How to make your relationship STRONG with Kristal Desantis

Episode Summary of “How to make your relationship STRONG with Kristal Desantis”

Welcome to Episode 060 of The Communicate & Connect Podcast! I’m your host, Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, and today we have an enlightening conversation with the incredible Kristal Desantis, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Austin, Texas. In this episode, we delve into the often-overlooked dynamics of men in relationships and the societal expectations that shape their roles and behaviors.

Kristal shares her insights on the shifting roles of men, particularly the challenge of being valued for performance over personhood. We’ll unpack the powerful metaphor of “lipstick on a pig” to illustrate the ways we sometimes mask relationship issues, and we’ll discuss the knight-in-shining-armor stereotype that many men grapple with.

One of the highlights of our discussion is Kristal’s book, “Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man,” and her innovative STRONG acronym—Safety, Trust, Respect, Openness, Nurturing, and Generosity—that serves as a comprehensive guide to building resilient and loving relationships. We’ll touch on practical advice for military couples, the importance of vulnerability, and the impact of societal myths on male sexual readiness and desire.

You’ll also learn about the fun and transformative Bonding Boot Camps that Kristal and her husband run in Texas, offering couples a chance to reconnect and build better communication skills. Plus, you’ll get a sneak peek at Kristal’s online courses and in-person sessions designed to strengthen relationships.

So, tune in for an episode packed with valuable insights and actionable advice to help make your relationship stronger than ever.

Guest Speaker Bio – “Kristal Desantis”

Kristal DeSantis is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Austin,Texas, known for her expertise in relationships, trauma work, and sex therapy. With a focus on supporting first responder couples and addressing men’s issues, Kristal offers a unique therapeutic approach rooted in understanding male psychology and the challenges faced by men in contemporary society.

Her development of The STRONG model of Relational Therapy, which blends trauma-informed and attachment-based methods, has earned her a reputation as a leading authority in the domain. Her recent book, “STRONG: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man,” offers practical guidance for navigating contemporary relationships.

Kristal’s dedication to advancing men’s mental health advocacy extends beyond her clinical practice. As a trainer, consultant, author, and public speaker, she actively promotes awareness and education on the importance of men’s mental health and wellness as well as the impact of trauma on relationships.

Click here to visit her website and connect with her on instagram here.

Free Relationship Pattern Assessment

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Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

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Episode Transcript for “How to make your relationship STRONG with Kristal Desantis”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:02]:

This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Kristal Desantis [00:00:25]:

Foreign.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:31]:

You’re listening to episode 60, how to make your relationship strong with Kristal DeSantis. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect podcast. I am excited to have Crystal here talking about this new book that she recently wrote, which is the relationship book for men. And so I’m excited for us to dive into this. But, Crystal, maybe you could just introduce yourself a little bit and tell us about your background and what inspired you to write this book.

Kristal Desantis [00:01:11]:

Yeah. So thanks for having me. I’m excited to be here. I’m Kristal DeSantis, and I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in Austin, Texas. And I. I love being a marriage and family therapist. And one of the things I really enjoy about the work I do is being able to connect people to resources. Right.

Kristal Desantis [00:01:34]:

So, you know, doing therapy in the room, but then also, you know, guiding people to books or podcasts or just, you know, other things that can help them on their journey. And as I was working with couples, and so I started know being a therapist 10 years ago, and as I started, I was like, okay, I’m going to, you know, find all the resources I can get.

And what I found was that the amount of resources that I could offer my female clients, the women, the wives, just completely outnumbered what there was available for the men, the husbands who wanted to also do the work. And so after a while of trying to find some resources for men, which there are some great ones out there, but just kind of distilling down the six essential elements of a healthy relationship into an easy acronym, strong. Putting it in the book and putting it out there, was really kind of giving that resource that I was looking for to the clients that wanted the resources.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:34]:

Yeah, that’s great. You know, I don’t know much about this book yet, and so I’m excited for us to talk about it. But I’m thinking, oh, what a brilliant idea to have it be an acronym. Because so many of the guys that I’ve worked with are like, just give me, like, tell me what to do. Give me this, like, boil it down and tell me what to do. And I’m like, exactly. Wrong. They can just, like, remember one word and go, exactly.

Kristal Desantis [00:03:02]:

Totally. And that’s really what I wanted to kind of also play off of, like, strong is healthy, you know, because the idea of like, what is a healthy marriage? What is a healthy relationships? Like big concepts and so just kind of boiling it down. Strong is healthy. And also, you know, I really, my passion population is like the veterans and first responders and men in these like hyper masculine fields.

And so I also really wanted to kind of speak to the stigma of like going to therapy as like, you know, something that’s weak or something that’s shameful. You know, there’s a lot of stigma, especially for men seeking mental health. And so that’s why I really wanted to call it strong as like, no, this is something you do to get stronger. It’s like going to the gym.

Kristal Desantis [00:03:46]:

It’s something you do to improve your skills. And there’s a guide and it’s, you know, there’s repetition, there’s structure, and it’s practical and tactical and, you know, easily applicable.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:59]:

Yeah, great. So do you want, can you walk us through maybe the. What the acronym stands for?

Kristal Desantis [00:04:07]:

Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, one thing that I noticed in talking with my, you know, male versus female clients is that women, especially when it comes to, you know, what are women looking for in relationship is we want to feel safe. Right. And there’s emotional safety, obviously, physical safety. And one of the things, and this is kind of the premise of the book too, is, you know, a lot of men, they feel like they get the message that masculinity is like passe. It’s like no longer needed.

And sometimes that’s what I’ve heard from, you know, some of these men, especially in these like hyper masculine fields, they’re like, well, you know, apparently masculinity is out. So, you know, I don’t, I don’t know what to do about that.

Creating safety at home involves self-awareness and protection.

Kristal Desantis [00:04:50]:

And so part of starting with safety is acknowledging that a lot of men want to be the protectors and the providers. I mean, you know, look at people that sign up to join the military. Like, there’s something very protective about, you know, I mean, just the essence of that. And so being able to speak to that and, you know, being able to be a protector and keep your family feeling safe, keeping your wife safe, but not just in a physical way, but in an emotional way as well.

So safety really goes through four. I break it down into four different ways to create safety in your home. The first is self awareness. When you know who you are, when you know what you bring to the relationship, you can actively make your partner feel safe by acknowledging the things that you bring to the table.

Kristal Desantis [00:05:38]:

Second is basic stability. Again, just keeping your home Safe stability, practical skills a little bit. And then the last two is really the communication and conflict. So self regulation. How can you self regulate so that even if you’re talking about a difficult topic, you’re doing it in a way that still feels safe and connective and then self expression. Right. So being able to say whatever you need to say, be really honest, but saying it in a way that still feels safe and connected. So again, the body and the words.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:16]:

Yeah, I really like that because there’s so much that goes into safe, like the idea of feeling safe. And so I really like how you, you’re breaking it down into like these are different elements that you can think about to help, to help the relationship feel safe.

Kristal Desantis [00:06:37]:

Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:40]:

Both physically and emotionally.

Kristal Desantis [00:06:42]:

Yeah, yeah. So that’s s. And then once we have safety, we can move on to building trust. And so that’s the T in the strong model. The T is, you know, being trustworthy, knowing how to build trust, knowing how to repair when trust is broken. Because obviously trust is very important in relationships. It’s kind of a foundational aspect. But you can’t trust somebody you don’t feel safe with.

Kristal Desantis [00:07:07]:

Right. And so that’s where I often when I saw couples in this like cycle of conflict, it was because we hadn’t really talked about the safety needs before then. Talking about building trust. Right. So that’s st and then R is respect, which most, you know, a lot of men, again if we talk about like just broad strokes of like what women feel, you know, you need to feel safe to feel loved. And for men it’s like we need to feel respected to feel loved. Right. And again, broad strokes.

Kristal Desantis [00:07:36]:

But this was something that I started to notice as like a big difference in what men said, like makes them feel important in their relationships. I want to feel respected. Right. And so in the book I talk about, you know, respect in different ways. Respecting boundaries, cultivating self respect, making sure your actions are in alignment with your values so that it also, you know, again when we talk about being, being a leader that you can lead your family and you, but in a way that you are starting with.

I am leading myself. Being self mastered, respecting yourself, respecting how you’re handling yourself in the world. And then that just, you know, naturally flows into the way that you show up in your, in your home.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:21]:

Yeah.

Kristal Desantis [00:08:22]:

And cultivating an environment of respect.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:26]:

I really like what, the thing that stood out to me about what you just said is like self respect first. I think so often it’s, it’s very common. I want you to respect me, but I’m not acting in a way that demonstrates that I have self respect.

Kristal Desantis [00:08:46]:

Exactly. Yeah. And that’s where I really, you know, I think the kind of, the difference that I often talk about with, especially with military and, you know, any kind of first responder, anybody is like, you know, the difference between somebody who demands respect. Respect versus somebody who commands respect. Like, there’s just a difference, Right. With somebody who comes in, they’re like, do you know who I am? Versus somebody who walks in and everyone’s just like, that guy’s legit. Right. And so really, again, it’s that.

Kristal Desantis [00:09:17]:

That internal sense of like, that person carries himself with self respect and his actions are in alignment with his values. He would never ask somebody else to do something that he’s not willing to do. And just, you know, a person of integrity and that person commands respect. He doesn’t have to demand it. Right?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:35]:

Yes. I love, I love this. I’m like, gosh, I feel like I could, we could spend the whole episode just on this topic because it feels so big, but I want to get through strong.

Foundational Relationship Skills: Safety, Trust, Respect

Kristal Desantis [00:09:49]:

Yes, yes, we’ll keep going. So, but what I, what I talk to my clients about and what I say in my book is, you know, the first three. The STR is usually where I see couples that are struggling and couples that are in crisis. Because the STR are really the foundational aspects of a healthy relationship. If you don’t have safety, if you don’t have trust, if you don’t respect each other, your relationship is just going to be in constant crisis. Right?

So these are kind of basic relationship survival skills. So get these under your belt and then maybe, you know, you’re in a different place. Let’s say, you know, you feel safe with each other, you have, you know, emotional safety, you trust each other, you respect each other, but you just want to take your relationship to the next level.

Open communication is essential for relationship growth.

Kristal Desantis [00:10:31]:

Right. And so then the ONG is like the thriving piece of the work I do with couples. So O is nurturing, openness and cultivating, you know, recognizing, especially when it comes to military couples or, you know, people, couples that are separated is we have to keep open lines of communication. Otherwise, parts of your life that are really important just get missed. Right?

And that’s where I’ve noticed that people just start to, you know, when they say, we just grew apart, it’s because they didn’t have that constant emphasis on the open line of communication, recognizing that the person that you married at age 20, 25 is not going to be the Same person that retires with you, you know, later, like 25 years later. And so making that constant effort of updating, who are you today? Who are we today? Right? What’s going on in our lives?

So the openness is so crucial to make sure couples grow together rather than grow apart. And is the nurturing piece of being able to feel like the relationship is somewhere that you can come and get nourished. So cultivating that aspect of, I want you to be your best self and I feel the same from you, right? We nurture each other.

Kristal Desantis [00:11:46]:

We nurture our family. And that was one of my favorite chapters to write because one of the things that I hear again, in, you know, sometimes society where they’re like, oh, you know, men babysit their kids, or this kind of like, men are non nurturers. That’s a woman’s thing. And so I dug into so much science around this, and actually, you know, men can be very nurturing. I mean, this is just like a human,

A human thing, right? Humans are wired to be nurturing, Obviously. Women are encouraged to express it a lot more, women are socialized to express it a lot more women have more opportunities to express it. But, you know, that’s so disrespectful to say that men are not nurturing because there are so many men that are great fathers. Leaders like, to be a good leader, you do have to have nurturing qualities.

Kristal Desantis [00:12:31]:

You have to see the best in people. You have to engage, encourage it to them, encourage it out of them. But you have to do it in a way that feels, again, nurturing, rather than, I’m gonna squeeze it out of you, right? So that’s the nurturing and then the generosity, which is that final kind of like the fairy dust of a relationship.

Like when a relationship, like, everything looks good on paper. What’s the, like, little magic touch, right? And that’s the generosity thing. Because what I was again, I’m, you know, there’s a lot of research and science in this book. As I’m speaking to men, I’m like, you want, if you want the data, you want to do your own research, it’s all in there. Like, look at the bibliography.

Kristal Desantis [00:13:10]:

Like, do your own research. Because with the generosity thing, I was like, you know, again, at the end of the day, humans are wired to look out for their own survival, right? And yet we do need other people to survive, right? And so it is this kind of constant push pull between what’s good for me versus what’s good for us.

And that’s one of the biggest struggles in relationships. It’s kind of fighting against our own selfish instincts. Right. It’s like, I could take the trash out, but I know if I wait, my husband will do it. And instead taking that kind of generous stance of, you know, I know he’s going to come home and be, you know, dog tired. So, you know, even though it’s normally his thing, I’m just going to do something generous and like, do it for him.

Generosity enhances relationships through thoughtful gestures.

Kristal Desantis [00:13:55]:

Right. And like, I’m, I’m operating with that generous mindset. Like, yes, it’s not, you know, my job, but I want, I want him to have a nice time when he comes home. So let me go ahead and do it and vice versa. Right. The generous thing of, you know, I know it’s not our anniversary or she hasn’t asked for it, but you know what? Let me just go ahead and pick some flowers, bring them home. You know, it’s that little tiny extra of thinking what would make again the fairy dust of the relationship. Like, our relationship is already great.

Kristal Desantis [00:14:24]:

But what’s that little, like, you know, sparkle effect? Right, the sparkle. So that’s the generosity. And so in the generosity chapter, I talk about love languages and, you know, just the, all of, all of the things that make. Yeah. Relationships feel extra amazing.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:46]:

Yeah.

Kristal Desantis [00:14:46]:

That’s a strong, that’s a strong model.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:49]:

Thanks for walking, walking us through that. I, I, I love h. The flow of that too because, well, just, I know you said it again, but it feels important. So I’m, I’m going to, I’m going to say it again because the, that safe, safe comes first before trust. And then I have to have safety and trust probably in order to respect you and how those have to be the foundational thing. Like we, we can’t get to a thriving place. I think we all want that. The sparkle.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:24]:

Yes, sparkle. Relationships where I guess it’s like the romance movies where it’s like, oh, and you have little sparkles happen. Yes, we all want that, but we can’t have that until there’s this foundational layer of the same trust and respect. So.

Kristal Desantis [00:15:42]:

Yeah. And I, I do want to say that the, you know, sometimes in pop culture, right. They emphasize the generosity a lot. Right. They’re like, bring our flowers and, you know, do do the fancy things. And it’s like, you know, that’s great. But again, I’m, I’m like, if we’re going to be efficient here. And you know, I’m also in Texas, so I’m like, it’s kind of like Lipstick on a pig.

Kristal Desantis [00:16:03]:

If we don’t address the fundamental needs first. Right. Like, we can dress it up all we want, but, you know, it’s going to be wasted effort. And what I saw sometimes is men, they would get frustrated because they’re like, I brought her flowers. And it’s like, yes, but there was this injury that. This rupture that was not repaired. And so she’s not receptive to this attempt, you know, and so, like, let’s save that. Like, it was a good effort, but let’s save.

Kristal Desantis [00:16:28]:

Save it, and let’s work on what’s actually needed right now. And then once this is resolved, we’ll get there. Right?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:35]:

Yeah.

Kristal Desantis [00:16:36]:

But that’s also, like pop psychology kind of wants to start with this side, the G side first. I’m like, no, we got to start with the safety, trust, and respect first.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:46]:

Yeah. Oh, I’m just thinking about, like, that same scenario I feel like I’ve encountered a lot of times in. In different ways. And I loved your metaphor of, like, lipstick on a pig, because that’s how it feels. And then they’re like, why doesn’t this look beautiful to you? Well, because it smells. Yeah. Yeah. So I.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:15]:

I know this. The. The whole book is really the. It’s like the guide for men to relationships. And so I was wondering if you could talk a little bit about maybe some of the. The challenges that men have compared to women when it comes to thinking about how do you navigate relationships.

Kristal Desantis [00:17:37]:

Yeah. You know, one of the biggest things that I’ve seen is, again, like, there just hasn’t been a lot of emphasis on men’s. Men’s shifting roles when it comes to relationships. Right. There’s still a lot of messaging towards men that says you’re useful for what you provide. Like, you are a paycheck. And that’s what women are looking for. Right.

Kristal Desantis [00:18:06]:

Women are looking and evaluating you on your performance. And, you know, men are like, again, men are people, too. Right. And men have the same human needs that, like, everybody does. And that was something that I just don’t think has been addressed enough. And it’s starting to be addressed a lot more. Right. Of, like, if we want equality in relationships or even if we want just, you know, relationships that have options.

Kristal Desantis [00:18:33]:

Right. It doesn’t really matter, you know, like, how you decide to divide chores or whatever. Like, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about is, you know, one of the things, especially in just working with men individually is from a young age, just being taught that their Only value is in their performance, not their personhood. And so this is something that, you know, when men are like, yeah, women want us to be vulnerable, but the minute we show them, like, our humanity, they’re. They are like, ugh, put it away. Yuck. That’s not what I want from you.

Men fear vulnerability, adopt traditional masculine roles.

Kristal Desantis [00:19:06]:

Right? And a lot of men are really like, I mean, they’ve been hurt by that, or they’re afraid of that happening. And so they’re like, it’s fine. I’ll just, like, shut down and go back into production mode. So I think that’s something that I’ve heard from a lot of men. They’re like, I do want to be open. I do want to be human, but I’m not sure if my wife is ready for it, you know, or that she would be interested in that guy.

Like, I think she just wants the performative guy. The guy that shows up and is like, where’s the dragons? Let me slay them, you know? And obviously, you know, the work of Brene Brown, but she talks about that of, like, do you know this anecdote where she says, so Brene Brown, for anybody who’s listening, who doesn’t know her, she’s like, researcher, and vulnerability, like, huge.

Kristal Desantis [00:19:49]:

And so she’s talking about. Or she. She tells a story of. She was doing this talk, and she’s like, vulnerability is everything. And, like, you have to be vulnerable to have good relationships, blah, blah, blah. And she said a guy came up to her after the show and was like, you know, that’s. I’m sorry, but, like, that’s bullshit, because my wife and my daughters would rather see me die on my white horse than fall off. And so she was like, whoa, you know, again, we, as women, as the partners, we have to be able to be honest about do we want.

Kristal Desantis [00:20:26]:

Do we want that or do we. Are we ready for men to be human?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:35]:

I can kind of relate to this. I’m really glad we’re talking about it. But I. I’m thinking. I think I struggled with this in my own marriage. I didn’t have any brothers, and my. I grew up with a. Basically a single mom.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:50]:

I. I would sometimes visit my dad, but he was in the military. My mom got out of the military to take care of us, and so we. I was, you know, mostly in a household of women, and I. When I got married, it was really the first time, like, living with a man, and I was like, wow. I. I did not realize how many. I guess, kind of, like, sexist beliefs.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:18]:

I had to work through ways that I had been socialized to think about men that just had never been challenged up until that point because I hadn’t had that level of intimacy of like living with, in the day to day. Like, I obviously know millions of men in my life, but it’s, I don’t know, I was confronted with it in a different way when it was my spouse than, than I have ever realized.

And, and I did struggle. And I think what it was for me, I, I think for me it was the, the fairy tale, knight in shining armor story that was like, okay, well, there’s part of me, the logical part of me that knows my husband is a human and that wants this like, authentic relationship with him. But I’ve also been socialized to think that men would, would interact with me this way. And so if he doesn’t interact with me this way, what does that mean about me as a, as a female? What does that mean about him as a male? And it really, it was so interesting to go through that.

Balancing Heroism and Humanity in Relationships Guide.

Kristal Desantis [00:22:35]:

Absolutely. And you know, that’s something that I, I guess especially for this, you know, this population, the military population or the first responder. What I work with a lot is, you know, being a hero versus being a human and being able to have take off the hero when you come home so that you can be the human, right? And again, this is where it’s like, you know, you admire your partner.

You’re like, you go, baby, you know, put on that uniform and you go out there and like, you know, thanks for saving the world. But being able to also turn that off and allow your partner the space to be human is something that, again, it, it’s, it’s such a societal shift that needs to happen on both sides, right?

Because you know, what you’re saying about these myths that we have about masculinity, this is also where I see it as a sex therapist play out in a, in the bedroom or when it comes to, you know, the idea, again, talk about, you know, we can talk about dating culture, we can talk about, you know, Americans, the puritanical view of sex, all of that stuff, right?

But one of the big things was the idea that the man is always the initiator and the woman’s job is to, you know, either like, accept or deny, right? And this is one of the things that I saw often in couples where they, like, the guy was like, I just, I, I just, I’m the only one to admit initiates like I. All the time. And then, you know, it just gets demoralizing because Like, I’m not even sure if she’s attracted to me. I’m not even sure if she desires me.

Desire and communication key for fulfilling relationships.

Kristal Desantis [00:24:12]:

And that was something that I really kind of found that in talking to men, it’s like feeling desired and admired. Keep. Get those two things like, handled and every, you know, it does change everything. I mean, of course, everybody, you know, goes for women too, but that was something I noticed that like, oh, you know, women finding a way to initiate sex, but also being able to talk about.

And I mean, obviously we could shift into this as well. But you know, the myth that men are always in the mood or that they’re always up for it, or that he’s always going to be the initiator and that if she initiates and he says no, then that means something is terribly wrong, you know. And so like all a lot of these myths that are so gendered and they really just prevent people from having again, the authentic, fulfilling sex lives, intimate lives that they really want. But you have to be able to talk about it.

Kristal Desantis [00:25:09]:

You have to be able to.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:11]:

Yeah, yeah. Something that I’m thinking about right now also is like the level of stress that there comes with being like a military service member or with being a first responder and the impact of that on. On sex drive. Because I have so much. Had a lot of couples where who said, like, the guy doesn’t seem interested in. In sex or isn’t. Isn’t initiating. And as we were talking about it, it was like, there’s so much stress.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:47]:

Like they don’t necessarily feel turned on after, after a day. I stress, this is just what was kind of is coming to my mind as you’re talking about these like, misconceptions, like a guy should always be ready for sex and how it sort of, it’s because of that misconception when it’s held onto. And it’s not just he can be human, it. It’s people in a really hard way.

Kristal Desantis [00:26:20]:

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that’s also really important. You know, I do talk about it in the book about, you know, stress, sleep. You know, I mean, if you’re moving between different time zones or, you know, you have a night shift or a different kind of schedule, you, you know, all of these things definitely impact, you know, your body budget. Right.

And the other thing I also see sometimes with couples that have high stress jobs is also sex can be used as a regulator for your nervous system. Right. And so let’s say maybe it’s not a terribly stressful day, but it’s stressful enough that your partner comes home and he’s like, okay, I need to regulate, let’s go, let’s do the thing.

Kristal Desantis [00:27:05]:

And it’s almost like the shortcut to connection and calm. And so again, to be able to talk about like the different ways that people use sex and, and I, you know, talk about, it’s like, there’s drive, there’s desire, and there’s intimacy. Right? So like, are we having sex and then there’s procreation. Right?

So it’s like, what are we, like, in what way is this sexual advance or this experience, what are, like, how, how is it being used in this couple right now? Like, is this just a, like, hey, I need a. I need to fall asleep. Can you help me out? Or, you know, I just came home and I like, you know, have a. I just need to like, decompress and relax. Can you help me out? Or is it really about, like, I desire you and I want us to have an intimate, connected experience, which again, there’s no right or wrong.

Kristal Desantis [00:27:55]:

Right. Sometimes you go through the drive through and sometimes you want a five course meal. Like, you know, it’s like, sometimes you get takeout. Who knows, you know? So like, but being able to talk about what you’re doing and what like if your partner wants drive thru and you’re like, absolutely not, I need a five course meal. Like, it’s our anniversary, we’re not driving through. Right.

So again, just being able to talk about this is also such a crucial part, especially when you don’t have a ton of time sometimes with each other or when you’re reconnecting after a long period of absence. Again, just being able to have language to talk about some of this stuff is so crucial.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:33]:

Yes. Yeah. And I’m just thinking back to the strong acronym too, of like, to this. This feels like such a vulnerable topic for, for so many people anyway, to talk about that. I would really need the, like, those elements of strong in order to be able to talk about it in such an open way and for it to be okay for us to have all of those versions of sexuality within our relationship.

Prepare for relationship separations and reunions effectively.

Kristal Desantis [00:29:09]:

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I mean, this is a huge topic. Obviously we could talk about this by its, you know, on its own, but. Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:20]:

Yeah. Well, I’m thinking what sort of tips might you give, like military couples or like people who might be listening to this podcast who are really wanting to have a, have a strong relationship, especially if there are. Well, I guess I’m thinking two things. Like maybe if men were listening to this podcast, what sort of advice would you give them? And then if you have any advice for. For spouses who might be listening to this podcast.

Kristal Desantis [00:29:49]:

Mm. So just to speak to the couples first, like, the couples just in general, just a tip for especially military couples or couples that, you know, have absences from each other, is takeoffs and landings are the most important time, the most dangerous time. Like, when you think about flying, right? It’s like the takeoff and the landing is that’s, you know, when you have to buckle down and, you know, stay in your seats and all of that.

And I think find the same is true for relationships. It’s like when you’re gearing up to a deployment or, you know, some time of being apart from each other, let’s treat that period of time really intentionally. What do you need to prepare for the takeoff? Right? And then the same thing. Prepare for landing. Don’t just expect to crash land back into your life, because that’s where I often see people have conflict.

Kristal Desantis [00:30:41]:

Whereas, like, you know, maybe the partner who’s at home, it’s like, we just got into a routine, and then here you come, and then you’re just like, crash landed. And then the guy’s like, well, I thought everybody would be happy to see me. Like, what’s going on? And so again, really treating those landings also with respect of, like, how do you want to reenter your life? And also this is going to be true for, you know, coming back into civilian life, like, having these conversations like takeoffs and landings. That’s something I found, like, especially with this population, like, if you can get those two things, like, it makes a huge difference.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:31:13]:

Love that metaphor.

Kristal Desantis [00:31:16]:

Yeah, it’s easy to remember too, right?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:31:19]:

Yeah.

Kristal Desantis [00:31:20]:

Yeah. And then, you know, when it comes to advice for, you know, the men is it’s. I guess I’ll say it’s like, women are not that hard to figure out. Like, it seems really frustrating and complicated and like, woo magic. But, you know, if we, like. Women love strong men. Women love to feel safe. Like, there are some really essential things that, like, if you can get it down, like.

Kristal Desantis [00:31:54]:

Because also what I find and you know, this is this most women, most wives, they want their husbands to be successful. They want to be. Be able to, like, look at him and be like, that’s my guy, you know, and it is disappointing for women when they’re like, I feel like I have to be the adult in the relationship. And that’s such an unsexy. Like, it leads to a lot of contempt. And so that’s Something is like, you know, guys, there’s like your women are rooting for you. Like, you know, it’s not that hard. I mean, it seems really hard and complicated.

Empowerment Tools Boost Self-Respect and Wellbeing.

Kristal Desantis [00:32:24]:

But, you know, there’s a formula, there’s a book, there are tools out there. And at the end of the day, feeling more empowered in yourself is just always going to be a good thing. It’s going to improve your mental health, your sense of self, and it’s going to just, you know, again, lead to that self respect that you are somebody who can look in the mirror and be like, that guy is awesome. I like that guy.

And my wife looks at him and is like, that guy is awesome. You know, and it’s me and my kids look up to me, you know, again, all of this. So, you know, if there’s something that’s not working, just go ahead and, you know, take that leap. Take it seriously.

Kristal Desantis [00:33:03]:

Start looking at some resources because it makes such a huge difference in your quality of life. Like, you don’t have to live, you know, in constant conflict or feeling like you’re always getting it wrong or that you’re walking on eggshells, or you can’t figure out how to make your wife happy. Like, that sucks, right? Nobody wants, wants to live like that. And you don’t have to. So that would be for that. And then for women it would be, you know, acknowledge. So men are not. Men are very different than women.

Kristal Desantis [00:33:29]:

Men are socialized differently. The way men bond and communicate, the way they’re socialized to bond and communicate is very different. And so this is also what I see often with women that they, you know, where sometimes women struggle is being able to be explicit about their wants and needs.

And again, the myth of the magical mind reading night, he’s gonna ride in and be like, this is exactly what you were thinking about and this is exactly what you want. And again, a lot of women, this kind of fairy tale of like, the perfect person is gonna magically is gonna be the magical mind reader. Right? And giving that up a little bit. Right. Is gonna be so crucial.

Kristal Desantis [00:34:10]:

And also them being a good partner.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:34:12]:

Yes. I love that. Being, like, being really direct and clear.

Kristal Desantis [00:34:18]:

And also a little affirmation goes a long way. A little affirmation, admiration. Like, it really goes a long way.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:34:26]:

Yeah, well, I’m thinking there’s. There’s so much from our, our conversation that I think people can, can take away and like, use really to help their relationships. And then I’m also really aware that we could probably talk about this for forever. And there would be still more things to talk about. And so if people want to learn more, I’m thinking they should read your book. So can you, can you talk a little bit about how, how people could find the book?

Kristal Desantis [00:34:55]:

So it is on Amazon. Book is strong. A relationship field guide for the Modern Man. But of course, you know, women read it too. And you know, I found also couples reading it together, listening. It’s also an audible, so I made it easily accessible for people who are not readers. You can listen to it also, you know, on Amazon. But yeah, you know, reading it together can be a bonding experience as a couple.

Kristal Desantis [00:35:19]:

Give you a common language, have some shared tips and skills that you can use together, and just give you a framework for success. Again, getting your marriage strong. If you’re both on the same page or working from the same formula, it just works, right? And then online, you can find me at Strong Love.

And I am currently, I have a practice in Austin, Texas. So that is where, you know, you can work with me one on one. But, you know, if you’re anywhere in the world, Strong Love, I have courses that you can download and work through, do online courses. And I also do with my husband who, who is a veteran and current first responder, we’re doing bonding boot camps.

So we, you know, one of the things again that I noticed in couples is like, especially couples that are in the thick of it, right? You’ve got kids, you’ve got jobs, you’ve got a house, and like, just so much life is bringing them back to play together.

Kristal Desantis [00:36:21]:

And that is something that like, go have fun. So after talking with my husband about this for, you know, many, many years, we’re like, all right, let’s do it. So we’re putting on bonding boot camps here in Texas in the hill country, where basically we take couples out for a weekend and we have fun and we play, but we also practice communication skills.

So, you know, one of the things that my husband does is he’s, he trains the fire academy. So, you know, being able to communicate with, well is important, but then doing it in a playful way and, you know, having these kind of couples challenges that just allow couples to laugh, have fun, get out of there regular. But also, you know, it’s not, you’re not doing a three week retreat, it’s a weekend. So, you know, trying to make it accessible. But getting couples out there to have fun and play together is our mission this year.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:37:14]:

Ah, so amazing. I feel like I want to come do one of these boot camps. Sounds like so much fun. Yeah. Well, I will be including links in the show notes to your book, the audiobook, your practice and the website for the courses. And so if anybody is is also feeling like, oh, I want to go to this boot camp or I want to get this book, it’s it’ll be easily clickable from directly from the show notes. So Crystal, thank you so much for being on the podcast. Podcast.

Kristal Desantis [00:37:46]:

Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me. This is so fun.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:37:57]:

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our free 10 week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.