How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry With Parenting Coach DJ Stutz

Episode Summary of “How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry With Parenting Coach DJ Stutz”

Sibling rivalry is one of the most common challenges parents face, but did you know it can also be an opportunity for growth? In this episode, parenting coach DJ Stutz shares practical strategies on how to deal with sibling rivalry while fostering lifelong skills in your children.

From creating weekly family meetings to teaching negotiation through playful roleplay, DJ explains how small, intentional actions can transform sibling conflict into valuable lessons in communication, boundaries, and empathy. She also reveals why giving children ownership over certain belongings, offering one-on-one time, and modeling healthy relationships can significantly reduce tension at home.

Whether you’re dealing with constant bickering, managing strong personalities, or simply want to encourage a healthier sibling bond, this episode offers actionable tips you can start using today.

Don’t forget to check out our free 10-week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it.

Guest Speaker Bio – “DJ Stutz”

DJ Stutz, an Early Childhood Specialist and devoted advocate for children’s rights and education, brings over two decades of teaching experience, specializing in Special Education and Music. Her expertise extends beyond the classroom, with roles as a 911 dispatcher and a parenting facilitator for the Clark County Division of Family and Youth Services.

A parent herself and actively engaged in PTA leadership, including the presidency of the Nevada State PTA, DJ is dedicated to enhancing parental involvement in education. Her advocacy includes organizing a Nevada commission to improve Latino fathers’ participation in education. Recognized as “Citizen of The Month” in 2008, DJ has testified before federal commissions, collaborated with Senator Ted Kennedy, and led international support groups.

Now, through workshops, classes, coaching sessions, DJ empowers parents to navigate the joys and challenges, fostering independence, productivity, and happiness in their children.

Discover insights, guidance, and practical tips on the following diverse parenting topics through DJ’s one-on-one coaching, her speaking engagements, her courses offered at imperfectheroespodcast.com

Free Relationship Pattern Assessment

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Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

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Episode Transcript for “How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry With Parenting Coach DJ Stutz”

This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

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We also really wanna know what it is you love about our podcast, and if for some reason you’re not loving it, we wanna know that too because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

How to Deal with Sibling Rivalry

You’re listening to episode 66 How To Deal With Sibling Rivalry With Parenting Coach DJ Stutz.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Dj, I’m so excited to have you be on this podcast. As we were talking about just a moment ago, I don’t have kids. And so anytime there are parenting related questions or topics that come up, I like to make sure that we have experts like yourself come in and talk about how to navigate parenting challenges in this instance, really, sibling rivalry.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Maybe you could just introduce yourself a little bit and share with the audience a little bit about you and what you do.

DJ Stutz: Sure, of course. Yeah.

DJ Stutz’s background in parenting and conflict resolution

DJ Stutz: My name is DJ Stutz and I am a parent coach.

DJ Stutz: My coaching business as well as my podcast is called Imperfect Heroes because all parents are imperfect but they are hero and things that they’re accomplishing and trying to do, and so we feed into that.

DJ Stutz: I’m also a children’s author and so I do have three books. These are my babies.

DJ Stutz: Roman is bigger. He’s bigger than mad. It’s a book about vocabulary and emotions and how to really help them. And then Roman is a bigger brother talking about sibling rivalry. So he gets a baby brother. And is this a good thing? Is it a bad thing? They cry, they stink. It’s all kinds of fun.

DJ Stutz: And then the other one is, oscar’s true friends. And that’s just about a fish that helps his friends realize that we all have different talents and abilities and isn’t that wonderful?

DJ Stutz: We don’t all have to be the same, nor do we want to be the same. So there’s that.

DJ Stutz: I am the oldest of seven kids. I have five of my own. I have 13 grandchildren. And I have seven d nieces and nephews between my husband and our family’s put together. I am a retired teacher. I’ve got over 20 years of experience in the classroom.

DJ Stutz: And yeah, I guess that’s enough. Yeah. But

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I’m just feeling like you’re the perfect person to have talk about kids because you Oh that’s so many kids in your life. All my life. Kids. .

Lessons that help resolve sibling fights

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: One of the things that I was thinking we could talk about when it comes to sibling rivalry, please help me with this because again I don’t have kids. I might not be able to really be understanding all of the nuances of some of this.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: But like when siblings have conflict and I can think about my sister and I growing up, I was really mean.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I don’t know if people would know that. They probably don’t know that about me. I was really a very mean sister.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I’ve talked about that with my own therapist, different things that I thought were going on in our family dynamics. But one of the things that I would be thinking about if I had kids and there was all of the sibling rivalry going on, is this sense of right and wrong.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And like how to help kids develop sense of right or wrong, or a sense of morals. Do you have thoughts related to how parents might navigate that?

DJ Stutz: I have lots of them. Okay, cool. So yeah, sibling rivalry is a big thing. As the oldest of seven, you can imagine I went through that. Although I am unique as I’m finding things out.

DJ Stutz: So I have five brothers and one sister. And my sister’s seven years younger than I am, and I’ve never had an argument with my sister. All our lives, never one.

DJ Stutz: And really most of my brothers, there’s one brother, he is 14 months younger than me, so super close and not only in a very patriarchal family with me being the oldest and a girl, we were always fighting ’cause he was a boy.

Strategies for Managing Sibling Rivalry

DJ Stutz: One of the things that my mom did that I thought was absolutely brilliant was mom made sure that my sister wouldn’t get into my stuff. That I had things that were, no, you don’t have to share. That’s yours. If you choose to, you can.

DJ Stutz: And it’s not everything, but there’s certain things that are important to the kids that yeah, you don’t have to share that’s yours. And then the other sibling is, and you have things that you don’t have to share. No one’s gonna touch those.

Parenting tip: Give kids ownership of belongings to reduce arguments

DJ Stutz: Giving them that feeling of ownership and autonomy and having some level of control over some of the things that are going on, that’s a big help.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I was just thinking I really like that and I am thinking about the things that I would tell my therapist about my family dynamics. I have a really hard time sharing. I hate sharing. It comes up with my husband, like he wants some of my french fries or something, and I’m like, I don’t uh, yeah, no, I don’t wanna share with you.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And I, yes, and I think it’s because there wasn’t much that could be just mine, always.

DJ Stutz: Right, Well, And for me, at least with my sister, it was easy because with her being seven years younger than me, she would never fit into my clothes. The clothes wasn’t an issue. She was too young to be a threat with any boyfriends.

DJ Stutz: Right. And it didn’t hurt that she was adorable and sweet and wonderful and her nickname was Sunshine, which she still goes by Sunny this day. And that did help. I will give you that. But I do think that parents have a lot to do with how we’re setting the stage for that.

Healthy sibling rivalry and why it’s an important life skill

DJ Stutz: And also realizing that some level of sibling rivalry and argument and stuff is actually good. It’s where kids learn how to negotiate. It’s where they learn how to stand up for themselves. It’s where they learn all of these skills that they’re going to need in life. But sometimes. If we don’t teach them how to do that, then they aren’t gonna learn it.

DJ Stutz: And then that’s when you get in with bad sibling relationships and sometimes they just aren’t recoverable.

DJ Stutz: All seven of us are close and we share. We do reunions. We try to get together about every two or three years, but imagine with seven and all our kids. I mean, the last reunion we had, there were over 75 of us together on my brother’s farm and you know, with grandkids and kids and all of that.

DJ Stutz: And that wasn’t even all of us though. That was just who could come So. Wow.

DJ Stutz: It’s wonderful that we have that and I really do credit my parents in helping us get there.

DJ Stutz: And I think though practicing when tempers are cool Not in the middle of. You’re not gonna teach ’em anything when they’re ready to kill their sibling. Trust me, kill is not a far off word.

How weekly family meetings can stop sibling fights

DJ Stutz: Like I am a big advocate of weekly family meetings where we all get together on and it is standard, same day, same time. I had one family I was coaching, this was a couple years ago, and they had a late start one day a week for school.

DJ Stutz: And then that was like teacher prep, teacher meetings. That’s what that was all used for. But they had a late start, so they all got up at the same time anyway, had breakfast together and that’s when they had their family meeting and they would go over, schedules and calendar and stuff like that.

Role Playing and Conflict Resolution

DJ Stutz: But it’s a great time to role play and especially when your kids are little. Even three years old, they love role playing, and so we can practice. Tommy’s playing with the blocks, and I want that block for my thing. And is he allowed to say no? I ask nicely. I hear that all the time, right?

DJ Stutz: That’s nice that you asked nicely and I really appreciate that. But Tommy needs that and he’s had it. He’s using that to build. So how can we negotiate for that?

The “toolbox” method for teaching kids problem-solving skills

And one of the things that I’ve used both in my classroom and in the families that I’m coaching is like a toolbox. And we have this little toy toolbox, you know, and inside I had these little things, cards that were I laminate ever, the teacher, you laminate everything.

DJ Stutz: And I laminated these. And it was a solution too. Set the timer for five minutes and then when the timer’s done, I know that I’m gonna get it. Find something else to use. I can wait patiently. We can do rock, paper, scissors. It has all these different solutions that you can do. And so at the beginning, at our little family meeting, we don’t put a bunch in there all at once.

DJ Stutz: We might just put two in and then we’re gonna practice them in our family meeting. How would this make this work? And then during the week, if you see that’s like, oh, oh, guess what? This is so exciting. We get to use the toolbox now. And so you don’t, it’s like, why are you fighting? Why are you this? But you’re like, oh, this is an opportunity.

DJ Stutz: We get to use this. And if you come in with that kind of an attitude and then the kids are like, oh, and then whichever one they pull out, that’s what they’re going to do. And then maybe the next week you might add a third and then a fourth or whatever. So we’re slowly building up, but we’re giving them time to practice using those skills.

DJ Stutz: And it’s fun when eventually they don’t even come to you. They go straight to the box. Yeah, dipping over you. ’cause they know, she’s just gonna send us to the box anyway.

DJ Stutz: When I see that happen in my classroom or parents will come back and they say, yeah, they just went straight to the box.

DJ Stutz: It was so nice. So it is some work ahead of time, but isn’t that’s worthwhile, And are you gonna have back steps, where we fell backwards and we had an argument and that’s okay. That’s okay. Expect that’s human, that’s the way it goes. But then we can redirect them again to, this is what we’re going to do.

DJ Stutz: Is it gonna work a hundred percent of the time? No.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah,

DJ Stutz: no, but it is going to increase and it gives them that ability. And it just depends on what’s going on, but you’re helping them then to build that sibling relationship. Does that make sense to you?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes, it does. I love that. I’m just gonna repeat because I have to repeat a lot in life because it helps me keep my mind active and on track.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I’m hearing that weekly family meetings, which I really love. We do a monthly marriage meetings, so it feels really in alignment with that like a weekly family meeting. I really like this idea of role playing because I can learn and practice the skill and we can make it a game.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So that way it’s not like a punishment that I have to do, but it’s sort of like working out. I hate working out, so if it’s not fun, I’m not gonna wanna do it. So yeah, making it a game so that way it’s fun, but it’s also teaching really valuable skills, not just to manage a sibling rivalry, but communication skills.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And skills that would help people navigate relationships and, I’m thinking that would be skills that would be transferable future on into like eventually when they get married, and they have Exactly. Or they have to negotiate or respect boundaries. And I’m thinking That’s so cool.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: They’re building their toolkit for life, right?

Roleplaying ideas to teach kids healthy conflict resolution

DJ Stutz: Exactly. And this is gonna expand out into friendships and the classroom. How am I negotiating with my classmates in school, which is then going to eventually go into the workplace. And you’re learning how to negotiate those kinds of things too.

DJ Stutz: So you’re just looking at what skills do I want my kids to have too?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. I love that emphasis too, that it’s not just, this is right and this is wrong. I’m thinking these are the skills I want you to develop and helping you develop that.

How to use humor to stop sibling rivalry in the moment

DJ Stutz: Yeah. When I’m coaching other parents it’s been a fun thing to do and to hear the reactions, but then do something totally unexpected when kids are arguing with each other too. So one of the things I did was my kids were arguing, with five kids, you can imagine that happened.

DJ Stutz: And so put a pot on your head, go into the room where they are arguing and just start vacuuming.

DJ Stutz: And they’re like, what is she doing? And they’re like, you just totally ignoring their argument. Totally ignoring it. But then they think mom has lost her mind and Yeah, probably, but, and then the, attention changes. Right? The attention changes. And they’re like, mom, you have a pot on your head. Mom, there’s a pot on your head.

DJ Stutz: It’s oh, get there. So then we’ve just totally distracted them in a hysterical, fun way. there are other ways to do funny things to get their attention and not do it.

DJ Stutz: My mom, who had a beautiful singing voice, would come in. She had this song, Love At Home, and so when we’d be arguing and she’d come in her opera voice.

DJ Stutz: There is beauty all around. When there’s love at home.

DJ Stutz: I clearly don’t have her voice. But she would come and belt it out in this opera voice and this love at home song and as we’re like, ready to kill each other. And have to stop, make fun of her. And she was fine with us making fun of her in doing that.

DJ Stutz: And I think that was her goal. But being okay with that and understanding that, yeah, this is all the cacophony of life, right? But if our children are screaming and yelling at each other and you go rushing in and you start screaming and yelling, now there’s one more person screaming and yelling.

DJ Stutz: Nobody’s learning anything. We’re not calming. Even though they may stop because whatever, if they feel threatened or whatever. You’re not helping with emotions and understanding and two, if you can find joy in even those hard moments what are we teaching our kids then, that even when things are hard, whether it’s in a marriage, whether it’s as a parent, whether it’s with the crazy neighbor next door, if you can find the joy or whatever in that moment What a great skill to give our kids.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I was just thinking some of what you were sharing about how I might need to develop that skill first. Again we don’t have kids, but part of the reason we don’t have kids is because I feel terrified having them. And so I’m thinking like.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: My nervous system would feel so overwhelmed if there were two kids screaming at each other, to go in with the pot on my head or something. I think I would somehow need to manage my overwhelm to then be able to do something like that. Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: It sounds challenging.

Parenting advice: Model emotional regulation for your kids

DJ Stutz: And you bring up such a great point because honestly, truly, honestly, when your kids are struggling with something, the first place that you need to look at at maybe where we need to make changes is yourself. So what is the example that I am setting for my kids?

DJ Stutz: How do I speak to my spouse?

DJ Stutz: How do I speak to my own siblings? Or about my own siblings.

DJ Stutz: Maybe they’re not in the room, but I’m like, oh, you’re crazy uncle Dad. He’s a nut. Or he’s so stupid. Or he’s this or I can’t believe he did this. That’s your brother and I’m seeing what you are doing. Do you see what I’m saying?

DJ Stutz: Or you and Dad, I hear you saying like rough things to each other. It must be okay. Yeah, because you’re my mom and dad.

DJ Stutz: Or how am I teaching treating my parents?

DJ Stutz: And I know that people have rough experiences with their own parents. And I will tell you that as much as I talk nicely about my mom, there were some really rough things.

DJ Stutz: There was a lot of physical abuse that went on.

DJ Stutz: There was a lot of men, and she had her own mental, she was bipolar. There was a lot of struggle that went on with that.

DJ Stutz: But again, finding what was good about that.

Finding positive family memories despite difficult history

DJ Stutz: I had a friend and I even met her later on, after I became an adult, but when I was like four and five years old, she was my babysitter.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Okay.

DJ Stutz: Yeah. Okay. When my parents would go out and she was like basically abandoned by her mom. This is like way back. I’m old, and she was older than me. And they lived in an apartment and her parents had divorced and her mom would just leave literally a jar of peanut butter on the table, lock her in the apartment and go to work.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Oh, there

DJ Stutz: weren’t a lot of resources back then for things. And back then people just pitched in with each other. So instead of calling CPS, everyone in the apartment building just kinda watched out for Kathy. They knew and she liked to go swimming and she knew how to undo the lock. Nice mom locked it, but I know how to undo it.

DJ Stutz: And she would try to go into this pool by herself, but people were watching and paying attention, but she had a horrible relationship with her mom felt very abandoned. But the one thing that she remembered was her mom would sing her this song about Alice in Wonderland. And then Kathy sang it to me when she would babysit me and then, two decades later and I run into her and see her.

DJ Stutz: I still remembered that song. And she said that was the one good memory I took from my mom. Yeah. So even when you have maybe some really difficult memories, if you can carry on that one good thing and even share that with your kids and say, yeah, grandma and I, tough, hard, but I do remember this and isn’t that lovely that I have this memory?

DJ Stutz: Yeah and you can share that, that changes the conversation with your kids and then their whole outlook on family life.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I really like that. I guess it’s an intentionality that what you were saying before, maybe that I’m just repeating as I’m putting it together in my head, but you are thinking about what are the skills that I want them to have and in order to teach them the skills.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I have to teach by example basically, is what I’m hearing you say. Absolutely.

How to avoid favoritism and celebrate each child’s strengths

DJ Stutz: Yeah, and I love that. And then two, I remember this growing up, and I was a hard kid just saying, and I was the one who was always in trouble and like my sister was clearly the favorite and I was fine with that.

DJ Stutz: She was my favorite too. But there were feelings that come with that when there’s an obvious, preference and whether that’s actual or perceived, it’s going to internalize and you’ll know this, it’s gonna internalize the same way. Yeah. And so you want to make sure that your kids feel loved, and you see their zone of genius.

DJ Stutz: Every kid has a zone of genius. It may not be math, and it may not be writing, but it may be art, it may be football, it may be running. It may be just that amazing smile that comes out so quickly and brightens the room. Find their zone as genius, and then make sure that you are highlighting that in their lives.

Parenting tip: One-on-one time to prevent sibling jealousy

DJ Stutz: And then make sure that you have one-on-one time, both parents, one-on-one time with each child. And put that on the calendar so that the kids see that and there’s something to look forward to. Date night with Susie, dinner with Donnie, whatever it is. Yeah. That but that they’re getting that one-on-one time on a regular basis.

DJ Stutz: you know, When they’re younger and

DJ Stutz: I know it’s hard.

DJ Stutz: We’re working, and we’re cleaning, and we’re cooking, and there’s laundry, and all of that stuff. I know it’s hard to set aside an hour each week. And if you’ve got five kids, whew. That gets exciting. But setting aside that time and maybe, one week it’s with mom and the next week it’s with dad, so then maybe it’s not quite so overwhelming.

DJ Stutz: But finding that time to have those conversations and to have that time and you’re doing what they want. Maybe it’s going to a movie, maybe it’s going to get pizza. Maybe it’s just out throwing the ball or Yeah riding bikes or going swimming.

DJ Stutz: It doesn’t have to be an expensive thing that you’re paying money for even. But something that they choose that they like to do. And when they see their name on the calendar, that they mattered enough that I made the calendar.

DJ Stutz: my name that gets in their head.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I like that in general for, as I’m thinking about how kids develop self-esteem. And in the context of sibling rivalry, I’m thinking there could be all sorts of comparisons, between me and my sibling.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And then if you have a good kid versus the bad kid. Or maybe, you have one that’s like just really strong-willed in some way. Mm-hmm. They kind of get labeled as like the difficult one. That there are these ways of still helping counteract and build positive self-esteem versus it just being internalized like, I’m the one that’s the difficult one or even potentially negative for the other one where I’m the one that, it gets ignored because I’m the good one or something like that.

DJ Stutz: And then there’s that middle child syndrome that there’s often, often, not always the peacekeepers, like they’re just trying to make everybody happy, and they do get lost in the shuffle a lot.

DJ Stutz: You can learn about birth order psychologies, which is very interesting.

Why feeling valued reduces sibling rivalry and family conflict

DJ Stutz: if we’re gonna just nail it down to when children feel valued, there’s not as much conflict. So when mom or dad comes home. and thee first thing outta their mouth is, where are my babies? And lemme hug you.

DJ Stutz: And I had such a hard day and I knew though I could come home and get a hug from you and I would be better. And if you just invest that five minutes. Five minutes, that’s all. Yeah. Five minutes. Let them see you kiss your spouse. Let them see you say, oh honey, I love you.

DJ Stutz: Whatever. Let them hear that and then let them experience that with mom and dad saying, oh yeah, it’s tickle wars, or it’s quiet hugs. Or different kids have different needs.

DJ Stutz: And then you can say, you know what? I gotta go change my clothes. I need whatever. If you have a child that’s kind of more cl you can see that in your kid.

DJ Stutz: You can say, I’m gonna set the timer. Some days you might need 20 minutes ’cause you’ve had a really rough day. Okay. Set the timer and say, when the timer goes off, I want you to come get me. I’m gonna come up and go up and change, get some things done upstairs or wherever it is. And then when the timer comes off.

DJ Stutz: I am yours, and then you can do that. And so one parent is maybe fixing dinner. The other parent can be out in the backyard or doing stuff with them so that they’re feeling that attention.

DJ Stutz: And I understand it, I did, I was going through it myself.

DJ Stutz: For all but two of my years of teaching, I taught where I was teaching the children of gang members generally. It was rough, it was hard, it was exhausting. It was enthralling, it was, all of those good things too. But it was just exhausting. And so you come home and you just wanna, I’m gonna die here.

DJ Stutz: You don’t wanna do anything. Yeah. But you’ve got these amazing kids that you brought into the world and it’s okay to say. Set the timer. And when they’re used to that and they know, when the timer goes off, mommy or daddy is gonna come.

Involving kids in chores to build teamwork

DJ Stutz: Have them help you, make the dinner, have them help you fold the laundry.

DJ Stutz: And when they’re little, they love doing that. It won’t last forever. So use it while you can, have them help you with all of those things. Engage them in your life and you will see less arguing. Is it gonna all go away?

DJ Stutz: It’s not supposed to all go away because this is where they learn things, they learn important skills, and they learn that I can be mad at someone and still love them.

DJ Stutz: That’s probably the most important one of all.

How conflict teaches kids love, respect, and empathy

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yes. I really am glad that you’re saying that because I’m thinking about maybe the pressure for it to be harmonious in some way, but I’m thinking like healthy development. I’m seeing it in the adults, in their marriages.Service-based parenting: Building connection through helping

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: The ways that they weren’t allowed to have anger, so that got suppressed or they weren’t allowed to have boundaries or they were never taught how to respect someone else’s boundaries. All sorts of stuff, right, that comes up and that we learn in conflict with other people.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So I think what I’m hearing you say, if I get back to what you were saying was like,

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: it’s okay that we don’t want the home to be chaotic. And so we have strategies that we can help teach them these skills, but that we actually want them to work through conflict.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: And to have where they can say no and be mad at each other and find ways to negotiate and repair and how to move through those moments together.

DJ Stutz: Yeah, absolutely. And they’re so key.

Service-based parenting: Building connection through helping

DJ Stutz: And maybe probably one of the last things that I would share is the promise and the value of service within the family. So maybe saying,

DJ Stutz: oh, I noticed that, Dougie is having a really hard time, or They lost the game, whatever, and noticing that, oh, your sibling is sad or hurt or upset, or whatever. What can we do to help? And then maybe can we go clean his room for him so that it feels good? Can we do this? We’ll go feed the dogs for them, if that was his job. Because yeah, he’s just having a hard time.

DJ Stutz: One of my brothers, Dawn, had a newspaper route back in Los Angeles, in the seventies. And every Christmas we would get up crazy early in the morning to beat Dawn out there and we would do his route for him. There were a couple of times when he was sick and wasn’t feeling well, and so we’d get up and go to his route for him, and he never asked us to do that.

DJ Stutz: But that was one way, something we could do for, it was service for. And mom got a lot of us involved. Some of them were too young to be able to do it, the three older ones and the four older ones could, definitely help out a lot more with that.

DJ Stutz: And so what are some acts of service that we can do within our family?

Fun family activities: Gratitude jars & service trees

DJ Stutz: And maybe do a service tree or a gratitude chart or a jar where if somebody did something nice for you, you can write it down and throw it in. Or just put the name of the person down. ’cause sometimes it’s hard to write the whole story, right?

DJ Stutz: Yeah.

DJ Stutz: Sonny did something for me. I’m gonna put her name in the jar. And then maybe at your family meeting you can draw a name and maybe that person gets some fun experience or whatever. But you can’t put your own name in. It has to be someone else.

DJ Stutz: And that way then they’re starting to notice what their siblings actually are doing for them, or then you’re working to do more for them.

DJ Stutz: So you can get your name in the jar more often and it’s something fun. But some of those strategies of helping them really notice what’s really going on. And maybe how can I help, or how can I recognize that someone did something nice for me?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Yeah, I really like that. But I could see how both ways would help with sibling rivalry.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: Because now I’m thinking, I’m more aware of when my siblings are doing nice things for me and can appreciate that. And that’s like goodwill then between us. Mm-hmm. And then I’m also gonna be motivated to be nicer, you know, if I’m getting like there might be some treat or something. Uh, yeah. .

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I love all of these really concrete strategies. they make me feel calmer, when I when I think about the idea of having kids like to know that there are very concrete strategies Yes. That I can do.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So I’m thinking, I don’t know if you have any last words of wisdom, but I also want people to be able to connect with you somehow if they need help, thinking through what are these really concrete things that I could do to navigate challenges and overwhelm when it comes to Yeah. How could they connect with you to get support around something like that?

Connecting with DJ Stutz for Parenting Support

DJ Stutz: Sure. Yeah. So my website is www.Imperfectheroes.net, not.com. But if you go there, even if you look at, you’ll see a thing for parent perspectives, and that’s actually a free monthly workshop that I do.

DJ Stutz: And so if you wanted to get a gauge, you’re coming to just get a quick answer. It’s the fourth Thursday of every month. So you can come and join in with some of the other parents that we have that I’ve got some standards that come almost all the time. And so we always get a, maybe a newbie or two.

DJ Stutz: And so that’s one thing that you can do. But I do coaching, I do one-on-one coaching. I will do group coaching.

DJ Stutz: This was the funnest thing. I had grandparents and they had three kids, but they all live close together. So they did a six week group coaching session with everyone because the cousins were always playing with each other, and grandparents are like, oh, everything’s changed.

DJ Stutz: And so that was a fun thing. So we have lots of opportunities if you want to do that. And then of course, the podcast is imperfect heroes insights into parenting. We have new episodes every Monday, and you can do that. And of course you can always find my books on, it’s on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart’s website

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: wonderful. And so we’ll make sure to include all the links in the show notes if people just wanna be able to click and find you. I’m thinking, wow, I feel it inside of me, like the overwhelm with thinking about kids.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: I’m thinking what a valuable resource to know that it doesn’t have to be so overwhelming That there could be things you could do to manage it.

DJ Stutz: Oftentimes as parents, we make it harder than it needs to be. Okay. That’s good to know. Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky: So thank you so much for being on the podcast. You bet. Thanks for having me. I really had a good time.

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