Military Spouse Relocation: Navigating leaving friends and home behind with Leigh Conant

Episode Summary of “Military Spouse Relocation: Navigating leaving friends and home behind with Leigh Conant”

Welcome to Episode 59 of the Communicate & Connect Podcast! I’m your host, Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, and today we have a deeply insightful conversation lined up with our special guest, Leigh Conant, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in the military community.

In this episode, we dive into the emotional and logistical complexities of military spouse relocation. Leigh shares her personal experience moving from a well-established community in New Orleans to Camp Lejeune in North Carolina, detailing the mix of excitement and profound grief that comes with leaving friends and cherished homes behind. We explore the hidden stresses of planning and the unique emotional burdens military spouses face during these transitions, including the phenomenon of delayed grief and somatic experiences linked to unprocessed emotions.

Listen in as we discuss practical tips for managing these challenging relocations—embracing the full spectrum of complex emotions, fostering clear communication within families, and maintaining meaningful long-distance friendships. We’ll also share insights on how busy lives can overshadow our emotional awareness and how embracing the richness of our experiences can bring deeper connection in relationships.

Whether you’re a military spouse navigating a move or anyone dealing with significant life changes, this episode is packed with valuable advice and heartfelt stories that resonate deeply. So, stay tuned, and let’s embark on this journey together!

Guest Speaker Bio – “Leigh Conant”

Leigh Conant is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) with a private practice based out of Northern Virginia. Her career includes working in hospice care, with Military OneSource, and for the Vet Center Readjustment Counseling Program with the Department of Veterans Affairs.

Leigh is a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist and Supervisor, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, and a Mental Health and Resiliency Advisor for a non-profit organization, Outdoor Odyssey. Outdoor Odyssey provides leadership development for organizations with a focus on team building, leadership and mentoring skills, and individual and team resiliency skills using a unique wilderness experience. She has a specialization in work with the military community, and a passion for working with couples and all types of relationships. Her focus is on supporting humans in building strong and healthy connections with each other, within themselves and with their larger communities. Leigh is a military spouse, and met her husband 30+ years ago when they were military kids.

When Leigh is not with clients, you can find her moving her body and being out in nature as much as she can be (she believes these are 2 essential ingredients to help regulate our body’s experience of stress that comes with managing life!), figuring out projects for which she can use a miter saw, and spending time with friends, family and her husband, often laughing hysterically at something funny he said.

You can connect with Leigh through her website at leighconant.com

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Episode Transcript for “Military Spouse Relocation: Navigating leaving friends and home behind with Leigh Conant”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:02]:

This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.connecticateandconnect.com.

Leigh Conant [00:00:25]:

Foreign.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:31]:

You’re listening to episode 59 on Military Spouse relocation and navigating, leaving friends and home behind. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect podcast. This is episode 59 on Military Spouse relocation and navigating, leaving friends and home behind. We have a special guest with us today, Lee Conant, and I’m really excited to have her here. So.

Leigh Conant [00:01:05]:

Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:06]:

So let’s dive in. Lee, I’m so excited to have you.

Leigh Conant [00:01:09]:

Thank you, Liz. I’m so glad to be here, and it’s always really fun to connect with other military spouses on this journey that we’re in.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:19]:

Yes. Yeah. I was gonna say for those who don’t. Don’t know you or don’t know us, that we met through eft. Really?

Leigh Conant [00:01:30]:

Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:31]:

And I think really connected because we are both military spouses. And it’s. It’s, like, so nice to have somebody in, I think, I guess, my, like, professional life who also gets what the personal life is like and navigating the professional life with the personal life at the same time.

Leigh Conant [00:01:53]:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Especially in our line of work. And that sense of kind of connection with other people with shared experiences and that community. Sometimes I know for me, it can be hard to find where that both personal and professional crossover. And so when I am able to find that, I like to jump on it. So I’m just so glad to be connected with you and that our paths have crossed.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:19]:

Yeah, me too. I think it kind of aligns with our topic, too. Of. Thankfully, I’ve got Zoom and I can talk to you, you know, at different times. And we’ve never lived in the same location. But when military spouses do relocate, this leaving friends behind. But before we go too far, is there anything that you’d want the audience to know, to know about you?

Leigh Conant [00:02:44]:

Well, again, I’m Lee Conant, and my professional background is that I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I now have a private practice that is based out of the Northern Virginia area. Before that, my professional experience included a background in finance. Before I became a therapist, I have work in both hospice care settings. I did a little stint with military onesource as well, and I’ve also worked for the Vet center readjustment Counseling program, which is part of the Department of Veterans Affairs. So that’s some of my background before I opened my private practice. I am a certified emotionally focused therapist and supervisor, a model that I fell in love with when I was first introduced back to it in grad school and have been involved in continuing to learn and help with trainings and now supervising since. And I’m also somatic experiencing practitioner, which I love this model as well because it’s really looking at how we get into our bodies.

Leigh Conant [00:03:56]:

And I often think of emotionally focused therapy as getting to the heart of things while somatic work gets us to the heartbeat.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:07]:

Oh, interesting. What a fun metaphor. But maybe you can. What do you mean by that when you say that?

Leigh Conant [00:04:15]:

It takes us even deeper into our experience. I love the combination of both somatic work with emotionally focused work because it just really delves into us not only connecting with ourselves more deeply, but through that then being able to connect with others in our life, in our relationships, and ultimately in our communities as well.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:38]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:04:41]:

Another thing I also like to mention too is I serve as an advisory board member for a nonprofit organization called Outdoor Odyssey. And I love this organization. They actually provide leadership development for both children outside the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area, but also for organizations across the country with a focus on team building, leadership and mentoring skills, and individual and team resiliency skill building. And they do it in a wilderness kind of experience out on a mountaintop where you’re surrounded by nature. And they have such an amazing foundation of safe and secure attachment as part of the work they do. And connected with them as well.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:34]:

Yeah. Great. Yeah. And they work with military and veterans, don’t they?

Leigh Conant [00:05:40]:

They sure do. They offer a program called Semper Fi Odyssey and they’ve been doing it, gosh, for over 10 years now. Where it’s a week long program. It originally started with wounded, ill and injured service members who were transitioning out of the military, especially after the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were happening. What they do is they set them up with mentors to really help them look at what’s happening in their life, what are their goals they’d like to achieve, and they build a bond not only with their mentor, but as a team that can help them move towards and achieve those goals that they’d like to experience in life after their transition out of the military. So it’s really, it’s a great program.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:30]:

Yeah. So for anybody listening, I will. If you check out the show notes, you’ll find links links there in case anybody might be interested in learning more about, about Lee or in this non profit. So yeah, I Might. I’m gonna kind of transition us maybe to the. To the heart of our episode, which is really about, like, how. How military spouse relocation can impact people. And I know I mentioned this to you last time we spoke, but we’re in the.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:09]:

We just. We just found out that we will be moving back to Virginia Beach. So in. In the process of. Of like trying to emotionally prepare for moving again and leaving this behind. Yeah. Maybe we could just talk a little bit about how. How it does tend to impact people.

Leigh Conant [00:07:30]:

Yeah. And Liz, what I love about our time together today is we’re kind of on the two opposite ends of the moving experience and the relocation. I completed a move. Well, completed. I’m not fully into feeling settled yet, but we are on the other side of the moving truck coming and moving our stuff, settled in our new house. And you’re on the beginning stages of anticipating a move.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:00]:

Yeah, yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:08:02]:

And from the beginning, through the period I know for myself when I actually feel settled in a new location can take about a year.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:14]:

Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. Yeah. A long time to adjust to something like that.

Leigh Conant [00:08:21]:

Absolutely. Absolutely. And there’s such a complex, not only web of experiences and emotions that happen during relocation, but also the mental load. The mental load, the physical load, and everything we’re trying to navigate as spouses and couples and families. It’s a lot.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:44]:

Yeah. I’m thinking maybe could you say a little bit more? Because I’m thinking. I guess I’m trying to figure out how to put my experience and into words, like in terms of mental load. I’m like constantly thinking about it. It’s. It’s kind of distracting from work and social things. I. I start thinking like, are we going to need to replace carpet? Are we gonn, like just random? Like all the little things that I could think about, maybe.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:19]:

Or we have tenants in our house and I find myself thinking, like, is it going to line up? Well, what. What if the military decides they want us to move before the tenants lease is up? What. What will we do? What if. What if the military, Terry, wants us to move after the tenants leases up and the tenants have already moved out? What will we do? All the things.

Leigh Conant [00:09:47]:

All the what ifs. I know with this last move, we made a big move and we were excited about this move, but there was also a lot of grief leaving the place we lived before because I made such a great community of friends. We moved from New Orleans, and now we’re in North Carolina at Camp Lejeune. And this was a move we wanted. We were Anticipating. We’ve got family close by here. We’ve got friends and people that have been in our life for years that we just haven’t had as much time with because of living far away. On one hand, the emotional part of it is being super excited.

Leigh Conant [00:10:29]:

Then on the other hand, I would say at least three months or so before we were even doing the move. I found myself kind of unexpectedly saying to my friends in New Orleans, I’m going to miss you guys so much.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:46]:

Yeah, right.

Leigh Conant [00:10:47]:

I could just start to feel the anticipation and that loss starting to set in, and it’s like it would just spontaneously come out of my mouth sometimes, and I’d be like, oh, I must be starting the grieving process here.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:04]:

Yeah. I can kind of feel it even when you say it right now. The loss. You bet you’re excited about it.

Leigh Conant [00:11:13]:

Exactly. And then, like, you were saying the mental load, too. And then you’re distracted because you’ve got your list to make and you’re wondering, what do I need to pack before the packers come? How long is it going to take me? Where are we going to stay? What is it going to look like as we’re navigating across the country? If we have pets, if we have kids, how are we going to get them all set up?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:38]:

So many emotions and thoughts, basically, that are consuming.

Leigh Conant [00:11:47]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:49]:

Yeah. I think my. I. I know it’s been really different for different friends that I’ve had. I think for me, I tend to be more on the side of, like. I kind of have, like, anxious energy that really activates me, and I want to. I want to think about everything and plan, do all the things. But I.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:11]:

I know I have a really. A good friend who kind of is more on maybe on the grief side, where she really kind of deflates, doesn’t have as much energy, is very tearful, and, like, it hits her kind of that way. Yeah. And she was going somewhere she did not want to go, which made it even harder.

Leigh Conant [00:12:37]:

You bet. You bet. That can be such a hard experience. That was our last move. Not the one here to North Carolina, but when we moved to New Orleans, that was a real struggle for me. And so, yeah. When you’re wanting to go someplace where it maybe wasn’t as easy, I know for me, figuring out professionally, what is that going to look like, being further away from family, being leaving a place that I would just love to being in. I can totally relate.

Leigh Conant [00:13:15]:

Right. To your friend and her. The grief is a little bit different because it feels more compounded.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:22]:

There’s A lot of grief.

Leigh Conant [00:13:26]:

Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:27]:

Like when I as you, as you said that, I found myself thinking about there are so many things to grieve. Like there’s the grieving, your friends, and like a support system that you’ve developed. And that can be hard to get to begin with. Like we. How we said at the beginning, it’s hard to find, like kind of your people. Well, well, I think a lot of us in the military kind of get along and relate because of the military. There’s like another layer when it’s, oh, these people really get me.

Leigh Conant [00:14:06]:

Exactly.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:07]:

And I’m moving away and then leaving a location that you love to go to a look, especially if it’s a location you don’t like.

Leigh Conant [00:14:16]:

Right.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:18]:

When we moved here, we left our house and we had got married in the backyard. And so it has a lot of, like, a lot of emotional meaning is in, in our house. For me.

Leigh Conant [00:14:33]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:34]:

And I think that was the hardest thing for me. Like the hardest loss part was leaving my home and my actual house.

Leigh Conant [00:14:44]:

Yeah. It sounds like where you started your life together.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:48]:

Yeah. Yeah, it really was.

Leigh Conant [00:14:51]:

You bet. You bet. And is that the house you’re going back into?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:55]:

Yes. Thank goodness. Yeah. So I’m, I, I told my husband, I was like, we can never get rid of this house. We got married in the backyard. That’s not, it’s not, you know, feasible. Like when people upgrade to second homes, we never getting, if, if we got another home, we’re never getting r this one.

Leigh Conant [00:15:17]:

But you bad. It’s like it becomes the places we live become a part of us in a way that when we’re away from up. I know for myself, I didn’t expect that it would be such a hold. We actually sold our first home that we had lived in together when we made our move before this one. And I was shocked how much grieving I had to do. I was dreaming about it for probably a good year afterwards, I was like, wow, I didn’t know all that was in there. And sometimes I think in our grieving process, we may be grieving. Other times we didn’t realize we hadn’t grieved yet either.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:08]:

Yeah. Can you say more, more about that? Like, what do you, what do you mean when you say that?

Leigh Conant [00:16:13]:

You know, sometimes when you’re moving so fast, Right. Because you’ve got to get everything done. You’ve got to get the move ready, you’ve got to tie up loose ends at your old duty station and then you’re busy getting settled in your new duty station. Maybe you’re working on resumes and trying to find a job or you’re making lists of what to do for to get your kids into school and plugged into different things. And there’s so much to do that sometimes I think we just don’t have time to grieve some of the pieces and we don’t realize it till later. When we have some of the time, we’re like, oh, yeah, I never realized that was something that maybe I hadn’t taken this time and space for to grieve that about that location or a different location that we were in. And sometimes it can come up when we finally do have the time to experience some of those things.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:19]:

Yeah, I’m just making connections as you’re talking. I was thinking about the work we do. EFT is attachment based. And so we’re sort of talking about attachment to social relationships or friendships and my house.

Leigh Conant [00:17:39]:

Exactly.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:40]:

And then I’m also thinking about the emotional component, which I’m thinking ties into the somatic. I actually don’t know much about somatic experiencing, so you’ll have to tell me if I’m tracking with this. But just that in. In the busyness of it all, I can kind of skip past my emotions, I guess, what I’m hearing and that it’s going to come back. I’ll. I’ll end up feeling it later. This is such a gross metaphor. So I’m sorry in advance, but it’s how I think about grief.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:15]:

I sometimes think about it like gas. Like if you have. Feel. Feel gas in your body that. And it’s like painful, but there’s no, there’s nothing to do but wait for it to process out of you.

Leigh Conant [00:18:31]:

That’s right. You know where it is and you just have to wait.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:37]:

So sorry for everybody for the gross metaphor, but I think if I skip past it, right. Like if I. If I’m so busy that I. I don’t notice my emotions, there maybe is like a little bit of a buildup of emotions too.

Leigh Conant [00:18:54]:

You bet. You bet. And that’s such a vivid and real metaphor, right. As you just said that I could feel that in my body. I’m going to use the somatically, like I had a sensory experience of my body being able to connect with your image that then connected with what we were talking about, about grief. And so for myself, it felt like I’m more of a whole body contact with myself, which when we’re distracted, right. And then even distracted from our own emotions, it’s like there’s these Subtle signs. But we.

Leigh Conant [00:19:34]:

We don’t. It’s like we don’t have time to pay attention to it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:38]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:19:39]:

But it’s there.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:42]:

Yeah. I actually haven’t read this book yet. The Body Keeps Score. It’s on my list. People talk about it so much, but I. I know that one of the premises is like a buildup in your body of emotion. If I really boil it down, I think they’re also probably talking about trauma, but that this is a. I’m just thinking about how this makes it harder.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:10]:

The adjustment harder, because we do have to be so busy.

Leigh Conant [00:20:15]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:16]:

Like, take care of it all.

Leigh Conant [00:20:19]:

Exactly.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:20]:

The buildup of emotions keeps happening.

Leigh Conant [00:20:24]:

It sure does. It sure does. And then, you know, figuring out how you’re finding your place in your new community. And on the other side of grief, I think there’s also the excitement and the. You know, there’s kind of a little bit of adventure in it, or, like, when we made our move to where we’re located now, for my husband and I, this was also where we met. So there was some unexpected feelings of, like, nostalgia and being at home and just taking in a place I had lived before in a new and completely different way that has been absolutely delightful.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:09]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:21:10]:

Right. And. And then I’m also recognizing that part of me that’s grieving. Where we left in New Orleans, and all the fun and the sequins and the glitter and the pieces that made our duty station there kind of so vibrant in a way I would have never experienced in my life. And so that’s. While there’s the grief, there’s also this amazing experience we get to have as military spouses, traveling and living in different locations and having these experiences that we. That can be profound and impact us in ways we would have never imagined.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:56]:

Yes. And that makes it all more. At least for me. It makes it more complex of, like, I have this one part of me that’s feeling all this grief stuff, and this other part of me that’s like, oh, my gosh, this is so cool that I get to do this new thing. Like, we’ve. We’ve gone to Tahoe a lot while we’re here, and that is gorgeous. Like, I just love being there. And who knows? Like, when we’re back on the east coast, like.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:28]:

Like, when will I realistically come back to Tahoe? I have no idea. But it’s nice that it’s not always grief. I guess I can hold on, you know, to those nice moments. But then it’s also funny in some sort of Way to be feeling both at the same time.

Leigh Conant [00:22:50]:

Exactly. And I love the word you use, complex. Because I. Part of my experience is that when we’re able to simultaneously hold all these different experiences of ourselves as humans, that that’s a really healthy thing to do, to be able to make space for all those parts of ourselves. And simultaneously doing that is a very complex process. And sometimes it’s hard to do and sometimes it’s easier.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:27]:

Yeah. One of the things I was going to ask you is about like tips for military spouses who are for military spouse relocation and going through this process. And I’m, I’m thinking here’s tip one. I’m sure we have previous tips that we’ve talked about, but I’m, I’m coding it in my mind. Tip one. Like it’s the complexity.

Leigh Conant [00:23:49]:

Exactly.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:50]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:23:50]:

I love that. Embrace the complexity of it. And another tip I would say is in that complexity, letting yourself kind of grieve, letting yourself feel the excitement, giving yourself just some time for whatever it is that you’re noticing and experience and letting that happen. Sometimes I think like we were talking about, we can forget that that’s even happening because we’re so distracted. But that gentle reminder to ourselves of, hold on, let me just do a quick check in with myself. How am I doing today?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:33]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:24:34]:

How is my partner doing? How are my kids doing? Can we just take a few minutes to check in about that and letting all the feels be there?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:45]:

Yes.

Leigh Conant [00:24:47]:

Right.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:48]:

Yeah. So I’m, I’m maybe just going to code them in my mind as we go. So we’ve got embrace the complexity. But I’m also hearing really make time to let yourself just feel your feelings.

Leigh Conant [00:25:00]:

Right.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:01]:

And like you don’t necessarily have to do anything with them. Just, just let them, just let yourself feel them, let them process through. Through you sort of. And then I’m hearing intentional check ins for yourself, but also for your family members, your, your partner and your kids.

Leigh Conant [00:25:19]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:20]:

So that way we can be doing it maybe, maybe together.

Leigh Conant [00:25:24]:

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And during those check ins, I know sometimes when we’re able to name, hey, I’m. Yep. I’m overwhelmed. Right. And making that clear, that clarity about that, then kind of everybody knows where we are in that moment. Or somebody might say, I’m sad right now.

Leigh Conant [00:25:48]:

Somebody else might say, I’m really excited. And so when we’re able to name that just in that check in, that can help give clarity to the people around us in a way in my circumstance. So they don’t take anything. I Say or do personally.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:05]:

Yeah. Yes. Like, I’m not mad at, like if I’m irritable, it’s not mad at you. I’m. I’m overwhelmed with all the packing or whatever it is.

Leigh Conant [00:26:17]:

Yes. Yes. Yeah. I know for me, that’s often what I’ll say all the time to my husband and oftentimes my parents will come help with moving too. And sometimes I have to remind myself to, to say I’m overwhelmed or there’s so much to do. I can’t myself think right now. And that can be just helpful.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:44]:

Yeah. I was thinking. I know that feeling. I know that feeling of I. I can’t even think. What I really like though about this part of our discussion is I. I’m also thinking about, you know, there’s a massive impact on military spouses, like individually on, on everybody at an individual level during relocation, but then also the couple dynamics.

Leigh Conant [00:27:10]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:12]:

Like, because, because everybody’s kind of stressed and I’m. We could broaden this to like the entire family relationships too, but we’re all reacting out of our stress.

Leigh Conant [00:27:24]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:25]:

And it’s so easy to take that personally however somebody is like, however somebody’s reacting, for me to take it personally or for misunderstandings to happen. So I like this idea of the check in or the clarity part.

Leigh Conant [00:27:44]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:45]:

Yeah. I don’t know if you have any thoughts on that that you want to add, but that’s where my mind goes with that.

Leigh Conant [00:27:51]:

Absolutely. I think for especially the couple’s relationship that during moves and that heightened stress that happens, there’s going to be a lot more. What we in the in eft world call is a lot of ruptures in the connection. Often that’s happening sometimes on a daily basis. And they can be really small ruptures. And what I mean by a rupture is when there’s a break in connection or a breakdown in understanding when you’re communicating, it can feel like a heightened moment where. Of just complete misunderstanding and where each partner is kind of reacting. Someone might be short or someone might be frustrated or someone might walk away.

Leigh Conant [00:28:43]:

There’s a rupture that happens in those stressful moments. And when we can capture those and making sure we’re kind of again going back to that idea of clarity going, oh my gosh, I’m just really overwhelmed right now. That’s why that came out in this short and sharp way maybe. Or that’s why you might notice me being more direct right now. I’m just completely overwhelmed. That can really help clear up some of Those ruptures in communication that happen. Yeah. But they’re probably going to be happening a lot.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:20]:

Yes. It allows it to go from a misunderstanding to helping there be understanding. Because you’re making it really clear and explicit.

Leigh Conant [00:29:30]:

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:35]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:29:35]:

And going back for a moment if it feels okay. I was thinking of the idea of. We were talking about tips for spouses as you’re navigating. Leaving friends.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:52]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:29:52]:

And leaving a location, moving to a new one. And then I’ll bring this back to the idea around couples is I know for myself what I start often doing is I start looking up kind of interests and activities in my new location.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:30:13]:

Yes.

Leigh Conant [00:30:14]:

As a way to. Because I want to get plugged in. And then, you know, I’m also leaving the. The former location. And that there’s this, like, grace period that I find myself in where I feel like I’m straddling two worlds. There’s a part of me that wants to be in the world I’m leaving, and a part of me that wants to be in the world I’m coming to. And I think. I know for me, I’ve actually navigated physically, going back to locations, maybe more so at the beginning of a move versus when I’m feeling more settled in a new place.

Leigh Conant [00:30:55]:

And I think for families that also have children as well, that is something that children may experience too, whether it’s in the couple relationship or in the family relationship. Really giving. Being able to navigate that as a family, that you might need time going back to an old location maybe. And that’s okay. And being able to have. Feel support in that or I know like a lot of people with children and we don’t have any kids, so I hear this through my friends that when they have time, you know, connecting with their old friends, whether it’s through phone calls or their face timing or they’re playing their video games together, that can be a really helpful way to ease the transition into the new location. And we, for ourselves as spouses, might need that too.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:31:52]:

Yes. Yeah. It’s a benefit. It’s always hard for me to say, like, benefits came out of COVID I always feel like, icky about that. But like, like, I had to. I had to socialize so much over zoom and online during COVID that it feels so normal now that if I want to hang out with you or hang out with. Hang out with somebody, I can. I can just set.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:20]:

Set you up on my kitchen counter and have coffee and. And chat with you, and that helps. And I did that a lot when, when I first moved here, I would do so many zoom calls with people.

Leigh Conant [00:32:39]:

You bet. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that can be one of the beautiful things again about. While there’s grief, there’s also living in these different locations and whether it’s both personally and professionally, these relationships we’re able to build that continue to be in our life in different varying degrees. So even though we might move, we can still get together with people that maybe we were at a duty location with 10 years ago and it’s like, like we were living in the same place again. And there’s a really cool thing about having relationships like that.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:22]:

Yes. Yeah, that is nice. We were just at this event over past weekend called Tail Hook, which is this aviation conference basically that happens every year. And I had kind of a similar moment like that there were people that I, that were there that I had met when I met my husband in, in Pensacola, Florida. So like what our, what our time was like in our, you know, just early dating as the phase of life and all of the like social things there. But there were people from that time period that I hadn’t seen since then. I was like, wow, like it is easy to get back into the flow of what it, what the friendship feels like and that feels like a great, like a good sign of a really like a meaningful connection that I can, I can get back into the flow with you.

Leigh Conant [00:34:29]:

Absolutely.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:34:30]:

Yeah.

Leigh Conant [00:34:31]:

Absolutely. Yeah. I have some friends from our time when we lived in Massachusetts and this was over 10 years ago and they weren’t connected with the military at all. It was one of those duty locations where there, there wasn’t really much of a military community because of the, the location we were in. So the friendships I made were all non military related friendships and they’ve been relationships I’ve been able to keep all these years and pretty much they come to visit us every dutyless location that we have and I love it. And, and there is that connection even outside of the military community. Right. Whether it’s professionally or with other friendships and community people that you just have a meaningful connection with.

Leigh Conant [00:35:23]:

And it’s always. For me it feels like my heart feels full every time I’m able to reconnect with someone who I lived close with or had a, had a relationship, meaningful relationship with in my life.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:35:39]:

Yeah. So I, I think this takes me to like, I really like this tip of, you know, it’s recommended all the time when people go on, on deployments, like go, go visit people and go, you know, go travel to see your friends. Or your family.

Leigh Conant [00:35:59]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:35:59]:

But I really like that for this as well. Of like. Like either traveling back or connecting over zoom. Or like you’re. I think you said, having. Setting it up so the kids can play video games with their friends who were back there, that there are ways to maintain the connection which can help it feel less of a. It’s less of a loss that way. Because while we’re apart, we’re not actually totally disconnected.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:36:32]:

We can still, yeah, I guess, have connection as. As we’re apart physically.

Leigh Conant [00:36:38]:

Exactly. Yeah. I grew up as a military kid as well. And looking back on it now, I did have time during the summers or even throughout the year where we luckily lived close enough to one of our last duty station or one of the duty stations where I felt really connected with, which happened to be here in North Carol. And so I was able to come back and visit friends and they were able to come visit me. And what’s been most fun, or one of the things that’s most fun about coming back to North Carolina now is my best girlfriend from my middle school years. We’re now back in the same state. And it’s because we had that time together over the years where we were able.

Leigh Conant [00:37:25]:

Not only did we make the time, but our parents helped us make the time for each other. That helped in all these transitions. And it’s so cool to then be in the same state again as adults years later.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:37:40]:

Yes. Also, I’m. I’m just remembering someone telling me a while back about how they grew up as a. As a military child and how their experience was sort of. I’m not going to develop deep friendships because I’m going to have to say goodbye. And how that sort of hindered them in. In developing meaningful relationships as they grew into adulthood. I was thinking this is the way.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:38:11]:

This is the way to prevent that, is have these moments of, let me not just cut off and be like, that’s. That part’s done. Now I’m in the new place, but can I bring the connection with me as I move or go back and nurture it again?

Leigh Conant [00:38:29]:

Exactly, exactly. And, you know, so going back to that idea of a grace period where you’re kind of straddling two worlds for a little while, then I often have this part of that straddling where I can feel myself really engaging in the new community, where then I do have to really go, okay, I’ve got to structure my time that if I really want to feel myself invested here, I know I can’t spend as much time in those other places anymore. And then finding that, then you get immersed in that new community and then you get ready to leave, and there’s that whole grief process of leaving that community that you invested your time and energy in. And. And so I think there is a time, though, that we do have to say, okay, I need to be here where I’m planted now, and how do I really help myself feel connected and fulfilled and enjoy parts of where I am now, even if I might not enjoy the whole experience of being here?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:39:35]:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if I had to, like, summarize, like, the message that I’m taking from our whole conversation, it, like, it’s messy emotionally. Lots of complex feelings, and to just kind of let it be messy emotionally and let. Let yourself feel all of the complex feelings. That’s kind of how I am summarizing and taking away what we’re talking about. Maybe you would. Maybe you would do it differently, but. Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:07]:

How.

Leigh Conant [00:40:08]:

Yes.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:09]:

Sort of thinking about, like, key. Key takeaways, maybe from our. Our conversation.

Leigh Conant [00:40:16]:

No, I’m so glad you’re mentioning that. Key takeaways, absolutely. It’s messy and complex. And I would say another key takeaway is there’s a richness to it as well.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:27]:

Right.

Leigh Conant [00:40:28]:

There’s a richness to the life, to this life that we lead as military spouses and families that. Within that complexness, and can we let ourselves experience the richness of it within that complexity? Another idea that came up was around this. This idea of couples relationships, too, and how we. How we can make space for each other within our struggles. And I think there’s also really big opportunity for deeper connection with our partners in these moves. Right. We can continue to learn more about ourselves. We can continue to learn how to get clear with each other when there’s ruptures and how to help ourselves and our families navigate and navigate through these things.

Leigh Conant [00:41:23]:

And so I think there’s opportunities for deeper connection with our partners and our families.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:28]:

Yeah, Yeah. I like that as a key takeaway, too. Yeah. It’s like that’s all I ever want in life. All I want for people, too.

Leigh Conant [00:41:40]:

Exactly. Exactly.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:42]:

Well, I was thinking people might want to know how to work with you or how to find you, whether it’s for. I mean, you. You do the same type of couples counseling I do. And so certainly people who are familiar with this podcast understand EFT and might be looking for somebody in North Carolina or Virginia, because you’re in Virginia too, but. Yeah. Could you share a little bit about how people could find you and work.

Leigh Conant [00:42:09]:

With you, but absolutely. So again, part of my specialty is working with the military community and especially with couples. And best way to reach me is through my website. And that website is my first and last name, Lee conant.com and if you want to get a hold of me, you can send me a message through my website. That’s the best way to get a hold of me there. And also the organization that I’m on, the advisory board for, Outdoor Odyssey, if you’re interested in leadership development opportunities for your teams or your organizations, or if you’re also a military member who is either transitioning out of the military or maybe you’re a veteran who has already transitioned out and you’re kind of in a place in life where you’re struggling about what to do next, you’re struggling maybe with some, some goals and, and where you, you kind of want to lead your life in this next phase. Certainly reach out. You can go to outdoor odyssey.org to look at the opportunities to use some of their programs to help.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:43:22]:

Okay, great. Again, those links will be in the show notes if anybody just wants to easily click and find those them. So, Lee, thank you so much for being on the podcast. Do you have any, any sort of final last thoughts before we end?

Leigh Conant [00:43:39]:

Oh goodness, great question. I am just, I’m happy to be here. I’m so happy to be connected with you, Liz, and to be able to get this information out to the audience. So I’m so grateful for your podcast and having a place to talk about all these varying things that we deal with as, as military community members.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:44:03]:

Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks for being here to share.

Leigh Conant [00:44:06]:

You bet.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:44:15]:

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our free 10 week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.