The Couples Communication Skills That Change Everything with Raffi Bilek

Episode Summary of “The Couples Communication Skills That Change Everything with Raffi Bilek”

Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking two completely different languages? You’re trying so hard to explain your side, but the more you talk, the further apart you feel. It’s incredibly lonely to feel unheard by the person who matters most to you. In this episode, I’m joined by Raffi Bilek, couples counselor and author of The Communication Book, to talk about why we get “stuck” in these cycles and how to finally start hearing each other again.

What You’ll Learn:
– Why we struggle to feel heard in our relationships
– Using communication to breed deep connection
– Why we listen to ourselves instead of our partners
– Why logic fails during an argument
– Using “I” statements to remain the main character
– Validating your partner without losing your truth
– Why you shouldn’t communicate while “under the influence” of anger
– The #1 skill for preventing relationship damage
– How to take your first small step toward reconnection

Guest Speaker Bio – Raffi Bilek

Raffi Bilek is a marriage counselor and author of The Couples Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted.

Raffi Bilek has been working with couples across the globe for over a decade. He has helped hundreds of couples improve their communication, boost their connection, recover from hurts and betrayals, and, in many cases, save their marriages.

Before that, Raffi earned a degree in computer science from Brown University, but never much enjoyed it because the computers wouldn’t laugh at his humor. Besides being a couples counselor and a computer programmer, Raffi is a dad to four girls, a former swing dancer, an Orthodox Jewish rabbi, and a nationally ranked Scrabble player.

​Raffi speaks English, Hebrew, French, and Spanish, has seen the fjords (they really are that good), and enjoys playing word games and telling good (and bad) jokes. He deeply loves his wife, but frankly wishes she got more of his jokes.

Connect with Raffi Bilek: Website | Facebook | YouTube | Instagram | LinkedIn

Free Relationship Pattern Assessment

Many couples assume they have a communication problem when they’re actually stuck in a relationship pattern that keeps creating the same conflict.

Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

👉 https://pages.communicateandconnect.com/relationship-quiz

Episode Transcript for “The Couples Communication Skills That Change Everything with Raffi Bilek”

This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for military relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go rate review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes.

We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast, and if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

You’re listening to episode 76, Why You’re Not Being Heard—and the Couples Communication Skills That Change Everything with Raffi Bilek

Meet Raffi Bilek

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect Podcast. This is episode 76, why you’re not being heard, and the couple’s communication skills that change everything with Raffi Bilek .

Raffi Bilek: Hi. Thanks for having me. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. Thank you so much for being on the podcast. One of the reasons that I wanted to have you on was because you just wrote a book about couples communication skills, and I thought that would be really helpful for our audience. Could you share just a little bit about you and this book and kind of what you do with helping couples communicate better?

Raffi Bilek: Sure. So I’ve been doing couples counseling for over a decade. That’s pretty much all I do these days. And I’ve been delivering the same messages over and over. I thought it would be a good time to try to disperse it, put it into a book and get it out there so I could reach more people.

So these are the things that I’m doing day in, day out with folks. I do it in my own life. Trying to communicate in a way that you get heard and listen in a way that breeds connection. And so that’s what I’m trying to get out to people. 

Why Partners Feel Unheard

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Why do you think it’s so hard for couples to feel heard? Why do they consistently feel unheard?

Raffi Bilek: I think it’s so common that we all live in our own worlds. It’s really hard to see that somebody else sees the world differently, experiences the world differently. So when you’re telling me about something that’s on your mind, something that’s bothering you, I’m automatically seeing things the way I see them.

And I may not see it the same way you do. So I want to correct it. I wanna explain what really happened. Or I wanna fix the problem and make it go away so that we’re both in sync and both calm and happy. And so it’s just normal that I would not take the time to step into your brain and see that the way you see it.

And so you may not feel heard ’cause I’m hearing me and not you in in what you’re saying.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I like that phrase. I’m hearing me and not you. That feels really spot on. And I know I had that with my husband too, where it’s like really hard even when I’m trying really hard to see his perspective. And so I’m like putting in effort and it can still be hard.

Raffi Bilek: Your mind creeps back in. Your opinions, your perspectives. He’ll say something that you don’t like and you don’t agree with, and you feel this urge to correct it and to make it right. And it’s very hard to sit there and just be with them in their perspective. 

When Talking More Fails

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. I’m also thinking about how it doesn’t always help to just talk more. I think that’s more of my tendency. My husband is probably more of somebody who would like to give it time for everything to calm down. And I’m more of the person who wants to like, let’s just talk more and fix it and find our way through.

But I was curious if you could talk a little bit about why just talking more doesn’t always fix the communication challenges.

Raffi Bilek: If people are not in a space to hear things. If I’m all worked up and I’m upset and I’m trying to calm myself down, hearing you talk more about it is not gonna bring me closer to understanding where you’re going. Sometimes I’m just emotionally worked up.

Or, you know, people have this experience with men where they shut down, right? And that’s just a protection against those big emotions throwing me off track. And so I’ll clamp down on it, but it just means I’m not in a place to hear you. You can talk, talk, talk all you want, but it won’t get better and it might get worse because I don’t have space to let you in.

Right? Like you said, it takes effort to really hear where someone’s coming from. And to step into their perspective and to drop your own stuff for the time being. But if I can’t do that, I can’t do that.

So you can talk all you want. It’s not gonna get better. And we both need to be in a place where that conversation’s gonna go well. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me. Basically, I’m too emotionally triggered to hear or maybe to even like communicate or to have the ability to put myself in your shoes.

Fight or Flight Brain

Raffi Bilek: Yeah, when we get worked out, we go into fight or flight mode, right? Which is actually like a brain thing. You know, your frontal lobe shut down and your limbic system lights up, and you are acting as if you are an animal trying to save yourself. This is a normal human function.

If you are in fight or flight. Neither fight nor flight is good communication strategy, right? So if that’s where your brain is, we just have to take a break for a bit, calm down, and then we can come back to a conversation. But it’s not fight, flight or conversation, right? Fight, flight, or nice mediation. That’s not the reaction we have is fight or mediation.

It is fight or flight. Those are not communication strategies. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: This is something that is often misunderstood about communication because so often when I have couples, they assume like that is who their partner is. Like when their partner is in this fight or flight space, they go to kinda like labeling, this is who my partner is.

They’re somebody who just avoids conflict, you know, or they’re somebody who’s never gonna work to solve the marriage. Or you’re too emotional. Like, there’s so many labels that get thrown around that I’m just thinking, I don’t know that people fully understand that this is a nervous system reaction, not who their partner is.

Raffi Bilek: And it can be managed and it needs to be managed. And some people struggle more with that than others. But I don’t know. Go try to have a conversation during a gunfight. See how that works for you, right? Like, that’s a stressful moment. I don’t know that anybody’s in a position to make eye statements well, when bullets are flying.

Our brains are not designed to really distinguish between emotional threat and physical threat. When we think there’s a threat, our physiology changes. That’s the reality. You may not like it. You may wish it were different. But the reality is, I’m going to shut down if I feel like I’m under threat. And so we may need to take a break, calm down, come back again, and try without the threat piece. 

“I” Statements Explained 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: You mentioned I statements in there. I was wondering what are some of the skills that you cover in your book that you really recommend to couples?

Raffi Bilek: Yeah, so I statements means that when I’m talking to you about whatever’s bothering me, I’m talking about me. I say, “I feel this. I feel that.” I don’t say, “You’re a slob. You’re too emotional.” I don’t say that. I say, “here’s what it’s like for me. ’cause when I’m communicating to you, I’m telling you a story about me.

I am the main character in the story. You are an adjunct character. Meaning I can’t talk about my life without you in it. I can say, when you scream at me, I feel very upset. Right. So I can mention you, but I’m the main character.

This is a story about me and I want you to understand my experience. And that’s something you can do, right? If you can let go of your own experience and acknowledge that I’m having my own experience, and you get into that, you don’t have to acknowledge that my experience is the reality. You just have to acknowledge that that’s where I’m at.

When we talk about any issue, I tell my couples we are not deciding what reality is. We’re just trying to see each other’s perspectives. Trying to get the other person to agree to your version of reality is a waste of time. Everybody listening knows this because they’ve all been in these situations where they argued about who said what first, or when they went to the doctor or whatever it was, and they argued and argued and nobody ever solved it.

That’s true. We’ve all been there. It’s not helpful to argue about what happened if we can just say, okay, you remember that I said it first, that I get that. That must be hard for you, and I remember that you said it first. And I’m also annoyed. Great. And we are gonna go to our graves believing that the other person said it first, and we’re not gonna resolve that, but we’re still gonna be in connection because I care about you and you care about me. That’s really important. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah. Okay.

Validation Over Being Right

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So I’m just thinking about how to get there when couples are so caught in the details of, I said this first and then, no, this is how it happened. And they, get caught in that. It’s very.

Raffi Bilek: I remind people that they’ve done this before and they just never help them. Everybody agrees to this. It does not help to try to argue who said what first, who did what? You said I was there. You were there. It doesn’t help. What helps is, you know what, if you remember like that, I can understand why you’d be upset. I really do. I really care that you have that experience.

So switching from trying to get agreement to try to get empathy makes a big difference. That keeps us in relationship, right? One of my mentors says, you can be right or you can be married. Them’s your options, right? If you insist on being right about the sequence of events, that might be satisfying for you, but I would wager that it’s less satisfying than having a good marriage. And if you can give up the need to be right about this.

I’m not saying you have to agree to the other person’s version of it. You just have to say, okay, you remember it that way. I remember this way. It’s hard for you. It’s hard for me. Great. We’re in connection. We’re in a relationship. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, so far we have two skills somehow here like the I statements, make me the main character and then try to get to empathy versus agreement.

Raffi Bilek: Yeah. Validation versus agreement. So if you can abandon agreement and go for validation, we’re in a much better place. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, that then leads to connection even in its own, or at least I think it would for me. Like even if my husband totally was seeing something completely different than me. And I’m thinking of several examples right now. 

Raffi Bilek: Everyone’s got examples. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. Yeah. I don’t necessarily feel connected to him when I have empathy for him, I still have a little piece in me that’s like, but my way.

Raffi Bilek: Right.

Separate Two Realities

Raffi Bilek: Well, so this is one of the toughest parts. The next skill that we need is to be able to separate between my feelings and your feelings, right? So if you’re telling me, you know, when you said this, that the other, I found it very insulting. I was very hurt. So I instinctively have this defensiveness of, but I didn’t say that. But if we have this preexisting agreement that my hearing you out does not mean that I agree that I’m a bad person and I said something nasty. We agree with that already.

So I can hear you. I notice my defensiveness. I put it aside from it and I say, you know what? If you remember me calling you a big fat loser, I totally understand why you’re upset about that. You thought that I said this. That hurts your feelings. It says to you that I’m, inconsiderate. I totally understand why you’re hurting, and I do.

I can understand why you would feel the way you do if you perceive things the way that you do. So I don’t have to sit here saying, well, if you see it that way, which I don’t think, but you do, like, I’m not gonna argue with you, we already understand that.

I don’t agree with you. I don’t have to agree with your perspective. But if that’s the way you see life, of course you feel this, you feel this, it makes sense to me. Then we’re gonna switch to my planet and I’m gonna say, you know what? On my planet, here’s what it looks like. And it’s very frustrating for me that you would think this about me because I don’t see myself that, et cetera, et cetera, right? So we have two separate realities. We are not gonna try to reconcile, but if I care about you and you care about me, then we have connection. 

And to your point about I don’t feel empathy. I don’t feel connected when I’m empathizing, but if you really can put aside your own stuff for the moment, then you do. If you can hear that your, husband would really felt put down by something you did like, wow, I’m so sorry why you feel that way? I hate that you feel that way. it takes that, effort of dividing between what you’re feeling and what’s going on for me, and I put it aside with the knowledge that I will come back to it soon. Then you will feel connected.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I can see that, especially if he is hurt by something that I said, then the empathy can turn on right away and I can feel more like drawn in and connected in that moment. I was thinking about our current debate about should we buy some rural land and live in a tiny house, which is my current fantasy, like a thing that I’m you know, doom scrolling at night reels of tiny houses.

When it’s not so emotional and it’s kind of.

Raffi Bilek: But it’s emotional when we get down to it, right? You wanna move there and he doesn’t, right? So you can hear out his feelings and he can say, you know what? If I would live there, I’d feel cramped. I’d feel trapped. It wouldn’t be comfortable. And you sit and you thinking you get in there.

Wow, that would be really hard for you. Right? You really wouldn’t like that. I’m just imagining you being trapped there and like you have no friends around. I can see why that would be difficult. And you can empathize and connect. Again without giving up any of your desire to be there without deciding whether we will or won’t move.

No Decisions First Talk

Raffi Bilek: Another that in our first conversation, we are not gonna make any decisions. We are not gonna solve the problem. I’m gonna hear your perspective and you’re gonna hear mine. If I feel like this conversation is gonna be the solution conversation, then I really feel like I have to get in why it’s gonna be great to move to a little house.

But if we agree, we’re not gonna make a decision on this conversation. I can say, you know what? I see why that doesn’t fit for you. I see why that would be hard for you, but then we’ll switch and you’ll tell me, well, why is that so good for you? And I would say, you know what? I can see how you really love that, and that’d be so meaningful for you to be in a small house on a tiny piece of land.

So I’m empathizing with you we’re not gonna decide yes or no. And when we free ourselves from that decision, now we can really empathize with each other and feel connection and empathy despite the fact that we disagree. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I think there are two things that are standing out to me about what you’re saying, which is like when you mentioned he’d feel trapped, that takes it to the emotional space in him, and then I automatically feel like I can hear him more versus if he were just saying, 

Raffi Bilek: That’s not gonna work.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

Raffi Bilek: that’s the I statement, right? for his job there is to tell you what’s going on for him. I wouldn’t like to move there. Right? If he starts telling you, like statistics about, oh, small houses have this return on investment, it’s irrelevant, right? You could say, but they’re also good for this way.

But if he says, you know what? I’m worried about the financial implications. Ah, you’re worried. Well, what are you worried about? Well, if we invest in that and it goes bad, et cetera, like, oh. That we all have feelings under decisions. Nobody makes decisions based on intellectual facts. Those are what [00:13:00] impact our feelings.

But you have people who smoke and know that it’s bad for them. Why? Because there’s an emotional connection. It feels better, whatever else it is. But that’s how we do all our decisions. Nobody makes the decision purely on the intellectual value of it. We all have feelings.

Oh, so you wanna invest in this stock? Well, tell me what that’s like for you. Why is that important? Why do you feel good about that? Right? And so when we can connect to that, there’s much more connection there than just arguing about the facts.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, even though this is kind of an imagined scenario, I’m imagining myself in my mind, interacting with my husband as we’re talking about this. I can still feel how that would shift it in me if he were saying like, I’m concerned about the money, or I would think I would feel trapped.

It’s too small.

Raffi Bilek: Right.

Ask for Feelings

Raffi Bilek: So now one of your spouse is not talking like that. So if you’re listening to your spouse and they’re telling you why it’s a bad idea and why this is important, why you should do this. So you ask them, okay, well how do you feel about that? Tell me what’s going on for you. You know? Why is this bothering you?

They come to you and they say, you’re too loud with this music. Oh, well, why does that bother you? What do you mean? Is that bothering me? I can’t sleep. Oh, and what’s that like? Well, I’m angry. Oh, you know what? I can understand why you’re angry. Right? That gets us to a place of, we can connect around this.

You know, I would be angry too if somebody woke me up in the middle of the night. I get that. But if you come and tell me your music’s too loud, I’ll tell you. What are you talking about? It’s on volume level five. It’s totally normal. Everybody plays it up.

But that’s not relevant. It doesn’t matter how, what other people do, what matters is you got woken up in the middle of the night and you’re upset about it. I can hear that. I can be empathic towards that. 

Shared Responsibility to Listen

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, there’s like a shared responsibility in what I’m hearing you say, because if I can, then it’s my responsibility to talk about me and make myself the main character. But if I am really struggling and I just woke up in the middle of the night and I’m not quite able to do that, then my partner has a shared responsibility to help guide the conversation to where I can talk about me as the main character with the curiosity.

Raffi Bilek: I always tell people, you both have responsibility, whatever stage we’re at, right? My responsibility is to come to you and say, “Hey, I’ve got something to share. Could you listen to me for a little bit?” Right? Because if I don’t cue us into what we’re doing, where we’re gonna talk about sort of an empathy conversation, you’re gonna start solving my problem, especially if you’re a man.

If I tell you, “You know what? The fridge seems to be breaking down. Like, oh, I’ll go fix it. I just wanted to tell you what’s right.” We’ve all been in that situation. So my responsibility is to tell you, “Hey, I need you to listen without solving the problem.” Your responsibility, even if I fail to do that, is to listen without solving the problem. Right?

If you start solving the problem now is back to me. I have to say, oh, wait, wait, wait. I forgot to cue you a, hold on. I don’t need a solution. I just want you to hear me out. Right? So at every point, two people have a responsibility to make this conversation work.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, 

I’m just thinking that’s another common place where I see couples sometimes struggle is kind of saying like, well, you didn’t do your part? Versus focusing on, well, okay, regardless of if my partner does their part, I’ve gotta do my part.

Raffi Bilek: Yeah, and if you didn’t do your part, maybe I’ll come back later and say, “You know what? I’m kind of upset at you because I’ve really been trying, and you kind of flubbed it there.” That that’s fine. But you can’t just drop everything because “oh, well you didn’t, so I’m not going to.” Like, that’s a great way for things to get worse.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. That should be a book like the Ways to Ruin Your Marriage.

Raffi Bilek: Yes, I thought about writing a book like that, but the humor value I thought wouldn’t be as good as actually telling people what to do instead of what not to do. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes, I think what to do is probably actually more valuable. It was just funny idea in my mind.

Raffi Bilek: Lot of people know what not to do. They just keep doing it over and over again. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah. Because for some reason it’s really hard. Even when I know to use an I statement or I know that I should be empathetic or I know that I should not be just focusing on my partner, being responsible, and that I need to be responsible. There’s something about it that can be really hard to actually do it.

Repairs After Mistakes

Raffi Bilek: A hundred percent. I’m the same way. I am not perfect at this. You know, my wife and I, we make mistakes sometimes. The important point to remember is that a good relationship does not depend on making few mistakes. It depends on making lots of repairs. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Oh yeah. Can you share more about the repair? How do couples do that?

Raffi Bilek: You know, if my wife says something that bothers me, I will come back later. Not in the moment ’cause I’m too upset in the moment. But I come back later and I say, you know what? When you said X, that really bothered me. So we get back into this empathic dialogue, that’s what I call it, this empathic dialogue.

And I tell her what’s bothering me and she says, oh, you know what? I can understand why you feel that way. Without having to agree that she said it or meant it or whatever. But you know, we just repair it by putting it through the same machine, which is. I feel like this. And you say, oh, that stinks. I’m so sorry you feel that way.

And now we’re reconnected. We are gonna make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. the question is, how do you handle it? When you make a mistake, do you start yelling and screaming? Do you bury it under the rug until it comes back out, forcefully erupting, or do you deal with it and say, Hey, I’m upset about this. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah. I like that. I’m just thinking about what’s embedded in that. When I hear you say that, I’m hearing like some time to calm down. Say taking a break is kind of embedded in that. Also coming back to the conversation is embedded in that versus kind of ignoring it and moving on.

Take a Break and Return

Raffi Bilek: So the first step I tell people is you have to take a break, right? If you stepped on my toes, literally or figuratively, I’m really irritated. I’m not in a good place to talk about it calmly and to use I statements and all these things. It’s okay. Walk away and come back and be with it later.

It’s really okay. You don’t have to solve things in the moments. ’cause the truth is you can’t solve things in the moment ’cause you’re too upset. So yes, you take a break, but then you come back, right? Some people say, oh, we’re great at taking breaks. We just never come back to it. Well, yes, because you don’t really have the skills for a conversation.

You know it’s going to explode when you come back. That makes sense. I wouldn’t wanna come back to that either. But if you practice the skills and you get better at communicating. So you’ll know, oh, you know what? This is bothering me. Tomorrow I’ll come back to it and we’ll be able to talk about it.

That’s how I keep doing repairs because even though I’m upset about something, I know with confidence I can come back to my wife and talk about it. And so we will, we’ll come back. Maybe it’s later today, maybe it’s in a week from now, but I know that when I need to, I can. And so I don’t leave this stuffed under the rug.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I like your statement there ’cause I’m really seeing how, if I don’t have the skills, it would make it hard to come back. Then I basically don’t even know how to repair. I didn’t know how to do the conversation in the first place, even if I was calm enough to somehow do it.

Book Coaching Takeaway

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And so I’m seeing how having a book of like communication skills.

Raffi Bilek: There’s a book for that. It turns out the book for that, it’s called The Couple’s Communication Handbook: The Skills You Never Learned From the Marriage You Always Wanted. This is why I wrote this All these skills are listed in there. It is really thoroughly laid out with all the pitfalls and all the what to do, what not to do.

And I’ve tried to make it really actionable for people to be able to pick up and change the way that they do this. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah. Great. and is that like on Amazon? Is that through your website or how could people get this book. 

Raffi Bilek: A little bit of both. Yeah, it is on Amazon. If you wanna find it, you can search it up. Or if you go to the communicationbook.com, it links from there. And there’s also, if I have not yet convinced you that this is a valuable book, the first two chapters are free on that website. Both to a download to read or an audiobook.

Yes, there’s an audiobook of this book. So if you like listening to me talk, there’s seven hours and 29 minutes where that came from. It does sound like me. It is fun like this. So it’s an easy read or listen and I really hope people will get something out of it ’cause I really wanna help people change their relationships.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah. we’ll include, links in the show notes for people if they wanna just easily kind of go click and find it. And then you also do counseling, right? How could someone work with you in couples counseling?

Raffi Bilek: Yeah. I do coaching and counseling across the globe. For some people I think a book is really helpful and for a lot of people, just seeing how to apply that to themselves and seeing their own weaknesses and mistakes. You need somebody outside just like, for some people you read a book on tennis,, you can get yourself there. For a lot of people you need to coach.

And that makes sense. No harm, no foul there. So you can reach me through that website. It’s just raffi@thecommunicationbook.com. But head to thecommunicationbook.com when I’m there. And people can reach out and I’m happy to consult, to help, to do some coaching sessions if needed or just, you know, offer some tips and guidance. 

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Okay. Okay, great. Thank you. 

Take a Break Always

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I’m wondering, do you have any kinda last minute, tips or like words of wisdom or [00:21:00] something that you’d want the listeners to know?

Raffi Bilek: The takeaway is take a break. I think that’s the first step that anyone needs. Don’t try to resolve it when you’re upset. That’s not gonna work, right? If something bothers you, take your break, come back to it later. If you’re talking about something and the conversation goes off the rails. Stop the conversation. Just take a break.

That is the most important thing. None of these skills work if you’re not taking a break, because again, your brain gets hijacked. You’re too worked up to do anything well. It’s the same as being drunk. It’s like it’s very nice if you wanna have a conversation. But if you’re drunk, you’re not gonna do it well.

Same thing if you’re too angry. Your brain is just not working the same way that you need it to. That’s the first step that anyone used to do. Take a break, come back to it later. It’ll go much smoother.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Okay. Okay, great. 

Raffi Bilek: Thanks for having me.

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