Why You Keep Having the Same Fight with Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky

Episode Summary of “Why You Keep Having the Same Fight with Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky”

Have you ever wondered why you and your partner keep having the same argument — even when you both promise it won’t happen again?

In this episode, I dive into one of the most common patterns I see in couples therapy: the repetitive relationship fight. Whether it’s about the dishes, money, parenting, or communication, couples often find themselves caught in a loop that feels impossible to break. But there’s a reason these cycles repeat — and understanding them is the first step to changing them.

I’ll walk you through the three most common communication patterns couples get stuck in — pursue-withdraw pattern, attack-attack pattern, and withdraw-withdraw pattern— and show you how to recognize your own version. These patterns aren’t signs of failure; they’re simply part of the developmental process every relationship goes through as you learn to connect in deeper, more secure ways.

You’ll also learn how to start identifying and naming your cycle so you and your partner can begin interrupting it together — before it turns into another fight.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why couples tend to repeat the same fights over and over
• The three main relationship patterns
• How unmet emotional needs drive recurring conflict
• Why these patterns are normal developmental tasks in relationships
• How to identify and name your specific relationship cycle
• A simple first step to pause the fight before it escalates

If you’ve ever thought, “We’re just stuck,” this episode will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface and how to take small, meaningful steps toward connection again.

Don’t forget to check out our free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it.

Free Relationship Pattern Assessment

Many couples assume they have a communication problem when they’re actually stuck in a relationship pattern that keeps creating the same conflict.

Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

👉 https://pages.communicateandconnect.com/relationship-quiz

Episode Transcript for “Why You Keep Having the Same Fight with Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky”

This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for military relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go rate review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes.

We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast, and if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

You’re listening to episode 69, Why You Keep Having the Same Fight with Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky.

Introduction: Why You Keep Having the Same Fight

Welcome back. It’s just me this time doing this episode, and I’m really excited to be talking about this because this is really what I do in couples counseling all day long with clients is help them figure out why they are getting stuck in the same fight over and over and over.

And I’m thinking right now about one couple that I had who would say they just get caught in a communication death spiral. And that no matter what they do, no matter what the topic is, whether it’s kids, money, sex, household chores, whatever the topic is, they just get in this spiral and it goes in the same pattern each time, regardless of the topic.

And that is really what we’re gonna talk about today.

Understanding Relationship Patterns

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So there are three types of patterns.

The first pattern is called a pursue-withdraw pattern. The second pattern is an attack-attack pattern. And then the third pattern is a withdraw-withdraw pattern.

So let’s break them down and then I’ll talk about what you can start doing in your relationship that will help you stop them and then you can go from there.

The Pursue-Withdraw Pattern

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So the first pattern is the most common which is a pursue-withdraw pattern.

Which is basically one partner is really wanting to talk things through. Wanting to make sure that there isn’t tension and conflict in the relationship. They are really wanting to resolve things, so that way the couple and the relationship can feel really connected. You know, that we’re in flow together, that we have harmony, that we’re in a good place and they don’t want things to get swept under the rug.

And because of this, they’re wanting to talk.

And oftentimes, that’s not fun because that can involve conflict. And so the withdrawing partner is also wanting to keep the peace in the relationship. They’re also wanting harmony. They’re also wanting the relationship to be good and close and connected.

But because of that, they really don’t want conflict. Because conflict doesn’t feel like connection for many people.

We might come to this in a different episode, how to get to connection from conflict.

But because they want to be in a good place with their partner, they wanna diminish the conflict.

And so they may say like, let’s not talk about this now. Let’s talk about this later. Or they might not even respond. They might just have a blank expression on their face. A lot of people would feel like, you might hear the word stonewalling, where somebody is refusing to talk or communicate or engage.

This is just a very extreme version of a withdraw part of the pattern.

And this person is really trying to prevent conflict. They’re trying to make it so that things don’t keep getting worse, because they often love their partner, they love their relationship, they want it to be good. And oftentimes they’re worried that if we keep fighting that it’s gonna end up with us divorcing or breaking up.

And so they might be walking away, leaving the house, something like this in an effort to calm down the conflict.

The problem is that then when couples are in this pursue-withdraw dynamic, they end up in a negative feedback loop.

So basically the one who wants to talk things through is trying to talk, and as they’re trying to talk, the other partner’s saying, “Oh God, I don’t want conflict. Let me be quiet now. And like, let’s get past this and move on.”

So then they don’t wanna talk. But then for the partner who wants to talk, it’s like, “Why aren’t you talking to me?” And then they might try harder to get their withdrawing partner to talk to them and talk through the problem.

But then the more they talk about it, the more the other partner’s like, _”Oh gosh, I don’t want conflict.” _Shuts down more.

And then at this point, usually the frustration is going. The pursuing partner might start getting really angry, might get critical, might say things like, you never talk to me. You never wanna, you know, all the nevers and always sorts of statements come out.

And then for the withdrawing partner, they’re like,_ “Oh gosh, now we really are getting into conflict. I gotta get outta here. I don’t want this.”_

And this sort of creates this feedback loop where the more they keep going in this pattern, the more it escalates. And actually then the more disconnection happens.

The Attack-Attack Pattern

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So the second pattern is an attack-attack pattern, which often is sort of related to this, pursue-withdraw. It’s the more intensified version where once the anger is really getting going.

So that might look like I’m so frustrated now that you’re not talking to me. And so now I’m getting quite critical, and name calling, and maybe like getting in your face. All sorts of things to try to get you to engage with me. And at that point the withdrawer might also be getting frustrated and they might be getting defensive.

And so then, this one sort of looks like a criticized, defend, defend, defend, defend, loop.

And oftentimes people don’t mean to be critical. That’s not their intention. They’re often just attempting to get heard, to be understood, to get the conversation going to work through a conflict. But when the frustration really gets going, then it can turn into criticism.

And it’s almost universal for most of us, that if I’m perceiving you to be critical of me, then I get defensive. And then when I get defensive often that has a little bit of criticalness towards the other person in my defensive notes. And then the other partner gets defensive back.

So that could be like, you know, you didn’t do the dishes. I know I talk about the dishes all the time.

You didn’t do the dishes. I was gonna do them tomorrow. Yeah, but you told me you were gonna do them today. Well, if you really want them done today, you could do them today. Why would I do them today?

You were the one who said you would do them and you said you would do them today. Why can’t you just do them today? Why can’t you let me be doing them on my own time. You always try to micromanage me. Well, you never are responsible and do the things that you say will do.

And so it can spiral so quickly into this criticize defend loop where couples are just stuck trying to say, I’m not the problem, you’re the problem. No, I’m not a problem. You’re the problem. And they get stuck there.

The Withdraw-Withdraw Pattern

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Okay, the last one. A withdraw-withdraw pattern is most commonly happening after these other two patterns have been going on for quite a while.

And so both people are kind of like burnt out. They’re like, “Gosh, I can’t take the conflict anymore. It’s just not getting better.” And so both of them start shutting down, withdrawing, not wanting to talk about things.

And this can start feeling very, very distant.

This type of pattern will feel like things are always swept under the rug. We’re not talking about anything. We’re not even really interacting. We’re more like roommates instead of partners.

So if you are noticing that you are in a pattern like this, that’s very normal. I would probably say every couple has their own version of a pattern and that it is almost like a developmental task of relationships to figure out how to work through these patterns.

Just like walking is a developmental task from like when we’re babies, we grow and then we crawl, and then we walk and we go on. Other developmental tasks are like learning to drive a car, graduating high school, like transitioning into adulthood. There are these tasks that we go through in our development.

And in a couple relationship, one of the developmental tasks is to figure out how to navigate cycles like this. And so why do they keep repeating? They keep repeating because they’re in this negative feedback loop. It’s a system. It’s almost like dominoes.

The more this happens, the more that happens. The more that happens, the more this happens. And there’s also an internal system that’s going on. Where oftentimes these cycles are fueled by unmet needs. That is something for another time to go more in depth on.

But when we can identify the unmet needs for us that are fueling our part of that cycle, we can start to shift it. That might be an individual task again. Topic for another time.

Identifying and Naming Your Pattern

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: But what you can do as a couple to just start working on this pattern and to help you not just have the same fight and communication death spiral that’s happening all the time, is to first identify what is our pattern.

So see if you and your partner can get together, have like a little date. Date, so that way it’s hopefully not too conflictual. Listen to this episode and work through together. You know, what type of pattern do we typically have?

Do we have the pursue-withdraw pattern? The attack-attack slash criticize defend sort of pattern or the withdraw-withdraw pattern.

And some people really like to name it. So I had one couple, the death spiral. Another couple just were being funny and then called it Ed. Like Ed’s coming into our relationship right now. I’ve also had a couple who called it the tornado two step. Of course other couples just call it a pattern or a cycle.

So if you, can first just identify your cycle, give it a name, and then what you can do is start using that together to try to pause it, to try to call it out when it’s happening in your relationship.

Conclusion: Steps to Break the Cycle

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: That will really help you just initially pause it so that way you’re not continuing to have the same fight over and over and over.

So if you found this helpful or you wanna do that exercise with your partner, then make sure to share this episode with them.

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, please take a second to go rate review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes. To sign up for our Free 10 week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it.

While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy, and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one.

Until next time.