Opposites Attract—Until They Don’t. What Your Differences Are Really About

Episode Summary of “Opposites Attract—Until They Don’t. What Your Differences Are Really About”

Being different is exciting—until it isn’t. At first, it feels like a beautiful balance: one of you plans everything, and the other just goes with the flow. It evens you out. But over time, those exact same qualities can start to feel irritating, exhausting, or like you’re always missing each other. If you’ve ever wondered why things feel so hard when you’re both good people who love each other, you are definitely not alone.

In this episode, Opposites Attract—Until They Don’t. What Your Differences Are Really About, we are pulling back the curtain on why we are drawn to our opposites and what those differences are actually trying to tell us when life gets stressful.

Free Relationship Pattern Assessment

Many couples assume they have a communication problem when they’re actually stuck in a relationship pattern that keeps creating the same conflict.

Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

👉 https://pages.communicateandconnect.com/relationship-quiz

Episode Transcript For “Opposites Attract—Until They Don’t. What Your Differences Are Really About”

This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for military relationships with your host, Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go rate review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes.

We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast, and if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

You’re listening to episode 79, Opposites Attract—Until They Don’t. What Your Differences Are Really About.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Being different is exciting until it’s not. At first it feels like balance. One of you plans everything. The other one just kind of goes with the flow. And early on that can feel really great, like you’re even each other out. But over time, the same differences that felt helpful can start to feel really irritating or exhausting or like you’re always missing each other.

And if you’ve ever thought, why is this so hard? When we’re actually both pretty good people and we actually have a pretty good relationship, then this episode is for you. Because most of us assume that when differences turn into conflict, something’s wrong with the relationship. But what if it actually is a sign that the relationship is under stress and not that it’s broken?

We don’t usually think very much about why we choose our partner. We may say things like chemistry or timing or shared values, and sure, those absolutely matter, but a lot of the times we’re drawn to somebody because they feel different from us in a way that is calming and kind of regulating. For example, if you are more organized, you might be drawn to someone who’s more relaxed.

That’s definitely the case with me and my husband. Or if you are a little more emotional, then you might, sort of be drawn to somebody who’s a little more contained and more kinda logical because that can feel very studying. Or if you’re like the planner, then you might feel like a little bit more relaxed and grounded with someone who isn’t panicking about the future.

And so those are ways that picking somebody who’s a little bit opposite of us can actually feel really calming and soothing and like it’s balancing us out. And early on, those differences do feel really good and feel like we’re balanced.

But here’s the part that most people don’t expect, is that when life gets stressful, those same differences can start to feel like a real problem, not because anyone’s changed, and definitely not because you picked the wrong partner, but because stress changes what our nervous systems need.

So when things are calm, differences feel really interesting. And when things are more stressful, whether that’s from work or parenting, military life, money, health, you name it, those differences can start to feel unsafe.

So if your partner is really organized, but you’re stressed, that can start to feel controlling. Or if your partner is very laid back and you’re feeling stressed, that can start to feel like they’re careless. Or if your partner is a planner and you’re stressed, it can feel like they’re being overly rigid.

Or if somebody is going with the flow, it can feel irresponsible. Couples often think that they’re fighting about personality differences, but they’re usually not.

They’re actually fighting about how to feel secure, about whether they can count on each other, about whether someone is carrying their share of things when things are starting to feel stressful or uncertain, and here is the part that really matters is your partner’s differences usually aren’t working against the relationship.

It’s protecting something really important. It’s just not protecting the same thing that you are trying to protect. So, for example, someone who’s very structured might be trying to protect a sense of safety in the relationship. Whereas somebody who’s very flexible might be protecting a sense of freedom.

People who are planners tend to protect having a sense of control. And then people who are more go with the flow, they kind of like trust that things are gonna work out. They are protecting a sense of hope in the relationship. And none of these are wrong. They’re just different ways to keep the relationship feeling steady.

And so when stress is really high, we tend to clinging to our own way and then get frustrated with our partner when they have a different way of trying to keep their relationship steady. And that’s usually when people start wondering if they’re incompatible.

But compatibility isn’t about being the same a lot of the time. It’s about covering different roles. For example, if both of you were planners who would help the relationship kind of loosen up when life doesn’t go as planned. Or if both of you were spontaneous, who would help keep things grounded when structure is really needed.

Differences don’t mean that there’s an imbalance in the relationship. It often means that the work of the relationship is sort of spread out in different ways that you both are helping the relationship in different areas. So if this episode is sounding like your relationship, you might wanna share it with your partner.

Not to make a point or to prove anything, but just to say like, “Hey, I think this might be about us.” And the next time you’re feeling irritated by your partner’s difference, just pause before deciding what it means. And instead of asking like, “why are they like this?” Try asking, “what might we both be trying to protect,” especially if it’s during a stressful time.

And if your differences are feeling like a lot bigger than they used to, it doesn’t automatically mean that something is wrong. Oftentimes it might just mean that your relationship needs a little bit more support. Not necessarily a different partner. Okay, I hope you found that helpful, and I’ll see you next time.

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes. To sign up for our Free 10 week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it.

While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy, and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one.

Until next time.