How to Fight Fair in Relationships

Episode Summary of “How to Fight Fair in Relationships”

Welcome to “The Communicate & Connect Podcast,” a dedicated space for improving relationship dynamics, especially for military and veteran families. In episode 29, host Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky, an experienced military marriage counselor, sheds light on the essential skills needed to fight fair in relationships. Are you tired of disagreements that escalate or leave you feeling disconnected? This episode is tailored to equip you with strategies to transform conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection.

Dr. Polinsky begins by identifying the pitfalls of unfair fighting, such as making harmful generalizations, engaging in name-calling, and losing focus on the original issue. She discusses the detrimental effects of these behaviors on relationship health and demonstrates how they often lead to increased emotional distance. But fear not—Dr. Polinsky offers actionable solutions, guiding you through a structured approach for more constructive conflict resolution.

Her secret weapon? The “DEAR” method (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce), originating from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This technique helps you communicate your needs without blame, ensuring both partners feel heard and valued. Dr. Polinsky emphasizes the importance of focusing on hurt feelings rather than anger and shares tips on how to effectively repair emotional wounds before jumping into problem-solving.

Whether you’re just starting your marriage or have been together for years, learning how to fight fair can prevent the buildup of negative fighting habits and conserve emotional intimacy. Dr. Polinsky challenges you to practice the “DEAR” method in your next conversation and witness its positive impact firsthand.

Listen now to discover how adopting fair fighting techniques can improve communication, lead to healthier relationships, and foster lasting emotional bonds.

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Episode Transcript for “How to Fight Fair in Relationships”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:01]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for Milit Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review, and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast. And if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

Unfair fighting: generalizations, character criticism.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:05]:
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect podcast. This is episode 29 on how to fight fair in relationships. So today is all about how to fight in relationships. And I am thinking right now about a fight that I witnessed about a year ago, but between a couple where there was this guy who was bringing up a concern that he had.

I can’t remember what their fight was actually about, but I remember the female partner responded and just said, well, if you don’t like it, then you can leave. And I was thinking, okay, I don’t really like how their fight is going. It doesn’t feel like a very fair fight fight to say, okay, I don’t.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:04]:
I. Whatever you don’t like, if you don’t like it, you can just leave. Like, there’s no room for negotiation in that. And it was like she didn’t even hear what his concerns were. And so today I figured, let’s talk about how to actually fight fair in relationships.

And this is probably something that’s pretty important as you’re starting out your marriage because you want to build up a habit of trying to fight fair, you know, so that way you don’t build up these, like, really negative fighting habits that then later on after the relationship has deteriorated a whole bunch that you have to then try to fix and repair. You know, like, let’s just try to get it down from the beginning. So we’ll talk a little bit about, like, some qualities that are related to fighting poorly and what are some things that are qualities of fighting well and fighting fairly.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:03]:
And then I’ll give you some of my tips for how you could do this. So let’s start with what are some things that are qualities of a bad fight, of, like, fighting in an unfair way. And if I miss something, find me on social media and message it to me. These are the ones that I think of. So generalizations, statements like, you always do this or you never do this, or I’m the one that always has to do this, or I never get to do this.

These sort of big generalizations. Words like always never are usually not fighting fairly because they’re very rarely ever truly the case that somebody never does something or that you are the one who always is doing something. So I would count that in a poor fighting arena, the next one would be being critical and especially being critical of someone’s character, such as name calling.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:10]:
So when a fight gets to being critical in name calling, like, you’re lazy or you’re an invalid. I heard someone say that once. Or like someone insulting someone’s intelligence, like using words like, you’re retarded. I hate that word. But I’ve definitely heard couples say that to each other, which is not a nice word. So things that are critical of someone’s character. This isn’t just a fight about, you know, we have a disagreement and we need to problem solve and come to an agreement about something. Somehow it’s turned into attacking and tearing your partner down and trying to make them feel bad about themselves.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:56]:
Like, at that point, we are really in a bad fight. And that is not a fair fight. Another thing that’s not great is getting off topic. And I see that happen so often with couples. So someone brings up a topic, they’re saying, you know, I don’t like this, I want to do this. I want us to go on date night on Fridays or something. And then somehow the conversation gets to a different topic. So let’s say one partner says, I want to go on date nights on Fridays.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:33]:
And the other partner says, well, there’s no time to go on date nights because I’m the one who always has to do the cleaning. And Fridays are the only time to do cleaning. And if you weren’t so lazy, then we would have time to clean earlier in the week. And why do you have to be never help around the house? And now we have generalizations critical of someone’s character. And now we’re off topic. We’re no longer talking about date nights. We’re talking about chores and cleaning the house. And that happens a lot.

Threats hinder effective relationship conflict resolution.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:08]:
And so that is a quality of fighting poorly. Another quality would be threats, which is what happened in that example where somebody said, if you don’t like it, you can just leave. That is sort of a. Is in a way a threat about the relationship. It’s not outright, but I have seen couples outrightly threaten, I’m going to leave the relationship unless you don’t do this.

Like, there’s no room to fight, like, to have a discussion or come to an agreement or negotiate or anything when someone is threatening to leave the relationship. I’ve also had people threaten to take kids. Well, I’m going to take the kids and we’re going to leave.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:51]:
Like, that is also not a fair fight. Another thing that is not fair is not giving your partner space or, like, not taking a time out when you both are getting really heated. And so some couples have a hard time with taking breaks, you know, and I can understand that. It’s like, the fight is really stressful. We want to get it resolved. We want to talk it, talk it through. But at some point, we’re both too emotional to have a productive conversation. And when we can’t take a break to calm down, like, not taking a break at that point is a quality of poor fighting.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:31]:
And then lastly is sweeping things under the rug. So let’s say that you do have the ability to take a break, but then you don’t return back to the discussion in order to resolve it. Then we’re just sweeping the problem under the rug. And that is also a quality of poor fighting.

So those are the things that easily come to my mind when I start thinking of how couples fight when it’s not a fair fight and some of the things we want to avoid in fights in relationships. But like I said, if you think of something that I didn’t think of, I’d love to hear about it on social media. And so you could find the post for this episode and post in it, because I feel like people need this information. Okay.

Fair Fighting Tips: Stay Focused and Be Direct.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:19]:
Qualities of fighting well. So number one for me is staying on topic because if I do a generalization that you never do something, we’re off topic now because my partner is going to start saying, well, actually, I did it this time and this time and this time and now we’re not talking about the actual topic at hand. Same thing.

If I get into name calling or if I bring up something for my justification, we’re just, we’re just off topic. So number one is good fights, fair fights stay on topic, and they address the issue at hand instead of getting swept away into something else. Another quality of fighting fair and fighting well in relationships is being direct about what you’re looking for from your partner in response.

So if you’re bringing up a concern, you should also be direct about what you’re wanting from them? Are you wanting acknowledgement? Just that they heard or acknowledged your concern? Are you asking for something that is a specific change? Do you want them to do a specific behavior in response? Then you want to make that clear that I’m bringing up this concern and this is what I’m hoping you are going to do in response to hearing me bring this up. That could be asking for a change.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:47]:
It could be acknowledgement, but it could also be comfort. It could be like my feelings are really hurt that this happened and I am wanting reassurance and comfort from you. That is a perfectly legitimate and wonderful thing to bring up a relationship, but it’s helpful to your partner and keeps you guys on track and keeps you in the spare fighting lane when you are clear about what it is you’re looking for from your partner.

Other things that are qualities of fighting fairly are talking about the actual problem versus talking about the past, you know, not bringing up the past or not talking about qualities of your partner or personality characteristics. So just this is the issue that just happened here and not bringing the past into it and not bringing your partner’s personality into it. Also taking breaks is a really great thing to do to help you fight fair. Because again, if both of you are so emotionally overwhelmed, there’s no way that you guys can can fight fair. Not if you’re like pissed off or like enraged on the inside.

Regulate emotions, stay focused, claim not blame.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:03]:
So you guys need to take like calm down, like help regulate your emotions first in order to stay in a fair fighting spot. And then it would be if you do take a break or if you find yourself getting off topic, you want to circle back around and return to the topic. So that way the actual topic gets addressed instead of sweeping it under the rug.

And so those are some things to think about what would be an unfair fight and what would be a fair fight. And so now let me go into some of my tips for how to do this. So my first one is actually a quote that I recently heard. I can’t remember where I got it, but they were saying make a claim about what you want instead of blaming your partner. It’s a claim, not a blame.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:56]:
And that’s going to be like one of my new favorite quotes. And so how can I make a claim? So I really like to use an acronym called dear. And it comes from a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It’s a skills group. It’s group therapy that covers a wide range of different skills. And this is one of the skills that gets taught in this therapy Group is dear. So it’s an acronym. It stands for describe, express, assert, and reinforce.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:32]:
So I want to describe the situation factually without any opinions. That would be. I don’t know. I got to think of an example real fast. I always go to the dishes, so I feel like I should pick a different example for you guys. Okay, so, you know, a couple episodes ago, I used this example where my husband got into this hot tub with some of our friends and didn’t include me. Or at least that’s how I felt. I felt kind of excluded.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:03]:
And I realized that a few weeks have gone by between these episodes by the time they’re released. But at the time that I’m recording it, it’s still kind of fresh. So I’ll use this as an example. So in the actual situation, I did go into blaming him. A way that I could have made that into a claim would be to use dear. And I could say just. Dear is just describe what happened. Okay.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:29]:
I looked up and I realized you weren’t there. And then I found out you had gone into the hot tub with other people. Okay, that’s. That’s the d. Describe. That’s great. Okay, then I want to express my thoughts and feelings about it. That hurt my feelings because I felt excluded.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:52]:
That’s factual. It’s not blaming. I’m describing how I feel. But I’m. And I’m expressing my thoughts and feelings about it. And then a. I’m going to assert what I want or what my request is going to be here. And so maybe I’m.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:09]:
I could say I really want reassurance and comfort that you weren’t trying to exclude me. I could make. That could be my assert there, or I. Or it could be asserting. I would really like it if in the future you could remember to try to. To include me in activities like that. That would be a great assert as well. And then R is reinforce.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:36]:
I want to reinforce the positive thing that will come as a result of somebody giving me what I want or what I’m asking for. And, you know, if in certain situations, I could always describe the negative consequences, but that is not as great. I would always start with a carrot and not a stick. So you want to start with the positive. That would, you know, if you. If you did that, that would help me feel better in this relationship, and I probably wouldn’t get so frustrated when things like this happen. That would be a positive. A negative version of that, like the stick part, if I have to.

Use DEAR method in communication to address exclusion.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:23]:
Which there’s some nuance to this. That is probably best discussed with a therapist or like, or an individual therapist or somebody who’s familiar with deer. For when do you use a carrot versus a stick? But I could say, like, if I really had to, really, really had to, I could say, if you keep excluding me, then I’m no longer going to come with you on group trips like this because it’s not fun for me to feel excluded.

That would be a stick, but I would always start with the carrot. It would make me feel a lot better. And I think we would enjoy our trip more if you could make an intentional effort to include me in things moving forward. And that is how you use dear, describe, express, assert, reinforce. So altogether, it might sound like, you know, I looked up and you weren’t there and I noticed you went to the hot tub with a bunch of other people.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:25]:
My feelings were hurt because I felt really excluded moving forward. I would appreciate it if you could intentionally make an effort to include me in things that would help me feel better and help us both have a better time on this trip. Are you good with that? You know, that would be dear, altogether so. And that would be a claim, not a blame. It’s a claim of what I want and what I’m looking for and what I’m asking for. It’s to the point, it’s on topic. There are no generalizations. There’s no critical happening here.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:04]:
And it’s about the problem and it’s clear. So this is one of my top tips for having clear request. And it also helps if you focus on your hurt feelings. So, for example, in express, I said my feelings are hurt by this. I felt excluded. I went to my deeper emotion. At the time, I was feeling pissed, but I was feeling pissed because I was so hurt by feeling excluded. It’s totally different thing if I said, you went to the hot tub without me, I’m really pissed at you.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:42]:
I can’t believe you would do that. Don’t do that again or else I’m going to leave. That would be just a totally different emotional experience. Technically, I used deer, but I used deer in a super negative way. So you want to focus on the hurt feelings over the anger, and that’s going to help that go more smoothly.

And then my final tip is, let’s say your partner uses deer with you and makes a claim about how their feelings were hurt and how they have this concern and they’re making this request of you. You want to focus on repairing the hurt feelings and then problem solving. I have to repair the hurt feelings before we can problem solve.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:28]:
And that might look like, oh my gosh, I didn’t know you felt excluded. That was not my goal. That’s lovely. Like, that’s some validation there around the hurt feelings. And then you can negotiate about whether you’ll be included or not or how that will go. But you want to repair hurt feelings first and then negotiate. And then after you’ve had this discussion on whatever it is, whether you’re wanting acknowledgement or asking for a change, whatever this fight is about, you want to end with love and care. Because at the end of the day, like, yeah, we need to problem solve.

Resolve conflicts by fostering emotional connection effectively.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:11]:
We need to get resolution to our concerns and our fights. But I also need to know that we’re connected and we all need to know that we’re loved and we’re cared. And so at the end of a fight, one of the things that is really helpful for fighting fair is reconnecting emotionally. And that can look a lot of different ways.

But you want to the goal would be ending in a place where both of you feel loved and cared for. So my action item for everyone today is to practice deer in at least one conversation. And I would practice an easy one. You know, when I teach this to people in therapy, I often tell them to start by asking for salt, because that’s really easy.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:01]:
I notice the salt is over there. That’s D. I would really like the salt that’s expressed. Could you pass it? That’s assert. Reinforce would be next. That would make me really happy. That’s such an easy way. Like you just want to start practicing kind of the template, the format of using Dear and then that’ll make it easier and easier to use in more difficult conversations.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:28]:
So find one thing, not the biggest, most painful topic in your relationship, but you know you could do something a little more challenging than salt if you want to. To make a request of your partner, use Dear as the format for that fight or that conversation and then let me know how it goes. All right, Have a great.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:02]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.