The Real Reason Small Things Turn Into Big Fights

Episode Summary of “The Real Reason Small Things Turn Into Big Fights”

If you’ve ever felt like you’re having the same argument over and over again—just in different “costumes”—you are definitely not alone. Whether it’s the laundry, a misinterpreted text, or the way the dishwasher is loaded, these small triggers often spiral into big explosions. In this episode, I’m walking you through why these “small things” feel so heavy and how to look beneath the surface to find the real emotional need that’s crying out to be heard.

What You’ll Learn:
– Why small triggers lead to huge explosions
– The story of the socks and dishes
– The Iceberg Metaphor: Surface topics vs. Emotional meanin
– Attachment Fears: Why “forgetting” feels like “not caring”
– Breaking the Cycle: Why surface fixes don’t last
– Journal Exercise: Identifying the story you tell yourself
– Awareness is the first step to change

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Episode Transcript for “The Real Reason Small Things Turn Into Big Fights”

This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for military relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go rate review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes.

We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast, and if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

You’re listening to episode 77, The Real Reason Small Things Turn Into Big Fights.

I’m Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, host of the Communicate and Connect podcast and licensed marriage and family therapist. And I am going to talk a little bit about this today. Because oftentimes couples fight over all sorts of small things, and that just spirals into something huge.

So for example, the dishes. The dishes were the small topic that were constant for me and my husband, along with his socks. His socks could be all over the house. But you’re not actually fighting about the dishes and you’re not fighting about the socks. You’re actually fighting about what the dishes or the socks represent.

So if you ever thought about like, how are we having this argument again, you’re definitely not alone. Because most couples actually don’t fight about the chores or the tone of the conversation or what was said in a text message and misinterpreted in a text message or the schedules. They’re fighting about what those moments mean emotionally.

And until you understand the meaning underneath the fight, the same argument will keep showing up just in different formats.

So one of the key aspects to this is that every conflict has two layers. It has like a surface layer. You know, think about the psychology iceberg metaphor. You’ve got the surface layer about what you’re arguing about.

That would be the dishes, laundry, sex and money are really common for couples to fight about. It could also be that you didn’t text me. Or you didn’t respond to my text. This is all the surface level issue.

And then you have, what’s below the water, below the surface. The deeper issue is what your nervous system is actually reacting to.

And for many people this could be, do I matter to my partner? Am safe? And not just am I physically safe, although of course that is a concern for some couples. But am I emotionally safe in my relationship? Can I rely on you to be there for me, to be a team member with me? Or am I really alone in this and have to do it all by myself?

So most couples get stuck fighting at the surface level because that feels really logical. But logic doesn’t always calm the emotional threat that’s happening on the inside. And from an attachment perspective, conflict is often seen as a protest, not a complaint. And so it’s helpful to think about this as your nervous system saying, I need reassurance and I don’t really know how to ask for it.

So let’s use a common example for this. Let’s say that one partner. You know what, I’m gonna grab my little bunnies. So here we go.

Okay, so let’s say one partner is upset because the other one didn’t text back for hours. Okay, here’s the surface level conversation.

“You never respond.”

“I was busy. You’re overreacting.”

That’s just surface level. Here’s what’s actually happening underneath. The partner who was waiting to get the text. They aren’t just annoyed. This is what their nervous system is saying.

“When you don’t respond, I feel unimportant. Or I feel forgotten, and I don’t know if I can count on you.”

Meanwhile, the other partner who’s saying, you know, I just forgot about it. Why are you overreacting? It’s not a big deal. This one is saying, “Nothing I ever do is enough. Or I feel controlled. Or no matter what I do, you’ll see me as failing no matter what.”

And so it’s not that you have two bad communicators, it’s that you have two nervous systems trying to protect themselves. And this is very different. And so it requires a different response.

This is why communication skills are helpful, but sometimes they’re not enough. [00:04:00] Sometimes you need to get underneath what’s happening on the surface to the deeper level so that way you can help the two nervous systems and the threat trigger that’s happening for both partners.

So here’s a question that can help you change the arguments, and it’s something that you can practice. So instead of asking who’s right, ask what’s underneath this reaction, both for you and for your partner.

And so you can ask this in your own head, like if you have a moment where you can pause and you can kind of reflect on what’s going on for you during an argument or after a conflict, you can just work through this yourself. And then when you’re calmer, you can come back and you can have a conversation about it with your partner.

But for example, questions that you can ask yourself include,

“When that happened, what did it bring up for you? Or what did it bring up for me?”

” What did I start to tell myself in that moment?

And later you can ask your partner, “What did you start to tell yourself in that moment?”

And what felt scary or painful underneath for you and underneath for your partner?

The reason for this is we wanna be very clear that we’re not blaming our partners, and we’re also not going into self-blame and self-criticism either. What this really is about is translation. And translating what’s happening at a body level in my nervous system to help you understand what’s going on for me.

So we’re going from reactivity to shared meaning making and creating that together. And really helping your partner understand, translating for them what’s happening for you at a deeper level. Because your partner can’t see it. Your partner only sees what’s at the surface.

so here’s one question that you can try to take into your next conflict if you choose to accept the challenge is just assume that your reaction makes sense emotionally. So you can ask yourself, ” If my reaction is making sense emotionally, what is it that I might be protecting?

So anger often protects fear.

Defensiveness often protects shame or embarrassment or feelings of like, I’m not good enough. I’m doing it wrong.

Withdrawing often protects feelings of being overwhelmed by the situation.

And so when you can name what the protection is and also what’s starting to happen underneath, a lot of the conflict and the fight and the argument starts to soften, and that is a doorway back into being reconnected with your partner.

If you were finding this helpful, then you can also do a journal exercise and you can think about your last argument. I wouldn’t go with the biggest one. Just go with the one that’s the most recent and you can write about what is it that you were reacting to on the surface.

See if you can identify the surface level first, and then ask yourself,

“What story was I telling myself in that moment about what that situation meant? And was there a deeper fear underneath?”

For example, a fear of being rejected, a fear of being forgotten, [00:07:00] being not enough or being alone. This will really help. It doesn’t fix everything. Obviously in a relationship, there’s still more communication and problem solving and negotiating that, gets to happen.

But before you can do all of that, you really need to develop awareness first. Awareness always comes first and then change comes later. And so these are some journal prompts that you can use to help increase your awareness.

So if you keep fighting the same fight, it doesn’t mean that you or your relationship is broken. It usually means that there’s something below the surface, underneath, that’s really trying to be heard, and that needs to be understood.

And so learning to listen to what’s underneath the argument and starting to communicate about that with your partner, that’s where the real connection can start. All right, until next time.

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes. To sign up for our Free 10 week relationship email course.

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Until next time.