Developing Healthy Relationship Habits

Episode Summary of “Developing Healthy Relationship Habits”

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect Podcast for Military Relationships, hosted by the expert marriage counselor, Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky. In today’s episode titled “Developing Healthy Relationship Habits,” we’re exploring the essential elements that contribute to strong, resilient partnerships—ideal for anyone preparing for marriage or looking to enhance their current relationship dynamics. As we continue our comprehensive series on getting ready for marriage, we’ll delve into how crucial it is to transform relationship skills into ingrained habits that can withstand the test of time.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, drawing on her vast experience as a marriage counselor, shares insightful personal stories and proven strategies for turning everyday skills into automatic habits. This episode will emphasize the power of consistent repetition in habit formation and why it’s crucial for the health of your relationship. Whether it’s the simple act of saying “I feel” to express emotions, or making a habit of fully turning your attention to your partner during conversations, these practical steps can significantly impact your relationship satisfaction.

We’ll also explore the effectiveness of emotionally focused couples therapy, a method Dr. Polinsky is certified in, which aids couples in embedding these vital skills into their relationships for the long haul. If you’re committed to fostering a strong and supportive partnership, this episode is packed with actionable insights you can put into practice right away.

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Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

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Episode Transcript for “Developing Healthy Relationship Habits”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:01]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:29]:
Welcome to the Communicate and Connect Podcast for Mill Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast, and if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:06]:
You’re listening to episode 31, developing healthy relationship Habits. Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect podcast. We have been doing a series on Getting ready for marriage and this is going to be one of the last Episodes in this series.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:36]:
We have one more for the series after this, which is going to be an interview that I do with Reverend Calley on premarital counseling, but this is. The last content one on this topic. So way to stick in there. If you’ve listened to all of them, I would love to know it. Find me on social media or tag me and tell me if you’ve listened To all of these episodes on getting ready for marriage.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:02]:
If you have thoughts or questions about things that you want to see covered. In this podcast, please go to communicateandconnectpodcast.com and there is a form on the website for you to submit questions, ideas, or things that you want covered. So for the last one we’re really talking about habits. And this is because everything that we’ve covered so far in this series is about skills.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:32]:
And skills are things that can be learned and I usually have to do them intentionally, but eventually I want them to become a habit. And I was thinking about habits recently when I was remembering this weekend trip that my husband and I went on.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:54]:
With some friends a few months ago. And there somebody was telling me basically a traumatic story from their wife and.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:04]:
Was sharing it with everybody. And I just sat there. I was so. I was so angry about what they had gone through that I didn’t even know what to do with the anger. And I just said I feel so angry. And I just sat there and I said it a few times.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:24]:
I was like, I am so angry right now. I’m just so angry. And somebody who was in the group. With us, our Friend. He was really impressed by my ability to just state my feelings and sit there and say what I was feeling without somehow reacting in some bigger way. I’ll say for me, I didn’t even. Realize that I was doing this because it’s so ingrained in me, probably because.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:56]:
I am a marriage counselor, and I’ve Been practicing therapy for a long time, and this is part of the skill set that they train therapists in. But I didn’t even realize I was. Doing it because it was so ingrained. And that is really what we want. To happen when we’re thinking about skills for a relationship. It’s wonderful to learn a skill, but.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:21]:
I have to actually implement that skill and implement that skill on a regular basis over and over and over again.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:27]:
To where that becomes part of the sort of the culture of the marriage. In the culture of the relationship, you want the skill to become ingrained to where it’s so ingrained, you’re not even thinking about it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:42]:
And this reminds me of a quote that I saw by Will Durant. He was an American writer, but he. Said, we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. And I think that applies to marriages as well. Our marriages are what we repeatedly do.

To make our marriages that way. So forming habits is about doing the. Skills so many times that it becomes muscle memory. It’s different than a routine. A routine is something that sometimes still has to have some intentionality.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:23]:
So, for example, for me, working out, I have to be really intentional about working out. I go through phases where I will be really great about working out, and. I’ll have a health kick. And my health kick lasts maybe six. Months, maybe a year, and then it stops, and I just am no longer.

On the health kick. And that is a way that I. Know it’s not really a habit. It was part of a routine that. I had to intentionally engage in. But a habit is something that’s more on autopilot.

Unconsciously driving wrong route due to habit.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:01]:
Sort of like when you drive and you are so used to driving one way that you go in that direction and you don’t even think about it, even though you needed to go in the opposite direction. That is a habit that is on. Autopilot, and that’s where we want these relationship skills to be.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:22]:
So how do you form a habit? You know, step one is you got. To pick a skill that you want. To develop into a habit, and then you want to do it over and. Over and over and over and over. And over and over and over and over and over and over and you want to do it every chance you get.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:42]:
Some habits don’t take that long to form. They maybe take a month, and other. Habits take several months to form. And I really think, you know, some. Things are easier to build into habits than others. And then other things are more so how much are you repeating the behavior.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:03]:
To form it into a habit? Some habits that you could work on. To improve your marriage. Here are some that I came up. With off the top of my head. And you can go back through any. Of the episodes in this series that.

Develop Emotional Habits: Identify and Regulate Feelings.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:22]:
We’Ve covered and pick one of those skills if you want, and choose that to be the habit you’re going to try to develop. But some examples for you for this episode, I feel that is a really lovely habit to develop for your communication in a marriage, but also for your own ability to regulate your own emotions.

There’s a lot of research that shows that just identifying my own emotions helps helps regulate it. So that way it’s not so overwhelming and that identifying my feelings is a way of coping with my feelings.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:01]:
So both on an individual level, just. For yourself, but also in your relationship. If you can start identifying your emotions. And just making statements of, I feel this emotion, I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel disappointed, I feel anxious, I feel afraid, I feel jealous, whatever the feeling is, I feel hungry, I feel tired.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:30]:
All of these feelings that you can. Have, just getting into the habit of identifying how you feel, naming how you feel and sharing how you feel, and stating it in the phrase, I feel this. That’s a lovely habit to form again. Both for yourself, but also for your relationship. On the relationship side, that makes it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:51]:
More about you, less about your partner.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:53]:
And then it doesn’t come off critical or attacking. Like if my partner decided they wanted to go do something with a friend and so they were no longer going to come do whatever they said they were going to do with me or I. Or I thought we were going to do something, and then I find out they were. He was going to do something with a friend, I might say, I feel disappointed. That is a fact about how I feel.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:23]:
That’s perfectly fine for me to say, and it makes it about me.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:26]:
Instead of saying, oh, you shouldn’t go do this thing with your friend. You clearly don’t care. You never think about me. Those would be statements that would put a partner on defense, that they would start feeling attacked and it kind of shuts the communication down versus saying, oh, I feel a little disappointed I wanted to go do this with you. That changes the Whole dynamic of the conversation. So I feel is a lovely habit that you could work on if you so choose.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:04]:
Another habit is turning your attention to.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:09]:
Your partner when they talk. This one is hard to break. Our society is so into multitasking and the research says that actually none of us are any good at it, but we all try.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:24]:
And I try also. I love to attempt to multitask. And then, like I mentioned in the previous episode, I totally miss whatever my. Partner said to me. So trying when we are talking together.

Cultivate quality time with attentive partner habits.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:39]:
Turning my attention to my partner and not multitasking, setting my phone down, pausing the tv, they’re turn like not reading the mail and instead like turning my body towards my partner, looking at my partner as they’re talking and focusing my attention on them when they talk is a habit that can be cultivated, informed. Other habits could be ways of. It could be like a habit that you do together in your relationship. Maybe going on a walk in the morning or going on a walk after dinner together.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:22]:
Really helpful if you have dogs that have to be walked. But having that as a. It could be considered a routine, but you could do it so often that.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:33]:
It becomes a habit as a way of reconnecting together. This is a time where we have, Even if it’s 10 minutes a day, we have this moment where we’re going to be together, where we can talk and share and reorient ourselves to our life together.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:55]:
So that is a habit that could be formed. You could also do something similar like cuddling right before bed. This is something that my husband and. I have referred to as couple cuddle talk time. And that’s just our fun phrase for. It, couple cuddle talk time.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:16]:
Where we have this time that we’re going to just be together and reconnect to where it’s us before bed versus being on our phones or going to bed at different times, or one of. Us falling asleep on the couch or. Something like that to feel more together in the relationship.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:39]:
There are lots of different habits that. You could do, but these are just a few to get you started on. Thinking about some options.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:49]:
So I’ll say. You know, I mentioned this in the last episode and I’m recording these on the same day, so maybe that’s why I’m thinking about it still. But how do you.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:01]:
How do you develop something into a habit? And how do you learn the skills. For your marriage to succeed? And I know in the last episode. I went through, you know, options like workshops, doing intensives, listening to podcasts and books.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:16]:
You could do a marriage meeting.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:18]:
If you just wanted to it yourselves, you could do the monthly marriage meetings and you could go see the episode on marriage meetings about that, where if you and your partner just want to work on developing that skill together. But so much of these do require.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:35]:
A lot of repetition.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:36]:
It takes so much repetition to get these skills into my body, into my muscle memory. So that way they really are a habit and they don’t require so much thought anymore. This is really what emotionally focused couple therapy does. This is the type of therapy that I do.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:57]:
I am a certified emotionally focused couple.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:00]:
Therapist and there are other, other therapists who do emotionally focused therapy and they are come in all various stages of training, whether they’re just starting to learn how to do EFT or if they’re certified like I am.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:17]:
But really what we do in EFT. Couple therapy is we are helping couples develop the skills into habits. That way they have long term success.

Consistent practice makes therapy skills natural.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:31]:
Because it really is not enough to just learn a skill if then I go home and I don’t do it, or if I learned how to do it and we started to do the skill together. But then three months from now, six months from now, we’re no longer using the skills. What needs to happen is that so much, we’re doing it so often that it just becomes a second nature. And that really is one of the goals for emotionally focused couple therapy.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:07]:
And specifically the skills that we try.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:09]:
To help couples develop into habits in EFT is the noticing and identifying feelings, sharing fears with each other, feelings in general, but especially the fears and insecurities that we have, and developing active listening and empathy. And those are the skills that we work on developing into muscle memory.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:36]:
There are other types of couples therapy.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:38]:
And I know I’ve said this in the past, but I’ll say it again. I always recommend working with somebody who’s trained in emotionally focused couple therapy or who is licensed as a marriage and family therapist and has specific training in marriage and family therapy. Because you really don’t want somebody who’s just dabbling. You want somebody who, this is what they do. Anyway, I’ll get off my soapbox now.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:06]:
These are skills that we often help.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:09]:
Couples develop in EFT couples counseling. And these are a lot of the skills that I would suggest working on developing into habits as part of getting ready for marriage or setting up your marriage, you know, at the beginning stages to set it up for success long term.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:31]:
So your action item for this episode is to pick one habit that you. Want to form in your relationship and make a plan to practice it. You can go back and you can listen to the other episodes in this. Series on getting ready for marriage and you could do that if you need.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:50]:
Ideas on which habits to start working on. Or you can just pick one that. Got covered in this episode if you want. Or if there’s something else that you’ve been thinking about, you could pick that. I don’t really care. Pick one that you think is going.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:03]:
To be the most helpful and start. Making a plan on how to practice.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:08]:
It and form it into a habit. If you pick one, I would love to hear about it. You can again, you can find me on social media, you can tag me, there’s the website that you can send me a message through the website that this is what you picked and this.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:24]:
Is what you’re practicing and this is.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:25]:
How you’re going to practice it. And yeah, I’d love to hear about it. So pick one, make a plan and then tell me about it, if you don’t mind. All right, until next time.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:47]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.