t work doesn’t mean it’s a mistake either. That’s the whole learning experience as well. But if we’re having a hard time, how do we expect our kids to do it at the same level we’re doing it?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah.

Jamie Roberts: If I can’t stay calm, why am I expecting my kid to stay calm?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. I’m just having a thought in my mind about the importance of us as the adult learning these skills, so that way we can model them and implement them and teach them.

Jamie Roberts: I think it’s important because there’s some of the internal experience that our kids may not have the language for. And I think that’s what we often we see a behavior happening when they don’t have the words to describe what they’re feeling. And so if we can model that about like, “Oh, I’m feeling really frustrated,” or like, “Oh, I’m getting overwhelmed by this,” we start teaching them that language to be able to name it in the moment.

Jamie Roberts: Or even if we see it happening with our kid of like, “Hey, are you feeling frustrated? Are you feeling nervous? Are you feeling mad?” To help them get that language, because if they can’t name what they’re feeling… And how would they know what that name is if they’ve never heard it before? We have to say the hard things so that they know what that they can talk to us about the hard things.

Validate Without Caving

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I like this because where my mind is going is to what actually helps teens and kids feel safe because a lot of parents might feel like they are encouraging their kids and trying to push them. They might think that they’re really helping their kids by pushing them or having, really high standards or, like, “Here are the rules.”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And they could feel like it’s motivating them, but actually it might be overwhelming and having the opposite impact. And so this is one of those concrete tools that they could use that actually might help their kids more, is that they can, One is like slow everything down, calm it down first instead of reacting or trying to figure things out in the moment.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: But then also modeling and practicing themselves, teaching by example of emotional regulation skills or like emotional awareness and identifying what you feel and talking about.

Jamie Roberts: I like to remind parents that you can talk to your teens about how they feel about your rules and expectations without having to change the rule. I feel like sometimes there’s an idea, “Well, if I ask their opinion, then I have to change it, and then who’s actually in charge?” But you can keep your rule, you can keep your boundary, you can keep your expectation. But by inviting them into the conversation, then they get to feel like they have a voice in what’s happening in their life.

Jamie Roberts: And then you also get the insight about how they feel about it, and maybe you do wanna adjust it because it doesn’t need to be in that way. But now it’s a conversation, and then now your kid knows they can come to you if something doesn’t feel like it’s working, and you can either give an further explanation about, “Well, this is why the rule is what it is, and I hear that it’s frustrating for you or that you don’t like it, and I get it.

Jamie Roberts: Nobody wants to be home by a certain curfew. Valid. Doesn’t change the fact that that is still your curfew, and this is why the safety reasons are there for it.” Right? You can have that open dialogue and not change the rule, but validate their experience of being frustrated by the rule.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So that’s skill number two, validate their feelings, even if you’re not gonna do anything different with the actual boundaries and rules and expectations that you have as a parent. Yeah. Are there any other skills or things that you would really recommend to parents for supporting their kids, especially if their teens are neurodivergent?

Sensory Regulation Tools

Jamie Roberts: The two things that come to mind are the sensory pieces. That being able to sensory regulate or having sensory tools is so important for the nervous system. Whether we’re happy, sad, or frustrated, knowing what helps us regulate and having that be known within the family. And that can be, like, even just having like, a tasting board of sensory stuff, of like, “Let’s all figure out what we like,” or if somebody likes pressure or not pressure or touch or not touch.

Jamie Roberts: Like, we know some teens get to an age where like, “Do not hug me,” right? Respecting some of those boundaries, especially when the body is changing so much and they’re getting comfortable in their body and, like, stuff’s going on. If a teen doesn’t wanna be touched, valid. Don’t touch them. And what are times that that does feel comfortable.

Jamie Roberts: I think the sensory piece is gonna be big for helping the nervous system regulate across the board, and that’s something the whole family can work into. So if your kid’s got their headphones on all the time, doesn’t mean necessarily that they’re checking out of the family or don’t wanna be involved. But maybe it’s their way of regulating after being at a loud, busy school for eight hours. And how can we understand the reason for some of the actions as opposed to making our own assumptions about what their intentions are.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I really liked that idea of a tasting board that the whole family could do because then it, like all of us can know together that’s like a sensory coping skill. Like that works for each family member.

Jamie Roberts: And it’s very possible that the family has contrasting sensory needs, right? You might have one kid that vocal stims and needs to sing, and that helps them regulate, and another one that is sound sensitive. So how do we support both of those? Maybe there are certain times that, that the kid can be loud and certain times that, yeah, put your headphones on. Or we’re gonna be in different rooms or not to get mad at each other, but just like, all right, that’s what they’re needing right now, and kinda create the language around when needs might be in contrast.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I can see how that could really normalize that we all have different needs and everybody’s needs are valuable and important, and we just are finding ways to meet them all.

Jamie Roberts: Yeah. And I think that also comes in with communication of some people need, ” We need to talk about it right now. We’re gonna get to the bottom of this now.” And some people need processing time. And so how do we meet the need when one person needs to talk about it now and one person needs to process and kinda think about what they wanna say and regulate first?

Jamie Roberts: And setting some containment around that about, like, you need processing time, but I need us to come back to this within a certain timeframe ’cause I can’t sit in the unknown for too long. So being able to hold both of those. Cause when you’re really activated, it can be hard to come up with words.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I can see both of those. to come up with words and then hard to sit without words in the unknown. Both are so hard.

Jamie Roberts: That’s why I think the containment is important about, like, we’re gonna separate for 15 minutes and we’re gonna come back together. Or, like, we’re gonna go to our corners for 30 minutes, and I have to tolerate for 30 minutes, but I know we’re coming back to it. And I’ve got 30 minutes to regulate ’cause I know I have to come back to the conversation.

Jamie Roberts: That it’s not just open-ended that either one gets taken hostage of, like, “I’m gonna force you to talk now,” or, “I’m gonna give you the silent treatment for three days.” Like, there has to be an agreed-upon time that we’re coming back to the conversation.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. These are things that we do with couples too, but it is important for parent-child relationships also.

Curiosity and Real Talk

Jamie Roberts: I think the second one is really, leading with curiosity.

Jamie Roberts: Even if it’s just a general conversation about your kid’s day at school or if it’s about something bigger. Asking questions from a curious place versus a needing to dig for information or accusatory or any assumptions we might carry about teenagers, but being curious about, like, what things were like.

Jamie Roberts: And if we ask open-ended questions, they have to give sentences versus if you ask direct questions, you can get the like, “Um, I don’t know. Whatever. Okay.” And sometimes that’s just what it is. Sometimes I’ll ask if someone’s like, “I don’t know. It was whatever.” I’m like, “Okay, cool. What does whatever mean to you?”

Jamie Roberts: ‘ Cause I don’t wanna make an assumption ’cause whatever it means to me is different than what it means for you. What do you mean by whatever? Positive, negative, neutral? I know those are like therapy words and I say that as a therapist, but also, like, it can be checking in about, like, I don’t wanna assume by you saying nothing. Means that there’s attitude or you don’t wanna talk to me.

Jamie Roberts: But like, what do you mean nothing? Like, you don’t wanna talk right now? You wanna talk later? There’s literally nothing on your mind? What does that mean? So that curiosity piece as being that first step in any of the communication.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I really, really like that. What I think we’re kinda talking about in a broad sense is the difference between having teenagers that are just compliant and following all the rules that you have for them, and raising teens that feel really safe enough to come back to you and to tell you. Even if it’s telling you, “I don’t know,” and, like, “really, I don’t know,” and safe enough to say that.

Masking and Safety

Jamie Roberts: So specifically within the autistic space, there’s like masking and camouflaging that are ways in which we cope in society. Where camouflaging is like trying to blend into the normative society, and masking is like covering up some of our specific autistic traits.

Jamie Roberts: And some of us unintentionally know… are masking because we’re taught to do that at a young age, right? If we’re in class and we see somebody getting in trouble for wiggling in their chair, “I don’t wanna get in trouble, so I’m gonna suppress my wiggles.” And so it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily directly taught or intentional.

Jamie Roberts: It can be really much, ” I’ve seen how to stay safe in the environment, that if I do something socially, I can get bullied or made fun of. So I’m gonna suppress that part of myself so I don’t get bullied.” It can be a safety mechanism. And if you’re coming to school all day masking, that is exhausting by the end of the day.

Jamie Roberts: And maybe they don’t have the skills to continue masking at home, and that might be where you get more of the conflict or tension because they’re taking off that mask at the end of the day. Or maybe it’s so ingrained, we’ve come up with like people-pleasing tendencies or perfectionism of like you said, compliance, of agreeing.

Jamie Roberts: Mm-hmm. But kind of being curious about who the person is behind the mask. Who is their authentic self? How do they… Like, they have to perform or show up at school either to have friendships, to maintain safety, to just get through the day. Versus what their internal experience is, ’cause those are often quite different.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes, I’m really glad you’re adding this in because having like the perfect child is not healthy. it’s not healthy for them to be always following the rules, and always straight A’s, and always a picture perfect because then that is people pleasing and them not feeling safe to really just be themselves.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So what you’re saying is it’s not just safety to come back to you as the parent, but also safety to be themselves I’m maybe adding this piece, but to learn that there are safe places to be themselves even if they are experiencing a lot of pressure at school, to not be just who they are.

Jamie Roberts: Yeah. Absolutely of knowing that like, “I can let you know I’m having a hard time or I’m struggling.” And struggling doesn’t have to be in mental health. It can just be like, “I’m having a hard time keeping up with this class.” And exploring like what that might be that they’re having a hard time with this class versus, “Well, but you always keep up with it,” or, “Well, yeah, it’s because you haven’t been sleeping,” or, “You’ve been doing this.”

Jamie Roberts: But going to, “Okay, what’s feeling hard?” If they’re being vulnerable and letting you know something is difficult, how do we explore that to help support them?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I love that. That’s the relational piece between the parent and the child, the creating the safety that I can be vulnerable to share that with you.

Jamie Roberts: Yeah, ’cause what I see a lot with my teens is if they, let’s just say, make a misstep, then the shame comes up, then the fear comes up, and then they don’t wanna be seen any different. So then the lies start coming or the hiding it. And then they fall behind in something else, and then something else goes wrong, and then it becomes like a domino effect.

Jamie Roberts: And by the time it’s externally visible or the parents catch on or the teacher lets them know something happened, they’re so far into a hole it’s really hard to catch up on. And then parents can often feel deceived or betrayed or lied to, or who’s this person in front of me? But a lot of it comes back to that first moment when something goes wrong, and does the kid feel like they can tell the parent or tell anyone around them?

Jamie Roberts: And that doesn’t mean that the parent’s actually gonna do anything negative or wrong, but shame is a strong thing. And shame can come up to like, “I’m embarrassed. This doesn’t align with me, and if it doesn’t align with me, I don’t want people I love to see me different.”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. Yeah.

When Teens Lie

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: In an ideal world, parents and their teens would be working on communicating, and they would be kinda in prevention mode. But maybe there are parents who are listening to this episode, and they are, already several ways down the road where the kid is lying and is hiding things.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Do you have any tips for how those parents can start to backtrack and get back to the safety, and the open communication with their kids?

Jamie Roberts: First reflecting on why does your kid feel a need to lie? What is the reaction when a lie is uncovered? What are they trying to achieve? What are they lying specifically about, right? Because if every time a lie comes up, there’s a consequence and there’s a punishment, often it is, “Well, if I can get away for this long enough, I’m gonna be in trouble anyway. I’m gonna keep doing it ’cause I’m always in trouble.”

Jamie Roberts: So if we can switch from every action is in trouble, but getting to the core of it about not that the rules are too strict, but what is the thing the kid’s trying to achieve or reach? Why can’t it be talked about? What are the alternative ways, right?

Jamie Roberts: The consequence has to match what happened. And if there’s constant consequences, are there ways to also earn back privilege? How can my behaviors also get me access to things, not just take things away from me?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I like that.

Key Takeaway and Resources

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: If there was just one thing from the conversation that you wanted parents to remember and take away, what do you think that would be?

Jamie Roberts: The one thing would be to remember that your teen is still a child. And it’s their first time here also, and they’re figuring it out. And being curious about the child in front of you. Even if they’re looking like an adult, even if they’re trying to act like an adult, they’re still a kid that does need to be led and guided, and needs the nurturing, and needs those small, soft, playful moments as well.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Great. I love that. If people wanted to connect with you or they wanted to get your books or something like that, how could they find you?

Jamie Roberts: On social media, I am @neurodivergenttherapist on every platform. You can find me there for some of that contact and to stay up to date with where I’m at. Depending on when you’re listening to this, where I’m at in the world and what I’m doing. I do a lot of speaking at conferences and schools and organizations, so I like to continue to share that information.

Jamie Roberts: if you are wanting more specific training or clinical stuff, I have a program called NeuroPebble. So, kind of like the neurodivergent love language of penguin pebbling. Penguins see a shiny rock and they’re like, “I like to share my shiny rock with my favorite penguin.” A lot of neurodivergent people find shiny, pretty thing and say, “This is how I show I care about you.”

Jamie Roberts: So at NeuroPebble, we share our shiny ideas. and we have a lot of trainings on different types of neurodiversity and intersecting life experiences. It is geared more towards clinicians, but parents are absolutely welcome to take a look at the courses. We have a number of free courses as well there. And then both of my books are available anywhere books are sold.

Jamie Roberts: So the first one is Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety, and the second one is Neurodiversity for Teen Girls. And they are both written for the teenager, but it is also a great tool for parents, teachers, caregivers, to kinda use some of that language. I like that there’s a lot of translating that needs to happen between adult speak and teen speak.

Jamie Roberts: And so the books also have some of that language understanding to make it easier to bring some of that information to your teenager.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: That’s great. I love that translating from adult speech to teen speech. So we will have all of the links to everything that Jamie just mentioned in our show notes, so that way you can simply go click. And if you found this episode helpful, I would love it if you shared it with other parents that might benefit from this episode.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And Jamie, thank you so much for being on the podcast. Any final last words or last thoughts for our listeners?

Jamie Roberts: Well, thank you so much for having me be here. And just for parents, also having compassion for yourself. It’s hard work being a parent, and you’re doing everything you can. Just listening to this means you’re doing the work. Thank you.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Great. Thank you.