Communicating Needs in a Relationship with Juliette Karaman

Episode Summary of “Communicating Needs in a Relationship with Juliette Karaman”

Welcome to the Communicate & Connect Podcast, where we dive deep into the intricacies of building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. In episode 38, we are excited to host Juliette Karaman, a distinguished mind-body coach and mentor who specializes in enhancing intimate connections and emotional well-being.

Juliette Karaman joins us from the UK to share her expertise in transforming communication patterns within relationships. With her extensive background in psychology, hypnotherapy, and trauma-informed coaching, Juliette has helped countless couples and individuals develop a deeper understanding of their emotional triggers and improve their relational dynamics.

In this episode, we explore the often-overlooked differences between therapy and coaching, offering insight into how these approaches can complement each other in fostering personal growth and stronger partnerships. Juliette illuminates the path to emotional intelligence, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and the ability to communicate needs effectively.

You’ll gain actionable strategies that can be applied to your own relationship, such as how to manage reactivity, nurture emotional connection, and reignite passion through adventurous and meaningful date experiences. For military families and couples dealing with long-distance challenges, Juliette offers valuable advice on staying connected and reestablishing intimacy despite the miles apart.

Guest Speaker Bio – “Juliette Karaman”

Juliette Karaman is a dedicated coach and mentor who specializes in nurturing intimate relationships, particularly focusing on the crucial relationship individuals have with themselves. Her work predominantly involves guiding women and couples to understand and enhance their emotional intelligence. Juliette has keenly observed that many relationship struggles stem from unresolved emotional baggage and memories triggered by past experiences or upbringing. Through her coaching, she empowers her clients to transform from self-critics to self-champions, fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections with themselves and their partners.

Check out her website at feelfullyyou.com.

Free Relationship Pattern Assessment

Many couples assume they have a communication problem when they’re actually stuck in a relationship pattern that keeps creating the same conflict.

Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

👉 https://pages.communicateandconnect.com/relationship-quiz

Episode Transcript for “Communicating Needs in a Relationship with Juliette Karaman”

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:00]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect podcast. This episode 38 on communicating needs in a relationship with Juliette Caraman. And I’m really excited that we have Juliette on the podcast today. She does a lot of things, so I’m going to let her introduce herself first. But the topic for today really is going to be about communication and how to communicate the needs in the relationship. So, Juliet, why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself and especially the work you do with couples.

Juliette Karaman [00:01:05]:
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. So my name is Juliette Kerman. I’m Dutch originally and I’ve been living in the UK for, gosh, which child? 23 years. I know I have to go back and see which children were born where. I’m a mother of four kids. They’re on their early 20s. I had four kids in under three years time, so you can imagine.

Juliette Karaman [00:01:28]:
Madness. It was in my house.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:30]:
Yes. Lots of little ones.

Juliette Karaman [00:01:33]:
Crazy. Crazy. They’re, they’re, thank God, they’re, they’re in their 20s now. It’s. Every age is beautiful, but this is really beautiful to see how they go into adulthood now. I’m a mind body coach, mentor. I’m a hypnotherapist. I’ve got degree in psychology.

Juliette Karaman [00:01:50]:
I’ve been coaching and mentoring couples and a lot of women actually, and the most intimate relationship they have in life, and that’s actually the one with yourself. So. Right. Because we’re with ourselves and we’re our own worst critic and we can also be our own best cheerleader.

But oftentimes I’ve noticed that in relationship we have so much emotional baggage. We have. We’re not very emotionally intelligent and which means that often we’ll react to what our partner is doing. And that might have been because it triggers some kind of memory, some kind of emotional memory from the past, how we’ve been treated or how what our parents did, what community, whatever it is.

Juliette Karaman [00:02:42]:
And then instead of responding, we react. And then afterwards it’s like, oh my God, you know, our relationship is drifting away. How can I take more care of me so that this doesn’t happen again?

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:55]:
Yeah, I love that you’re talking about that. That’s often really involved in how I work with couples too. But that individual piece is so important. Why Am I reacting and can I work on the things that are happening emotionally for me on the inside? Completely, yeah. And I was just thinking as you were talking, I think you’re the first person to. To be outside of the us on the podcast. So that’s kind of a fun thing. You get to be the first one.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:27]:
So just because I think it’s important to also help kind of like educate people on the. On how do I know who to work with? What is the difference between a therapist and a coach? Do you mind talking a little bit about how you describe that to people?

Juliette Karaman [00:03:46]:
Yeah, absolutely. I would say a therapist holds beautiful space and will get you to talk through whatever has happened and we’ll give you definite insight. They often won’t talk about their own story. They won’t use, like, coaches. What we do is we use a lot of storytelling to get to a point. We’ll either use ourself or we’ll use our clients as a way to make a point so that it’s people get it and they’re like, oh, yeah, that’s a great example. Therapists will never use themselves. They might use other clients, but not so much.

Juliette Karaman [00:04:21]:
What I do with coaching is I’m very trauma informed and I use a lot of different methods. I use hypnotherapy in my coaching and in my mentoring. I coach and mentor other therapists and other coaches as well. And how to relieve some of that stuckness, some of those intense experiences that we’ve had and how to move through that. Because like everyone else, therapists and coaches also need education, Just need support. Right? We all need support.

Therapist vs Coach: Mentorship Role Explained

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:52]:
Absolutely. Yeah. That I know that is a big part of how we’re trained as therapists is that we should be going to our own therapist so that way we can work on our own stuff in order to be a better therapist, or in your case, like a coach. And I liked your use of the word mentor because I think that it, like, I think that is a big part of coaching. I.

I’m not a coach, so I don’t want to, like, speak for coaches. But when I have been trying to learn about the difference between therapists and coaches, there is a way that mentoring feels like a really good word. We’re sort of like, yeah, we’re going through the same experience together and I’m going to share about how I’m working through this experience and hopefully that’ll help you.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:39]:
Does that feel right? When I say that?

Juliette Karaman [00:05:42]:
It’s really interesting. One of my first coaching programs, we were talking about What a coach is, and the way that they’d explained it, how I’ve always retained it, is like when you have a pothole, there’s this big pothole in the street and someone is stuck in it.

And the priests will look down and say, oh, here’s your Bible. Let’s pray together and get you out. The therapist is like, tell me your story. What’s happened to you in childhood? You know, that hopefully will help the coach. What they do is they jump in with them, and the person’s like, what’s happened? It’s like, oh, I’ve been there. I know how to get out.

Juliette Karaman [00:06:23]:
That just kind of resonated with me where it’s kind of really like a mentorship. It’s like, hey, I’ve been there. I know how to. I know the tools that have helped me and that have helped clients get out. So why don’t I teach you the tools so you can get out yourself?

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:41]:
Yeah, I like that. So in. I was just. It’s reminding me in. When I worked at the. In a hospital, we had something called peer counselors, which functioned very much like a coach. And again, I’m not a peer counselor, so maybe I’m misrepresenting them, and maybe I should find a peer counselor to have on the podcast so they can accurately represent peer counseling. But it was.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:03]:
I’ve gone through this, and so I can be a support to you as you go through this completely.

Unregulated Coaching Industry Challenges

Juliette Karaman [00:07:09]:
The thing is, I would also say, like, coaching is not regulated. It’s not a regulated industry at the moment, where I know a lot of us are wanting to try and change that because it is a bit of wild west out there. You can get some people that have just not done a lot of training. So I would definitely say look around for someone. Really trust your instinct, because you get a gut instinct.

Do you like that person? Do you not like them? Do they offer complimentary sessions? Is there somewhere that you can look at their work? Do they have guided meditations? Do you know what. What do they offer for free so that you really can get a feel for them? A lot of coaches often offer master classes at a low. Either for free or at a low, low point of monetary exchange.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:02]:
Gosh.

Juliette Karaman [00:08:03]:
Yeah. My words are not. Not working today.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:06]:
That’s okay.

Juliette Karaman [00:08:07]:
Low price point. That’s what I was trying to say. I’m like. My brain thinks. It’s like, you know, I’ve been speaking English for years, and sometimes my Dutch brain just kicks in.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:17]:
Yeah, totally, totally fine. Yeah. You know, everyone knows what you. What you’re talking about. So I like what you’re saying in that you kind of have to feel them out and do your research about the person to make sure they’re, I don’t know, going to be able to help you.

Juliette Karaman [00:08:34]:
Yeah. And also see what, what, how it feels energetically. Right. Because it’s like the same when you walk into a room with people. You either want to right away leave and you’re like, oh, there’s something off here that doesn’t feel right. Or it’s like, oh, people are very inviting. You’re like, oh, my God. I feel like I’ve known everyone for years.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:53]:
Yeah. I can feel the. This is your mind body coaching coming out right now. The feeling in your gut.

Juliette Karaman [00:09:01]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:01]:
Completely in the energy.

Juliette Karaman [00:09:03]:
Yeah. And really like tapping into that instinct. Right. Because our body really is our compass and it’s, it teaches us so much about what’s going on. You know, this whole. Now that we finally find out, find out about the whole nervous system and how that’s regulating us. How, how oftentimes we have been coming from a freeze or fawn or, or fight flight state. And actually that is our body telling us like we’re unsafe.

Juliette Karaman [00:09:31]:
So if we constantly feel that we’re unsafe, then emotionally we’re going to lash out. We’re going to fight or we’re going to fawn. We’re going to people, please. Or we’re going to flee. Like we’re out of here. Right.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:45]:
Yes. Yeah. And I love that you’re talking. So this is stuff that you help people do is like kind of get more in touch with their body and their gut and their instinct and intuition to be able to, to then move forward completely.

Understanding and Describing Bodily Sensations

Juliette Karaman [00:10:03]:
Yeah. Really get into, into touch with feeling. We’re feeling emotions with also knowing what’s going on in your mind. What’s, what’s the thought that you have? Perhaps there’s an image. What’s the body sensation really? Giving some language, giving some vocabulary about body situations. Or it’s like, okay, what’s the temperature? Where is it located? How big is it? What’s the quality? Is it expansive? Is it moving?

Is it, is it contracting? People usually don’t know about these things, but if you can, instead of attributing good or bad to sensations, if you can just say, oh, you know, I have a sensation in my chest and it’s warm and it feels slightly tight and it feels a bit jaggedy around the edges. I don’t know what emotion it brings up, but that’s what I’m experiencing in my body. So then you can understand exactly what I’m talking about.

Juliette Karaman [00:11:04]:
But if someone says, oh, I feel a bit anxious, like, how does anxious. What does anxious feel like in your body? For me, it might be tightness in my throat. For someone else, it might be heart palpitations.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:16]:
Yeah, yeah. So I love that you incorporate that into your work. So many people are very disconnected from their bodies and disconnected from what’s happening on the inside. And that really increases the awareness. And so then that. And that’s related to reacting when I’m not aware of what’s happening on the inside, that’s part of what then creates a reaction. And with couples, I’ve. Yeah, with couples, they seem to like, if one reacts, then the other reacts.

Juliette Karaman [00:11:50]:
Oh, yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:51]:
Do you find that in your work? Okay.

Juliette Karaman [00:11:52]:
It’s very difficult to have someone say something to you, quite reactive to, just to let that slide. And that takes a bit of practice. We can’t do it. And a lot of couples I’ve coached can do it now. But it’s like, oh, yeah. It’s like, you never. You always like those two sentences. I’m like, can we scrap them from any communication, please? But also, we communicate with how we stand with our look.

Juliette Karaman [00:12:24]:
Everything in life is a communication. And once we learn how to get rid of the charge, it might be positive, like loving something, or it might be negative, not enjoying something. But once you can get rid of that and once you can neutralize that charge a little bit, then we become much more emotionally intelligent to actually respond instead of react.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:47]:
Yeah. So can you tell us a little bit about how you. How you teach couples to communicate their needs? Because often when it’s like a. You never. I don’t know, you never do the dishes. That’s something like, I. It’s often coming from a. Well, I need a sense of equality in the relationship or I need to know I’m not the only one or.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:10]:
So how do you help people communicate.

Juliette Karaman [00:13:13]:
Their needs for that? You said that. So it really comes from a place of lack. Right. A place that something is missing. And just listen to the different communications that you just made. It’s like you never do the dishes versus I would really love it if you could help me with the dishes when you’re home. Because it has me feel really included in that. You know, we’re both taking care of the house.

Juliette Karaman [00:13:37]:
Same communication. It lands very different. And it’s actually you’re leading with, hey, I want. I. I want more. More affection or I want more communication. More intimacy with you. I want to be more intimate with you.

Juliette Karaman [00:13:56]:
I want to be more joined with you. And that’s the outcome. So. So really think, what’s the outcome? I want to be closer together. I want to love him more, and I want to be with him more. I want our relationship to go well. And then it’s like, how can I get this across? That I can actually ask for what I need, but talk about the typical him, her relationship, but that he also wants to. Because if we’re honest, our men want to please us.

Juliette Karaman [00:14:25]:
They want to do things for us. But not if we throw at him saying, oh, you never do the dishes, or yet it’s your turn to take out the rubbish, the trash, and you haven’t. Why can’t you ever do this? Why can’t you be like Tom, who always does everything for his life?

And if you look at that, you’re already reacting and you’re throwing accusations instead of like, hey, darling, it’s. It’s. Could you remember to do the trash? And I really love it that, you know, that you remember to take the trash out. And it just has me feel, really, that, you know, that you’re part of this family, you’re helping me out, that not everything falls on me. Thank you. And just thanking each other for what we.

Juliette Karaman [00:15:04]:
What we mean to each other and what we do for each other. Right?

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:08]:
Yes. Yeah. That part often goes unsaid. The parts that I appreciate. Yeah.

Juliette Karaman [00:15:16]:
And that’s one of actually the things that I get my couples to do. It’s like, make a list of 10 things that you love about your partner. What are the qualities that you love about your partner? I get them to do it with their kids as well. And then we. I did this with my kids when they’re a bit younger.

And actually, even now, when we get together, we’ll sit at the dinner table, and I’m like, okay, what were three things that were incredible? What were three things that you were grateful for? What was three things that you loved in your day? And they’re like, oh, Mommy, we’re at it again. I’m like, yes, we are. And we’ll go one by one.

Cultivating Positivity in Self and Family

Juliette Karaman [00:15:53]:
They were like, okay, so what’s one quality that you love about yourself and that you’re really proud of? And in the beginning, it’s like, but, Mommy, that’s so vain. But after a while, it’s like, oh, I’m actually really proud of how I handled myself today. There was this man in the supermarket, and he was really rude, and I Just kept my cool and helped him that he was actually.

He wasn’t very able. And then he was nervous. It’s like, great. And then also it’s like, what can you point out about your sister or about your father that you actually really love? And once you train people to see the positive, it’s very difficult to see positive and negative at the same time. And you bring in the positive things.

Juliette Karaman [00:16:39]:
It’s not like you have to be, like, blind and have blinders on to what’s not going well, but the more that you actually, like, really focus on the things that you love about this person and how he might bring you coffee in bed or how. What an incredible parent they are and how they bring the kids and how excited the kids are when he gets home, then you start seeing everything in a bit of different glasses.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:07]:
Yeah, I love the intentionality of that, to be intentional about looking for the positive. And then you mentioned the fight. Fight, Flight, Freeze Fawn earlier. Like, in. In some ways, our brains are primed to look for the negative, that we have to put in extra work to look for the positive things.

Juliette Karaman [00:17:27]:
Completely. And I, you know, I mean, gosh, I’ve been at this for ages, and I still notice that my partner did something the other day, and it was something tiny. Oh, he left. He left his. He has his coffee in the morning, and there’s like, you know, espresso machine and then the swirly mil thing, and he always just leaves the milk thing there. And it’s like every day I wash it up and I clean it up. And can he just do this? I mean, really. And I just.

Juliette Karaman [00:18:00]:
I caught myself. I was like, oh, you know what? I’ve unconsciously been cleaning it up every day because that’s how I’m conditioned. And also my nervous system kind of likes things tidy.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:11]:
Yes.

Juliette Karaman [00:18:12]:
And I know that’s me. That’s my stuff. Right. So instead I left it there for him. And I said, hey, Danny, I love it how you bring me. You bring me tea in the morning and how you make yourself coffee. And I’ve just been noticing that for the last two months, I’ve been cleaning up your coffee cup and your milk every day. So I love it that in the beginning, we had a vision for this house and part of it was cleaning up.

Juliette Karaman [00:18:37]:
So would you mind taking care of that part again? He’s like, oh, yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I’d be leaving it. But it’s such a different communication playing, and I always have to do this and Do I have to do everything myself? Right. Because we could catastrophize.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:54]:
Yeah.

Juliette Karaman [00:18:54]:
Never take care of me.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:57]:
Yeah, I can see the contrast there. The way you did that is, is, I think, a really good example of how do I communicate that I need this or that I want this in the relationship that actually leads it to, like, a positive conversation versus a negative conversation that would then drive more distance or conflict.

Optimal Timing for Effective Communication

Juliette Karaman [00:19:19]:
And there’s yet another point to make because if I’d make this communication when he was like in the middle of a call or really preoccupied with documents, and he’s a lawyer, so he’s very brainy, not landed very well. So I’ve learned how to also ask him, saying, hey, I have communication to. I want to talk to you for about something. I have a communication to make. It’ll take three minutes of your time. Do you have time now or would you like, shall we do it some other time later today? And then he’ll be like, no, I’m okay. Now I’ve got the bandwidth. I’m.

Juliette Karaman [00:19:51]:
I’m okay. I can listen to it. Or he’ll say, listen, what about at 7:00 tonight? Because I’m up to my ears and so ask if they have the bandwidth. Just like if we have five children around us or three children and they’re all screaming at us and then he’s trying to communicate something, it’s like, it’s not really going to land.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:11]:
Yeah.

Juliette Karaman [00:20:11]:
And you’re just like something else on top of all that. I’m already carrying.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:16]:
Yeah. Very overwhelming in that scenario with all of the kids.

Juliette Karaman [00:20:21]:
We’ve all been there and it’s just like, oh, where can I actually. Where can we actually just say, hey, do you have the bandwidth for this? I’d love to connect.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:29]:
Yeah. The way that you’re talking about it, it feels like an invitation. And sometimes when, like, I have this, like, contrast in my mind right now, the invitation versus almost like I’m inflicting my desire to talk right now when you’re not available or you’re not ready, versus the invitation. Can we do this together?

Juliette Karaman [00:20:55]:
Or then there’s the third way. It’s like, we need to talk. And when you get that, it’s like.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:59]:
Oh, okay, everyone gets nervous with that. We need to talk.

Juliette Karaman [00:21:05]:
Right. But these are communication. These are all conversation openers. Right. But you can just tell what happens in your body. Like, where does your body kind of like, open. It’s like, oh, okay, I want to have an open communication. Whereas, like, we need to talk.

Juliette Karaman [00:21:20]:
It’s like, oh, shoulders go down, you kind of hunch over and really start being aware of when you communicate or your partner communicates, what happens to your body.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:32]:
I like that. Yeah, I like that. And so I know when we were kind of like setting up this podcast, there was sort of the story that you had about a couple that you worked with that they were. They were about to divorce. But then in working on communicating differently and not being so reactive, but instead doing more of the awareness of their own emotions and stuff, you were. They were able to turn their relationship around. And I was wondering if you wanted to share more about that story.

Juliette Karaman [00:22:06]:
Yeah. That was just such a gorgeous couple. Yeah. They came to me because I divorced my husband and we are very, very good friends. And actually I’m spending Christmas with him and my kids and my new partner in Lebanon, in Beirut with him. We’re that close. So they had heard about that and they’re like, okay, so we want to consciously uncouple. We don’t want to make fights, you know, we don’t want lawyer bills, but we want this to be done in a proper way.

Reconnect with Your Partner: Tips & Insights

Juliette Karaman [00:22:37]:
And we got to talking and I got to coaching them. And one of the things was, it’s like, well, what. What were the things that had you fall in love with your partner? Can we just spend a bit of time on that? Why did you choose each other? What was it? What was this vision that you had? What were the dreams that you had? And all of a sudden they’re like, they’re communicating again.

They’re really interested in what the other wants because so often we have kids, we have jobs, our partner might be away a lot. My husband used to travel all the time, and then he’d come home and micromanage stuff. He’s like, why is that cup there? And why have you given the kids pasta? And that’s twice a week now. And it’s like. And he didn’t mean to, but it was.

Juliette Karaman [00:23:29]:
Felt very controlling. This is exactly the same kind of thing that happened to that couple. Very high flying, flying gentlemen. And the wife loved him, but it just started becoming not even controlling, but just. They were just living a life together, but not really together because it was all about the kids or the house or where they needed to go, what holiday they need to go on. But it was like they hadn’t left. They hadn’t had any intimate conversations about their dreams, any intimacy, sexual intimacy either. So all of that just thought, like, you know, we might as well just give up and not be together.

Juliette Karaman [00:24:10]:
But when they started being curious about each other, it’s like, I’ve been with this person for 23 years, and I actually didn’t know that they love to fly kites. Why don’t we have a date morning and fly kites? And so they started exploring all this stuff together. And that’s what happens when you explore new things. The brain makes these happy chemicals and all these endorphins kick in, and all of a sudden it’s like, this newness is great. That’s why in the beginning of a relationship, you know, we can’t wait to be with the other person because there’s so many new chemicals that are flooding our system.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:48]:
So.

Rescuing Marriage Through Open Communication

Juliette Karaman [00:24:49]:
So the beauty of it was that they also then learned how to ask for what they wanted. A lot of their issues, I would say, got resolved by actually communicating, by being able to talk. And also, at one point, it wasn’t. It wasn’t important anymore what was wrong in their marriage, because they saw how much they actually enjoyed spending time with the other person, how much they enjoyed starting doing new things together and really coming from the heart.

And their kids noticed, and they’re like, I thought you guys were getting divorced. And they’re like, well, we’re actually really liking each other, so we’re going to go on a holiday together and see if this can actually work out. And they stayed married happily. They’ve also explored how their way into pleasure, which was one of the sticking points because they hadn’t been intimate in ages, sexually intimate.

Juliette Karaman [00:25:45]:
And then all of a sudden, everything blossomed. But it’s. It’s really from the communication, from being curious about the other person, from resolving that charge that, you know, he never does this. Or we kind of. What we do is a bit of accounting. It’s like, but you didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher, but you never do it anyway. And the other day, you’re meant to do the trash. You didn’t take it out.

Juliette Karaman [00:26:13]:
And then when I was picking up the kids or when I went to PTA meeting, you weren’t there. You know, for the last five times, you haven’t done it. And all of a sudden all that stuff comes out. So what we do is we have all of this stuff in us. So there’s a lot of way to get all those emotions out. Emotional release. I’ve taught them all the. I’m an EFT tapper as well.

Juliette Karaman [00:26:35]:
So one of my ways is called Tap and bitch.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:38]:
Yeah, what is that? Emotional freedom technique. Right? Is that what it’s called.

Juliette Karaman [00:26:42]:
Yeah, emotional. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it helps, right? It’s just get rid of the emotions.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:51]:
Yeah, We’ve never talked about that. So can you briefly explain what that is? Because that’s not ever been talked about on the podcast.

Juliette Karaman [00:26:58]:
Great. So, yes, it’s, it’s. You have points on your head and your body meridian points, and when you tap on them, it actually really helps to release emotions. So there’s one on the top of your crown, pretty much middle. Then there’s one on the inside of your, your eyebrow, outside of your eyebrow, under your eye, under your nose, top lip, under your bottom lip, chest point, clavicle, and then under the armpit.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:32]:
Okay.

Tapping Technique for Emotional Healing

Juliette Karaman [00:27:34]:
Yeah. So there’s a whole, there’s a whole study for it and how that actually, how it actually got discovered by, I think, Roger Callahan. I have to look up exactly who it was. But they learned that by tapping on these points and saying, say affirmations or saying things that were bothering them. People would record and like, okay, I’m a 10 out of 10 angry. And then by tapping on these points and saying the things the emotions would move. They take a breath, move it through, and it’s like, whoa, I’m now at a seven. It’s like, okay, let’s do another round.

Juliette Karaman [00:28:13]:
It’s like, oh, I’m now at a five. I’m now at a four. I’m now at a three. So there are so many ways that you can get rid of the emotional charge, and tapping is one of them. I have a few different ways as well. I also use hypnotherapy.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:27]:
Yes. Yeah. Which is really cool. There is actually. It is like, consider it. Like, I didn’t know much about hypnotherapy, and when I first heard about it, I was like, okay, that’s, that’s whack. You know, at first. But actually, at least here in the US we have the American Psychological association, which keeps track of the research for all, all the different types of treatment.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:52]:
And hypnotherapy is an evidence based treatment that in the research it’s proven to work. And I was like, all right, I’ll, I’ll, I’ll get on board.

Juliette Karaman [00:29:01]:
So, yeah, and there are hypnotherapists, and they’re hypnotherapists. Right? So like, like any kind of therapist or any kind of good coach. And that again is like, you know, just this. How I stopped, I used to smoke, and how I stopped smoking is by hypnotherapy. And then for a long time, I Became a hypnotherapist, and I didn’t use it that well. And then recently I’ve. I’ve done some different diplomas and I’m like, oh, those are the little things that make all the difference.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:31]:
Yeah. Yeah. So, so let me try to summarize hearing and, and make sure I’m following. There were a few things that I caught on to. One was communicating, being able to have the emotional awareness instead of reacting. Also being able to calm myself down and be aware of my feelings and then communicating about what I want versus how I see you lacking.

Juliette Karaman [00:29:57]:
Yes.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:58]:
And then there was also this way of do new things to enjoy, enjoy each other again. Because there is oftentimes like a rut. You know, work takes over kids. The focus, I mean, needs to be on the kids. But then oftentimes the relationship, we just get into like a, A, A rut where we’re not learning anything new or doing anything new. And we all do need enjoyable things in our life. A sense of adventure, a way to feel like new things are happening. Did I, did I capture those?

Juliette Karaman [00:30:31]:
You did, and absolutely. And those were date mornings. Usually, I would say once a week, have two hours that you put away your phones, you get babysitters. Their kids were older, but, you know, you don’t talk about work, you don’t talk about about the house, you don’t talk about the problems, you don’t talk about the kids. But it’s really like re getting to know each other, like, wooing each other. Right.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:30:57]:
Courting.

Enhancing Relationships Through Curiosity

Juliette Karaman [00:30:58]:
It’s like, what, you know, yes, I’ve been with you for 23 years or however many years, but what are the things that make you take, Be curious. And at first I had to give very prescribed dates. This is what you’re going to be doing. This is the questions you’re going to be asking, asking each other. And at first it was kind of painful, but after a while, they really started looking forward to that. They’re like, oh, we’re discovering so much about each other. And doing bonding exercises like this really, really helps the brain when it finds new things to do. It’s gorgeous.

Juliette Karaman [00:31:38]:
So don’t just go out to dinner or a movie like you usually do, but really pattern interrupt. Go take a class together. Go, you know, go whatever. Do, do ceramic painting together. It might not be your thing. Class together. And it’s just like, oh, they started having so much fun and all the people around them, it’s like, are you really getting along with each other again? It’s like, yeah, because we’re creating all these new memories together.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:09]:
Yeah. So different than, like, we go to dinner once a week, you know, very like, to. To have new things that we’re doing together helps create that meet more meaningful experience together completely.

Juliette Karaman [00:32:24]:
It doesn’t need to be massively expensive either. But instead of going to dinner, why don’t you try and have a picnic? Can go to a different place we’ve never been to before.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:35]:
Yeah, yeah. Or fly a kite. Like. Like you’re one couple.

Juliette Karaman [00:32:39]:
Yeah. Or I think someone else went wild water rafting and that. Don’t do those things.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:46]:
Yes. Yeah, yeah. So, so fun. That part sounds really fun to me. Like, going on these new adventures with my partner.

Juliette Karaman [00:32:56]:
And one way of doing that is making a list, each of you saying what were 10 things that we loved to do as a kid and then exchange them at one point, like, come together. It’s like, oh, my God, you love that. That’s really fun. Let’s try that. Shall we Google and see if anything’s near us that we can do this?

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:16]:
Yeah, I like that idea. I’m probably going to have to think about that. Like, what were the things that I liked doing as a kid and can I find a way to do them with my husband?

Juliette Karaman [00:33:26]:
Yeah. And it’s also a great way to find out about him because that you didn’t. Might have not known him as a kid. And we have grown up and we’ve kind of, like become very responsible and sometimes it’s just so fun to do, like, kitty things.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:42]:
Yes. Yeah. And to have fun. Just to have fun.

Juliette Karaman [00:33:45]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:47]:
Yeah. We all kind of do lose that growing up, don’t we?

Juliette Karaman [00:33:49]:
Take the pressure off.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:52]:
That’s it.

Juliette Karaman [00:33:53]:
Just take the pressure off of having to do something, having to be a certain outcome. It’s like, okay, we’re just going to go for a drive and we have no idea where we’re going, but, you know, put a time. Time period on it, saying, okay, we’re going to take one hour. Let’s just point the car one way and just see where we get to. Are you cool with that?

Adventure Ideas for Military Couples

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:34:11]:
Do an adventure together. I like that. So I’m thinking about military couples because that’s the, you know, what this podcast is geared towards. And I was trying to think, like, how do these ideas work for military couples? Of course, the, you know, being emotionally aware and not reacting, that is relevant for all couples. But I was also thinking, you know, so often the service member is traveling or is deployed, they’re gone for a long period of time, and There is sort of a sense of, do I still.

Do I still know you? How have you changed in that time that we were apart? And I like your idea of these let’s go do fun things as almost like a way to re. Get to know each other when someone’s come back. I don’t know if you.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:35:07]:
Have you done coaching with military couples before?

Juliette Karaman [00:35:11]:
I haven’t done coaching military couples, but I have a lot of friends that used to be in the military, so I would notice it from firsthand. And plus, I moved around quite a bit, so. Yeah, you have. First of all, you’re moving, so you’re getting to know new schools, new people, new everything. So you don’t have your base friends and family around. Then the husband or the wife or whoever it is is traveling a lot. So everything falls to the one parent often and then the other person coming back. So it’s like re entry point a bit.

Juliette Karaman [00:35:44]:
So there’s a lot of. A lot of moving parts.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:35:48]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Juliette Karaman [00:35:50]:
But now with video calling and with text, it’s a beautiful way to consciously carve out some time saying, hey, can we have 15 minutes after we put the kids to bed and can we do a communication exercise? And then one of the things would be, tell me what you love about our relationship and just have that same prompt. Go and do that five times and say, tell me what? What would you want me to know about you? Something that I don’t know.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:36:20]:
I love those questions, but all these things.

Juliette Karaman [00:36:23]:
And if you do that front and back, you just get so much closer because oftentimes it’s like, we don’t have much time. It’s like, oh, the kids are impossible. And they’re this. And like, I’ve had so much work. And then you come back together and you’re already stressed, but having these little. Little moments of connection.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:36:44]:
Yes.

Juliette Karaman [00:36:44]:
And also texting each other saying, hey, I’m so grateful for you, because whatever it is. And it has me feel a certain way. Right. It’s like showing gratitude, knowing what you love about the qualities that you love about your partner and then appreciating it and saying it to him, saying, hey, I love it that you make time to see the kids on video every night, because I see how thrilled they are with it, and it really has us feel. Has me feel like we’re family when you’re away.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:37:17]:
Yeah, I love that. That goes back to the intentionality of looking for the positive and sharing the positive. And not, like, even with my own husband, I find, like, sometimes we end up getting into this venting. Like, let me tell you all the things I didn’t like about my day versus here’s the positive.

Juliette Karaman [00:37:35]:
It’s a good thing to say, but that’s also very good to ask permission first. It’s like, hey, I need to vent. I need to vent for three. Three minutes. I don’t need you to fix me because, you know.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:37:46]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Juliette Karaman [00:37:47]:
I said I don’t even need your full attention. But are you okay if I just vent about what happened and then, you know, once I’m done, that’s it, you know, I don’t. I don’t need any actually words from you. Oh, okay. Cool.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:38:02]:
Yeah.

Juliette Karaman [00:38:03]:
And put a time limit on it.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:38:05]:
Yeah, that’s probably good too. So I think we’ve covered, like, so many really wonderful things for couples who might be listening to this episode, things that they can try at home. I’m wondering if there are any sort of, like, last thoughts or words of advice you have for couples who might be listening to this podcast.

“Quick Mindfulness: Breathing and Awareness”

Juliette Karaman [00:38:26]:
I would say for each of them, set a timer for 90 seconds twice or three times a day and really take that, because three times 90 seconds, everyone can miss that and take that time for you. Take a breath, slow down. Take a breath through your nose, exhale through your mouth, and then focus on one part of your body and realize what’s happening. Is there tightness? What’s the temperature? Is it moving? Is it static? What’s happening there? Then notice, are there any thoughts that are coming up?

Then allow yourself to think that thought is there an emotion that’s coupled might be some sadness. And just allow yourself to feel the sadness. There might be an image that comes up. Then once you’ve gone through that round, what else is coming up? Then there might be some more content because we’re so busy in our heads. And this is how you clear the head.

Juliette Karaman [00:39:30]:
This is how you clear the content that’s going on in your mind and in your psyche. If you do that twice or three times a day, you just become much more present in the moment.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:39:42]:
Yeah. And it builds that emotional awareness to then hopefully be able to be intentional about how you communicate versus the reaction.

Juliette Karaman [00:39:53]:
It builds both emotional and somatic awareness. Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:39:56]:
Yeah.

Juliette Karaman [00:39:57]:
It’s a really good tool.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:39:59]:
Yeah. Great.

Juliette Karaman [00:40:00]:
And it’s also super simple. And it’s like we all have 90 seconds or 60 seconds, whatever.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:07]:
Thank you so much for being on the podcast. I’m thinking, you know, there are. There are certainly people who do not want to work with a therapist. They’d rather work with a coach. How could people contact you or work with you? Can you tell us a little bit about that?

Juliette Karaman [00:40:23]:
Yeah, absolutely. So my website is called feelfullyyou.com and through that there are some group programs that I run. I’ve done a lot of VIP coaching, but I’m actually going to do less of that. There are some groups programs. There is Scrumptious Communication which I’m holding and that’s going to be a course that you can just take it to your own time. There are some other courses that I’ve done with my business partner about feeling and actually tapping into emotions. 21 day course. So there are lots of little courses.

Juliette Karaman [00:41:01]:
There are meditations for free. So you can just go into my website and have a look at that or follow me on Instagram julietcaraman or on Facebook julietcaraman.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:13]:
I’ll be including links to everything you just said in the show notes to make it easy for people to go find you.

Juliette Karaman [00:41:19]:
Perfect.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:20]:
Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being on the podcast.

Juliette Karaman [00:41:23]:
Thank you for having me.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:36]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are making be having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.