The Importance of Identity in Marriage with LaQuita Monley

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Episode Summary of “The Importance of Identity in Marriage with LaQuita Monley”

In this episode of the Communicate and Connect Podcast, we delve deep into the crucial role of identity in marriage, especially within military families with LaQuita Monley. LaQuita, renowned as a retired army wife and a distinguished certified speaker, coach, and trainer with the John Maxwell team, offers a treasure trove of wisdom on how developing a strong sense of self can significantly impact marital dynamics and enhance resilience.

Throughout this episode, LaQuita shares her journey as a military spouse and how it shaped her understanding of identity. We explore the intricacies of how knowing your core values and having a clear, consistent sense of who you are can serve as a grounding force amidst the inevitable changes and challenges of military life. Using her expertise with the Maxwell method of DISC assessment, LaQuita unveils how personality assessments can be potent tools for self-discovery and relationship enhancement.

Join us on this episode as we uncover practical strategies for establishing and nurturing your identity in a marriage, fostering better communication, and strengthening connections, particularly in the military community. Whether you are a military spouse, part of a military family, or simply interested in personal growth and relationship development, this episode is packed with actionable insights and valuable takeaways.

Guest Speaker Bio – “LaQuita Monley”

LaQuita Monley is a proud retired army wife and a devoted mother to five adult children. Her journey in life has been deeply influenced by her understanding of identity, a topic she is passionate about. Now, as a grandmother to six delightful grandchildren, LaQuita cherishes her growing family, having recently welcomed a new addition through her middle son’s engagement. Her diverse life experiences underscore her conversations, as she continues to explore the profound impact of identity on all aspects of life.

Check out her website here.

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Episode Transcript for “The Importance of Identity in Marriage with LaQuita Monley”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:01]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for Milit Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast. And if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:05]:
Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect podcast. This is episode 35 on the importance of Identity in Marriage with Laquita Munley. So, Laquita, I’m so excited to have you on the podcast. I know that you were a military spouse for such a long time, and I’m really excited for things that we’re going to talk about both with identity and like how you went about developing sort of your own identity as a military spouse and everything related to that. But maybe you could just start with kind of introducing yourself, who you are, what you do that type of stuff for, for our listeners.

LaQuita Monley [00:01:57]:
Sure. Thanks so much. I’m just excited to be here. Liz, this is, this is going to be a great conversation because what I’ve learned over my time period, short time period on the earth is everything we do in life hinges on our identity. So I’m really excited about this topic. But as for me, the way that I like to introduce myself to people is this, that I am a proud retired army wife, mother of five adult children, and now grandmother of six amazing little people. My middle son, he and his fiance just had a new baby. So now we’ve added one more to the bunch and we have six.

LaQuita Monley [00:02:39]:
You know, and those, those roles that I’ve, I’ve had to been blessed to be able to occupy as wife, mom, and now grandmother. I know now that they have laid the foundation that causes me to be effective in my roles as a minister as well as a certified speaker, coach, training facilitator with the John Maxwell team. So it just as it relates to identity, that that foundation, understanding the roles that I play and how they are connected to who I am is very important.

So that’s why I like to lead off with that. I am and I do the retired army wife part, because my military community is very, very precious to me, especially my army community, because we have some challenges that other individuals don’t have, especially as it relates to knowing who we are and where we fit, you know, or should I say where we can stand out at.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:40]:
I’m so interested to, like, deep dive into all of this. I think. I think we probably have to start with, like, what. What is identity? And even starting at that level. So that way we can kind of build up to how these different roles have informed your identity and things like that. But how. How would you. How do you typically talk to people about what identity is and.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:08]:
And like, why it’s important?

LaQuita Monley [00:04:09]:
I typically. So to get to. As an icebreaker, to get into that conversation, those questions I usually crafted based off of the assessment results. All of my clients. I work with my clients based off of their results from their disc assessments. And because each person’s personality is different, that gives me the time that I need to come up with the questions because a lot of people don’t really realize that they have no idea what their identity is. And they think it. They think it’s the roles that we play or the positions that we have when the identity starts at the very core of who you are.

LaQuita Monley [00:04:53]:
So, you know, one of the. My leading questions is, can that person explain to me what their core values are?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:59]:
Oh, I love that.

Core Values as Identity Icebreakers

LaQuita Monley [00:05:01]:
And most of the time I get that pause, because if you can give me your core values, even if you haven’t fully mapped out who you are, you at least are on a good path going through that exercise with them. It makes it easier. So that’s the icebreaker. And it doesn’t it.

I found that the person feels less attacked because if I just come straight out and say, well, who are you? Depending on where they are in their life, they can feel a bit attacked and shut down. And it makes the session not productive. And definitely they may not come back for another session, you know, so. And I also like to give them, like, a working definition of identity.

LaQuita Monley [00:05:47]:
When they said, okay, like, if they go to telling me things that they like, then I bring it back and say, okay, well, here let me give you a definition of the word identity. Identity is the fact of being who or what a person or thing is. So depending on what object I have close to me, we understand that a pair of scissors are scissors. Scissors are used to cut things. Yes, that’s what they do. But when you look at yourself or when someone looks at you, who do they say that you Are, you know, do you have that understanding, if that makes sense?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:28]:
Yeah, I just. I almost have, like, goosebumps. Like, I kind of. I really am digging this conversation right now because. So what I’m. What I’m hearing you say, if I were to try to summarize it, is that identity is who we are, and it’s a little bit more stable. It’s who we are at our core. And that involves things like our personality or our core values.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:55]:
Yes, it’s very different than a role because I could be a role, could be a student, a wife, a daughter, a parent, but these change over time. And my identity is who I am that is consistent across time, even though I change these different roles.

LaQuita Monley [00:07:18]:
Absolutely. Absolutely. Because here’s the other part that we do eventually get to in the session is where we are when we discover our identity. Because as humans, we’re continually. We are designed to continually grow and stretch and mature. Like you said, those roles will change. Even how I approach different things will change. But at my core, I’m the same.

LaQuita Monley [00:07:46]:
At my core, if we’re looking at. And now it is escaping me, the name of the diagram. But it’s like, you know, your outward self, you know, who people perceive you to be, the person that you truly are, and then the person that you think people see you as. Right. But that core of who you really are. No matter how much personal growth and development that we do, and personal growth and development is fundamental, we only change a little bit from that model of the core of who we are. Those other. The other two change a lot.

Personal Growth and DISC Assessment Journey

LaQuita Monley [00:08:25]:
And they will change consistently. They will make drastic changes when we don’t really understand who we are as an individual. So, yes, as I grow, as I get older, you know, different aspects of my life will change. How I perceive the world will change, how I respond to the world will change.

But it’s still based off of the core of who I am. And now it’s our personal responsibility to take on that personal growth journey to discover those things. And I like to lead my clients through that journey by starting them out with. Because I am a part of the John Maxwell team, I have the ability to give them the Maxwell method of disc assessment.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:14]:
Okay.

LaQuita Monley [00:09:15]:
And to start out with that assessment, and let’s build and let’s grow from there. Because, you know, depending on what assessments they’ve taken in the past, it could be called, you know, are you sanguine? Are you phlegmatic? Are you. You know, what are all of these things? But most importantly, what does that mean?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:32]:
Yeah, so I, I’m actually not familiar with the John Maxwell thing that you do. Could you describe it briefly for, for other people who might be listening, like me, and don’t really know what you’re referring to?

LaQuita Monley [00:09:45]:
Yes, yes. So no, no, no worries. Disc. Most people, well, some people will understand what a disc assessment is. The Maxwell method of disc is just been tweaked a bit to fit his leadership model.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:01]:
Okay.

LaQuita Monley [00:10:02]:
But at the core of it, the disc does the same thing. So you have that dominant personality which is the D model. You have the eye and I am a high eye. And that eye is, it’s influencing. That’s your overly charismatic, chatty people, the dominant individual. I don’t really like that they use the word dominant because depending on a person’s experience, that could be very negative when that’s not really what it is. That dominant individual is the person who just readily accepts leadership. And they are very strict, very structured.

LaQuita Monley [00:10:41]:
They could get the job done. In crises. They rise to the occasion because they have that ability to compartmentalize and respond without the emotion in order to bring a crisis situation and to de. Escalate it. So you want to have that person on your team. You want to have an aspect of that. I just don’t like the, the term dominant. So then you have your, your S personality, which, they’re stable, they’re steady, they’re a team player, they’re that individual that again, they, they bring that steadiness to the organization or to the relationship where they love systems.

LaQuita Monley [00:11:21]:
Everything has got to go in its proper place and it’s got to make sense. And they, they love systems. And if there are no systems, they can create the systems to make everything run like a Singlish sewing machine. And then you have the C personality. The C personality trait is a really good combination of, to me, of the S and the D. Because with that C personality trait, they want everything correct.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:48]:
Okay.

Optimizing Communication Through Personality Types

LaQuita Monley [00:11:49]:
So, okay. And a person can be a combination of any of them, but in that, in that, based on the answers that the client gives, we get a clearer picture of where they fit in that model. As we have that clear picture of where they fit in that model, we understand their communication style, how they like to receive communication, how they give communication.

We also have an understanding of the types of individuals who they more easily naturally gravitate to versus the types of individuals that kind of rub them wrong, if you can say that. And it also gives us a way to help them to understand how to properly communicate with the other personality traits, especially the ones who they don’t just naturally gravitate to.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:40]:
So DISC is this personality assessment that you use as a tool in your. In your coaching to help people discover and learn about their sort of the core of who they are and develop their sense of identity. And then to be able to use that in a variety of settings, whether that’s understanding themselves and their partner better or understanding how they function in a work role or a leadership type of role based on.

LaQuita Monley [00:13:09]:
Absolutely.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:10]:
This identification of these aspects of their core identity.

LaQuita Monley [00:13:15]:
Absolutely. And you said something really key there. We use this. So my husband and I are also preparing enrich certified facilitators. And we do.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:28]:
And you know, it’s a marital program, right? Like, because. No. Who’s listening? So prepare and Rich is a premarital program.

LaQuita Monley [00:13:38]:
It is. It’s a premarital program. And what we found, we were introduced to the program actually, with our work with the chapel. And you can use it as a premarital assessment, but you can also use it post marital as well, because they use scope as a way to, you know, dig into the personality of the partners of the husband and the wife.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:01]:
Test. They’re like relationship assessment test. They use as part of the program.

LaQuita Monley [00:14:07]:
Okay, that’s part of the program. And we. We found that by using that combination together with disc and scope, it gives the couple a very clear map of who they are individually and who they are as a couple. And the work that we can do, like, based off of those things.

Because with the disc, you get three graphs, okay. And the center graph really lets you know who you are at your core, the aspects of you that are solidified, that they are what they are. The. The other two graphs show you where you can work, you know, how you think people perceive you versus how they actually perceive you and then who you really are.

Personal Growth Insights for Military Community

LaQuita Monley [00:14:52]:
And we’re able to then get a really good foundation set on personal growth and development based on the client’s needs, based on what they say they want to achieve. Here’s a sure picture of who you are. And these are some of the aspects that may or may not be causing conflict in your marriage, in your workplace, or even that inner turmoil and conflict when you’re saying, I cannot figure out why I’m like this, and why do I respond like this? But, you know, because that’s real thing.

That’s a real question that people have. And until you have had that work or do that work in a guided setting, it’s really. It’s really, really difficult especially. And again, I do have favoritism to my military community, especially with us within the military community, because our life is so transitional.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:49]:
Yeah. Which is why I think this is such an important conversation. Because if I don’t have a sense of who I am and what my identity is, then I can easily sort of be consumed in my role, my role as a spouse and, like, lacking my individual identity, just in my role as a spouse or a parent that comes up.

But also then in my role as a military spouse who really has no say over. Are we going to move. What’s very little say over my career and how that progresses, the moves, or even just like, the honeymoon, like, for us. For us. We had to cancel our honeymoon because of COVID We.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:41]:
We got married and we delayed the honeymoon, and we were gonna do it like, the next year. And then Covid happened. Right. And that. And then he was supposed to deploy, like, three times, and each of those three times got canceled last minute. And then. And then now he’s deployed right before we move. Right.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:00]:
And so there’s just. There’s the constant. Yeah, the constant change and the, like, you make a plan and it doesn’t.

LaQuita Monley [00:17:09]:
It doesn’t. Yeah. It’s like, you know, I was having. Well, this conversation, and I was actually. How do you do it? Resiliency is the key. And it’s not something that. Let me say that you can be taught how resiliency works, but resiliency is like going to the gym. I could be taught how to properly lift a weight, but until I lift that weight, I have no idea what my personal response is going to be, how my body is going to respond.

Military Spouse Resilience Challenges

LaQuita Monley [00:17:45]:
And as military spouses, our life is dependent upon our level of resiliency. And depending on how you look at it, fortunately or unfortunately, you can never truly be really prepared for that until you get in those situations. Like what? Like what you were saying. How do you bounce back from having no control? Absolutely no control.

And here’s the thing that we tend to learn as we go would depending on what your husband or wife’s rank is, when you marry, the thought is always, it’ll get better the more rank that they get. And it’s not until you achieve that next rank or that different position where they are sitting in a different level of authority, that you realize it really didn’t get better. It really didn’t get better. There was another layer of, let me say, Tom foolery attached to that.

LaQuita Monley [00:18:42]:
But now I’ve got to figure out how to work in this. And, oh, yeah, by the way, I can’t Remember the last time we got to celebrate an anniversary or. Oh, yeah, by the way, when was the last time that we were both together to celebrate a birthday? Whether it was our birthdays or our children’s birthdays and your honeymoon. Right. Like, when was the last time we had an actual romantic vacation that we got to do? And then the last minute change, you know, on the outside, your family’s like, oh, that’s so great. He doesn’t have to go. Yeah, he doesn’t have to go. But I can’t get my refund.

LaQuita Monley [00:19:20]:
I can’t go. There’s nothing to do. And I’m so angry right now. And I don’t know. And I’m going to yell at him more than likely, but then there’s nothing he could have done.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:30]:
Yeah.

LaQuita Monley [00:19:31]:
So what do I do? I just sit in these emotions, and that’s not easy.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:36]:
You mentioned resiliency, and I was thinking that, like, I. Identity, I think, must be part of resiliency. Like, develop a sense of my own identity.

LaQuita Monley [00:19:49]:
You were absolutely correct. When you know who you are, when you’re solid in your identity, it becomes easier to be resilient. And not just resilient in. I’m. I know how to check the boxes because that’s robotic, but resilient in. I understand that that blow came. I’m going to process it, and then I’m going to respond. The goal is not to respond out of my emotions, but if I need to yell, kick and scream, please feel free and do that.

LaQuita Monley [00:20:27]:
Like, get that off your chest. Don’t hold on to it. But it doesn’t attack me as a person. I understand this is situational and it’s not personal, and that. That allows me the space to respond in a better way because, okay, Laquita, this happened. Now, is that going to change some plans that you have? Yes. So now let me look for the silver lining and let’s respond based on that. You know, what can we do right now in this situation? You know it.

Navigating Unexpected Life Changes

LaQuita Monley [00:21:01]:
How can we move forward? How can we make this particular unplanned situation benefit our family? Or how can I make it benefit what I planned out for myself as an individual? Because the fact of the matter is sometimes those deployments or field exercises, exercises that came right on time, like it was just before. I was really angry enough at you not to talk to you for the next five months, and I needed that time out.

Now you’re here in my space, and now how do I process this? Because you’re still in my space. Like, it’s not always. It’s the layers that when I understand who I am, I can process. It gives me more space to process and not act out of my emotions and have my own set of responsibilities is not quite the word, but Laquita is Laquita. So whether being deploys or not deploys, I’m solid in who I am and my life can still continue to move forward. I’ll make the adjustment and I can still move forward.

LaQuita Monley [00:22:03]:
Even making the. The biggest adjustment is in my mental, like at that mindset shift. I can make that adjustment. Yes. I had already done all of the mental work to prepare that you’re gone. And now you’re telling me I got to do that mental work again for when you actually leave. But when I am solid in who I am, then I’ve cultivated great support systems around me to help me through that. When I’m solid in who I am, I’ve helped to set up those same support systems for my children.

LaQuita Monley [00:22:31]:
When I’m solid in who I am, I’m able to see clearly that this ship has also impacted my husband the way that it impacted me.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:41]:
Yeah.

LaQuita Monley [00:22:42]:
So now how can we be there to support each other? Because just like I didn’t want him to leave, he did not want to leave. So now he’s got to reprocess all over again. I’ve gotta leave. So he actually would have preferred to just have left on that date instead of having to be back here with the kids longer and have to reprocess that now I’ve got to leave again. Okay.

They’re telling me you’re going to leave in two months. But now I’ve got two months here with my family and I got to reprocess again that I got to leave for two months. And though we planned that he was going to be back by X date and time, now we’ve got to replant that like that emotional roller coaster.

LaQuita Monley [00:23:25]:
He experiences it too. He just doesn’t always get the luxury of expressing it the way that I do.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:32]:
Yeah. And I guess, like as you’re talking about it and I’m like trying to run it through my. My brain and my own emotional system, it feels like almost like if I know my identity and I have this sense of who I am at the core, then I’m in a very grounded space.

I can not be like, thrown around by the chaos of military life as much because I have this strong sense of who I am and how I like to cope in the world, what my values are, how I’m going to respond to things in life. And that keeps. Yeah, I guess keeps me grounded when all of the chaos happens.

LaQuita Monley [00:24:21]:
Exactly. Exactly. That. My identity is my grounder.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:26]:
Yeah.

“Mature Responses to Life’s Chaos”

LaQuita Monley [00:24:26]:
It keeps me anchored because the chaos is going to happen. We cannot prevent the chaos from happening. What we can do, as we’re building and growing and developing, we can change how we respond to the chaos. And the example that I like to give my clients is this.

Those of us that cook, or even if you don’t cook, you understand that a grease fire should not be put out with water, but we should smother that thing. As we’re getting solid in who we are and we have more mature responses for those situations we have no control over, those more mature responses will cause that fire to be extinguished instead of blowing up into the fire that burns down my entire kitchen or my house, you know, my. I might burn up that pot for sure. Might even have to replace the eye where the fire started.

LaQuita Monley [00:25:27]:
But you can respond. Your response determines, is this just going to be a little bit or a lot? And yes, we were. We acknowledge that this thing is happening to you through no fault or your own. And yes, this thing is happening to you and the unit, the squadron or whatever has absolutely no regard for your family situation.

I mean, they might in their hearts, but the mission is the mission and it has to happen, and nobody’s going to change it based off of your family situation. Is that wrong? Is that, you know, not right? Unfair? Absolutely. We acknowledge that. But now how are you going to respond? We are responsible for our responsibility response because that’s the bit that we can.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:16]:
Control, which it sounds like you’re saying that starts with having a really deep understanding of who I am at the core.

LaQuita Monley [00:26:25]:
Absolutely. When you have a really deep understanding of who you are at the core, that gives you an inner strength. So whether it’s been female spouses that we’ve worked with or had the pleasure to meet or male spouses that we’ve worked with and had the pleasure to meet, the. When we don’t understand who we are, we tend to gravitate to the identity of what branch of the military we’re in, our volunteer position or our significant others rank and. Or. Or our children.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:58]:
Right. I’m a parent or I’m a wife versus this is who I am at the core of my being.

LaQuita Monley [00:27:04]:
Exactly. Exactly. And that. Because you don’t have that identity, when something or someone is picking at those aspects of you, it. It sends you to a really bad space emotionally, because, yeah, I AM My husband’s Lt. Col. Whoever. But you’re in the same situation as private whoever spouse.

LaQuita Monley [00:27:31]:
The situations are no different. But if you are associating your identity with that, your significant other’s rank, then you feel that those are some exceptions that should be made. Because my husband is lieutenant colonel or colonel or major or whoever. Right. Or you’re saying, well, I’m just being beat up on because my husband is just a private. No, it’s not. They’re all in the unit and they all have a mission. So when you know who you are, you don’t take those things personally in that way and you don’t wear them.

LaQuita Monley [00:28:01]:
I’m not saying don’t wear your spouse’s accomplishments as a badge of honor. I think my husband was the best non commissioned officer the army ever had. But that doesn’t define Laquita. That defines being. I think my children are the best children ever been born. But that does not define Laquita. That defines Dario, Devonta, Denise, David and Marquez. Those are their accomplishments.

LaQuita Monley [00:28:25]:
These are the things that they’ve done. I’m proud to be their mother. I’m proud to be his wife. But when things are happening to us because of being military service, if Laquita didn’t understand who Laquita was, Laquita would have cracked up. You know, Laquita would not have been able to be there as an anchor of stability for my family.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:49]:
And that’s the part where it’s really important for, for the marriage and for the family unit is because if I know who I am at my core and I can stay grounded through all of these changes and the roller coaster and everything, then it also improves my ability to be there for my spouse and my family. For them to be able to rely on me. I might even argue that it helps me rely on other people more effectively if I have a sense of who I am.

“Army Group Success Through Boundaries”

LaQuita Monley [00:29:25]:
Yes. Because when you. So over the years, I’ve been blessed to be a part of various family readiness groups, or what we call them in the army, depending. And some of the groups have been great, some of the groups have not been great. One of the things that I noticed is the ladies and gentlemen who were a part, part of those groups that have a strong identity and a strong sense of self. They had boundaries. They had boundaries and their boundaries were non negotiable. And their response to the bad things that happened was different.

LaQuita Monley [00:30:08]:
They were the more stable, steady individuals in the group that you can rely on for the good advice, for the to de escalate A situation. I’ll give you an example. So it was doing this deployment and I. He was a senior non commissioned officer on this deployment. And so we were working with getting some boxes ready to send down range. And this was OIF1. We were working to send some boxes downrange. And one of the young ladies in the.

LaQuita Monley [00:30:42]:
In the family readiness group, she did have a really serious situation that happened, but it wasn’t serious enough to warrant a Red Cross call to come back. So there were ladies in the group who, instead of offering that steady, stable encouragement that it’s going to be all right, what can we do to support. How can we do this? The conversation was just amplifying the problem and talking about how unfair it was. We got. We all get that. We all get that it’s unfair. But let’s come up with a resolution. This is happening.

LaQuita Monley [00:31:18]:
We can’t stop it. But what can we do to support the spouse as well as support the service member? Because he’s very aware of this situation now and he feels helpless. There’s nothing he can do to change it. So we. When you are solid in your identity and you’re able to provide that steady, stable support, that is not reinforcing the negativity that’s going on. That’s what we need to have in our groups. But unfortunately, when you don’t have that identity and you rise to the places of position within the spouse organizations that cultivates toxic environments.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:00]:
Yeah. So then there’s this community, the way that you can also sort of be of service to the larger military and military spouse community by having a strong sense of your own identity that you can stay grounded in. Because the risk is if you don’t have that and kind of adversity and trials come, you might emotionally collapse or. And not really be able to support someone else who is not as grounded in that moment.

Intentions vs. Impact: Support Challenges

LaQuita Monley [00:32:31]:
Exactly. Because no one had bad intentions. But all of the ladies who were not actually intentions, their intention was to provide support from, you know, we’re here for you. But just because their heart was in the right place, they didn’t understand that what you’re doing is not helping. Yeah, what can we do? And so we have to. And that’s because, again, their identities have been wrapped up in who their husband is, what their husband does. You know what my volunteer aspect is here in the frg, those are good things. Those do encompass the roles that we play.

LaQuita Monley [00:33:14]:
But however, whether your spouse deploys or not, whether you’re able to get any positions on the FRG and Responsibilities. If we took all of that away from you, who are you?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:29]:
Yeah.

Discovering Purpose in Volunteerism

LaQuita Monley [00:33:30]:
When you understand who you are, then you can answer that question. Why am I so adamant about the volunteerism that I’m doing with the frq? What is my goal? Like, why am I doing it? What is my goal? What do I want to accomplish? What is my give back to my military community? What does my give back to the unit, the squadron, you know, whatever level you are in the FRG system or, you know, depending on your branch, whatever your branches version.

And I probably should have explained FRG Family Readiness Group. So depending on your branch is going to be called different things. So, you know, why are you doing that? Are you doing it because you’re bored? Are you doing it because this is the way you get your sense of self? Okay. If you’re saying I’m doing it because this is the way I get my sense of self, how is that fulfilling you? You know, are you so consumed in that that if I take that away, will you fall apart?

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:34:28]:
Right. And if you have a strong sense of who you are, you won’t fall apart. Do you have tips for people listening on how would they go about, you know, developing their sense of identity and knowing and discovering who they are at their core?

LaQuita Monley [00:34:46]:
I do. I do. So what I would. My first advice with those that are. That are listening when you’re. For me, it happened with a trigger moment. And honestly, most people, that’s where it starts. Unless you have a strong sense of self from a young person, I would highly advise them to either start their journey working with a coach or start their journey working with a clinician.

LaQuita Monley [00:35:17]:
Whether it’s a marriage and family therapist, if you’re married, a licensed clinical social worker, that’s, you know, counseling or, you know, a psychologist or something. Start your work then so that you can get a foundation. Because when you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what questions to ask in order to start that journey. But when you’re partnered with someone who is open, they have no biases, they can help you to craft out those questions.

And as you going through answering those relevant questions that you’re given in those sessions, you really do do the work. That person that’s partnering with you, whether it’s your coach or your therapist, they’re there to help you see what you can’t see by asking you the questions and allowing you to give the proper responses and having those aha moments. So that’s. That’s really my biggest piece of advice.

LaQuita Monley [00:36:17]:
When people ask me that question, like what are the tips? What are some of the things that I’m doing? Well, however old you are when you’re having this conversation with me, we haven’t had that self discovery moment on our own and we probably won’t. So for me I, I feel that it’s safest for someone to start that journey, partner with an individual who is not biased and that can help them walk through that journey by helping them craft out the right questions to ask themselves and to ponder on.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:36:48]:
Yeah, yeah, I like that. And if I could just like tie in the pieces that you had previously. It sounds like also like these tests that are about your personality might be another step that you could do when you’re working with somebody to help identify pieces of this like you mentioned disc.

LaQuita Monley [00:37:12]:
And scope test online and that’s good and they’ll give you some results but without someone there that actually knows how to read the results and how to help you take the results that you have and begin to develop a plan, you kind of just know, but you don’t know the depth of what you’re looking at and how to use it to help you.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:37:37]:
Yeah, they have to be used in conjunction with somebody who is able to use the tool with you. Yeah, okay.

LaQuita Monley [00:37:50]:
Exactly, exactly. And the having that, that unbiased party is for me it’s, it’s, it’s really necessary. That person challenges you to look at aspects of yourself that sometimes we don’t want to address. You know, like that the saying that time heals all wounds. That’s not true.

Just because I haven’t chosen to confront something that heart that traumatized me or I didn’t understand or I didn’t like and I move forward. Yeah, you move forward in every other aspect of your life except for that one. And that space could be the space that you need to heal and deal with in order to truly understand who you are or why you are the way that you are.

LaQuita Monley [00:38:37]:
If I could say it like that.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:38:39]:
Yes. Yeah. Sort of like we all have blocks to self awareness and so then I can’t. If I’m blocked in being able to see something about myself, I’m not going to be able to really find it on my own. This is where working with a coach or a therapist or somebody who can, who might be able to see the block or ask the questions to allow the two of you to look at this block to your self awareness together. That’s kind of what you’re talking about, Laquita.

Coaching vs. Therapy: Know the Boundaries

LaQuita Monley [00:39:12]:
Absolutely. That is the sweet spot. And you Know what I share with my clients when we get to that space is this is the thing. As a coach, I’m not a qualified clinician. So when we find that block, if we touch that block and it’s tender to the point where you snatch it back, then that means you need therapy.

But if we touch that spot, it is just a little irritation, then I can work with you because some healing. Because when you have a wound that has a scab, it’s an irritation to it, but you can still move on through that. Yeah, you’ll still, you’ll still press forward, but if it’s still raw and open, you might need to seek a little medical attention for that.

LaQuita Monley [00:39:59]:
And so that’s where the, the work of a coach differs from that of a clinician. And so if you, I have to refer you out, like, ethically, I have to refer you to someone that can help you. Because yes, as a coach and a therapist, can we work in conjunction? We can, but what I found is when people need that therapy, my work as a coach is just taking their money. Because until they work with you, what I do is just a cover up.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:31]:
Yeah. It’s like if the wound only needs a bandaid, coaching is great. But if you need like stitches or something, then for your heart. Right. These are like heart wounds. If my heart is so painful that I need stitches or something like that, that’s more in the therapy realm. But if it’s not that, so it’s not that painful, the injury is not that big, then coaching is a great option. Yeah.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:59]:
So speaking of that, how could people find you and work with you if they wanted to?

LaQuita Monley [00:41:05]:
So thanks so much for asking. People can go out to my website, which is laquitamonley.com and fill out the contact me form. And it takes you about three business days unless it’s over the weekend. You can also reach me on social media and I’m on LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, all under Laquita Momley.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:34]:
Great. So we have your website and people can fill out the contact form. You’ll get back to them in three days, but not if it’s weekend. And then there are ways to find you on social media and LinkedIn.

LaQuita Monley [00:41:48]:
Correct? Correct. If people connect with me on social media and set their notifications, they’ll have access to my lives or to. In which most of them can see them on my YouTube page.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:59]:
Okay. Okay, great. So there are a lot of ways to learn from you in various formats around identity and things like that. Great. And I’ll include All of those links in the show notes for this episode for people to check out.

LaQuita Monley [00:42:15]:
Awesome. Awesome. They can also check out my new book. It’s called Redefining Success eight Tools that I’ve used to develop a growth mindset. And it’s. The book is really about the importance of identity.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:42:32]:
Okay.

Achieve Growth Mindset Through Self-Understanding”

LaQuita Monley [00:42:32]:
Because growth and mindset, those are all, like, you know, sexy terms people are using in social media right now. But you won’t achieve any of those things until you understand who you are. Because how will I have a growth mindset if I don’t know who I am? I don’t even know where to begin and how to begin. And so I share some tips to tools and strategies in this. In Redefining Success 8 tools that I’ve used to develop a growth mindset. It can be found on Amazon as a Kindle book or as a paperback book.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:43:06]:
Okay, great. I’ll make. I’ll include that book also in the show notes for people who want, like an easy clickable link. So, Laquita, thank you so much for being on this podcast and talking about identity and how you got into it and how this relates to military spouses and even your own experience. It’s just been really great to learn about this from you. So thank you for being on the podcast.

Military Spouse Identity Challenges Explored

LaQuita Monley [00:43:33]:
Thank you so much for having me. It’s definitely been a pleasure. It’s one of my favorite topics. And you know, as we were saying even before the show, the military spouse definitely we have some unique challenges that others don’t have. And it’s so easy for us to get caught up in the culture of the military, where our identity hinges on the success of our sponsor or even if we’re employed. As for myself, I’ve worked nap, I’ve worked GS, I’ve been government contracting.

And it’s so easy to get caught up in that world to where our identity is determined by the rank you have in the active duty or the rank that you have as a civilian or the level of volunteerism that you do that we don’t know who we are at the core. And we find ourselves doing some very unhealthy things and in our personal and private lives because we don’t know who we are, because just the way that the military is designed.

LaQuita Monley [00:44:35]:
So that is one of the reasons that is really important because I don’t want to really say anything negative because that just happens, right? Like, it just happens. The longer your significant other is in the military and the way that the structure of the military is set up through a ranking system. It’s easy to get caught up in into that. And it’s very toxic. Not on purpose. It just happened. So we don’t know who you are. You get sucked into that trap and which can lead to, you know, the alcoholism, the depression.

LaQuita Monley [00:45:06]:
It leads to so many unhealthy things. Unintentionally, when what you were doing was trying to achieve success, but based off of the structure, that’s not a healthy structure. So identity is very important for us in the military community so that we can achieve what we have determined success to be without getting sucked into toxic traps.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:45:29]:
Yeah, I love that. Thank you. Thank you for adding that in. Well, we’ll end here, but thank you again for being on the podcast.

LaQuita Monley [00:45:40]:
Awesome. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:45:53]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.