Decision Making in Relationships

Episode Summary of “Decision Making in Relationships”

Welcome to The Communicate & Connect Podcast, hosted by the knowledgeable military marriage counselor Elizabeth Polinsky. In episode 26, titled “Decision Making in Relationships,” Elizabeth unpacks the intricate dynamics of decision-making processes that can impact the harmony of romantic partnerships, especially for military families facing unique challenges.

In this episode, Elizabeth shares a compelling personal narrative about a recent decision regarding a substantial business investment. She discusses how she navigated the financial decision-making process within her marriage, highlighting the importance of communication and mutual consent. This story serves as an excellent example of the broader topic—determining who holds decision-making power in relationships and how this can either strengthen or strain the bond between partners.

Elizabeth broadens the discussion to cover various aspects of decision-making that couples often encounter, such as setting work hours, determining bedtimes, managing budgets, planning vacations, and establishing parenting styles. She emphasizes the importance of couples jointly deciding these aspects to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship. By preemptively discussing who gets decision-making power and recognizing the potential for different preferences, partners can avoid common conflicts and enhance their connection.

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Episode Transcript for “Decision Making in Relationships”

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:02]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:28]:
Welcome to the Communicate and Connect Podcast for Milit Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinski, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast. And if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:58]:
Foreign you’re listening to episode 26 on decision making in relationships.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:14]:
Hey everyone.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:15]:
Welcome back to the Communicate and Connect podcast. I’m your host, Liz, a military marriage counselor. And today we’re going to talk about decision making in relationships. And I think I’ll start off with a story that actually just recently happened for me, like in the past week and a half actually in my relationship. That is a really good analogy or like example of what I’m going to be talking about today.

So as you all know, I am a marriage counselor in Norfolk, Virginia. I provide marriage counseling mostly to military and veteran couples, although I do have some other couples that, that find me who are not connected to the military and I work with them anyway. But at least, at least 80% of the people that I work with are either active duty military or veteran couples.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:14]:
And I provide therapy in the states of Arkansas, South Carolina. I do telehealth to those states and then telehealth throughout Virginia and then in person couples therapy in Virginia as well. And so that’s a little bit background about me, but why was I talking about this? I was trying to say that because recently I’ve been finding that especially for my active duty couples, it’s really hard to get consistent with, with couple therapy just because their schedules, the military schedule can be pretty unpredictable and it’s hard for them to be consistent just because of their military schedule.

And so I’ve been thinking recently about ways to try to do stuff that isn’t the regular like weekly couple therapy type of session just for those couples who are not able to to make that work with their schedules. Obviously this podcast is a great resource. That’s one of the reasons I created this podcast. Cause there were a lot of people reaching out to me from other states, but I can only actually provide therapy services in South Carolina, Arkansas and Virginia because that’s where I’m licensed. And so I made this podcast wanting to provide a resource for couples who were in other locations.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:45]:
But it’s also there for couples who either are not ready for couples counseling, marriage counseling, they don’t think they need it, but they just want some tips on what to be thinking about to improve their relationship. So this has been on my mind because it has been hard for some people to make appointments due to, due to the shifting schedules with the military.

And so I’ve been thinking about doing more workshops and retreats. I haven’t quite just started to do that, but I’ve been planning, planning it out a little bit. So look out for that in the future. And I, a couple weeks ago I was interested in doing this retreat program that would help me plan out some couples retreats or military couples who can’t quite make it into regular couples counseling. And the cost of the program was like $3,000. And it would be a business expense for me because I own my own business therapy business.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:57]:
And I was really excited. I really am hoping to, to do this and I wanted to go ahead and spend $3,000 on this program to help me plan out my, my first couple’s retreat. And my husband wanted me to wait. And so this is where we get into decision making and who has decision making power in relationships. So on the one hand, it’s my business. My husband is not part of my business. He’s in no way legally connected to my business. It’s totally mine.

Business Expense Decision-Making Conflict

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:36]:
Right? So on the one hand, I should quote, unquote, have total say on how business expenses are spent and how the business money is spent and what I do with that. And on the other side, my husband is doing a lot to financially support me while I finish my PhD program in couple therapy. And I do think it is very reasonable for him to want to have a say and for him to say that spending a couple thousand dollars would be better if that went to our family and not to the business currently until after I finish my PhD program and can do even more with the business.

And so this is kind of what we’re going to be talking about today is who gets to decide in this scenario. And again, there’s no right or wrong answer. It’s just pros and cons and something that you and your partner have to decide for yourselves who gets decision making power. And if you guys are not on the same page with this, then it can Be a source of conflict. Having an argument or a disagreement over power and decision making responsibility is a very common experience.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:58]:
My experience with the business is just one example, but there are millions of examples I could go with. And people have different preferences for whether they get to decide something or if their partner should decide or if they want it to be a joint decision making process where we collectively together decide together. And that’s how it is.

Another example outside of the business, one that I just mentioned would be parenting. It’s very common for couples to have different parenting styles and talk about. A hot topic issue is people feel very, very strongly about how they treat and discipline their kids. And if you have a different parenting style than your spouse, then this is probably going to be a source of conflict. And I see it a lot in couples therapy and the couples that I work with.

Parenting Decision-Making Guide

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:56]:
So you want to know who gets to decide? Who gets to decide what type of parenting we are going to do with the kids. Who gets to decide what type of discipline we’re going to use? That is something you guys want to probably decide on together. Because if one person is deciding, you know, if, if the, if person A is deciding and person B doesn’t care and they’re just going with the flow, then you know what, no problem, right? But if both people feel really strongly, then how are you going to come to an agreement? I found a worksheet that I’m going to include in this episode’s show notes.

You can go to communicateandconnectpodcast.com, look for episode 26 in the search box and you’ll get this episode’s show notes and you’ll be able to see a downloadable worksheet or a link to a worksheet that I found from the Pairs Foundation. They talk about this concept as a power gram that kind of divides decision making into five different categories. There’s maybe something that’s my decision totally and then maybe something that’s my decision with my spouse’s input. Then something that’s our decision together. We both need to have equal say.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:22]:
And then maybe my husband, it’s mostly his decision, but I could have input on it. And then there is something that would be totally his decision. And so that is kind of the spectrum that the Pairs foundation talks about with their power gram. And it’s important to think about this spectrum of decision making power in your relationship and come to a consensus together about what, what it should be for different things.

So here are some types of things that it might be Useful to decide on together or at least discuss where you both think the decision making power should fall in these areas. So let’s start with work hours. On the surface, my initial reaction to work hours is that that is an individual decision. It’s one person’s career.

Balancing Work Hours and Relationships

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:23]:
Why would a partner be having a say on someone’s work hours? That is definitely what I thought before I owned my own business. Now that I owned my own business, I could be working 24 7. And that is how it was at the very begin of my business as I was trying to like learn everything. And it was a very steep learning curve. And it, it meant that I didn’t have as much quality time with my husband and I basically only saw him on the weekends, but then I still had work to do on the weekends and that was not working well for our relationship.

And so I’m kind of grateful that I had to deal with that while we don’t have kids. But if you add kids in the mix, then I would think that maybe a partner should have a little bit of say over work hours. Because you guys need to figure out together what’s going to be best for you to have time together as a couple, but then also to still meet the needs of your kids and the parenting needs that come along with that.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:35]:
And negotiating the hours that someone is at home versus that they’re working versus that they’re out doing their own thing. And is something that likely will have to be negotiated and figured out together in your relationship. Okay, so another one would be bedtime. Again, on the surface, my initial reaction is this is an individual decision. I should get to decide when I go to bed.

And this is definitely what I would have said before I got married and then I got married and my. And especially when I was doing the business, at the very beginning of the business, my husband and I were going to bed at very different times. And again, it just felt very much like we were not a team.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:22]:
There was a period where it felt like more kind of like roommate ish and not as much as a marriage. And so that was not working again for us. And so then if that’s the case, maybe a partner should get some say or at least input on bedtime and the hours that you’re interacting or doing things together to maintain the relationship. Other topics might be how much time you guys spend together, food and diet habits. I could see that being an individual choice.

But then what about when you’re both trying to lose weight or if one person is trying to be sober and the other one isn’t. There are maybe some unique cases where it might be helpful to negotiate and talk about who gets to decide. Okay, even if only one person gets to decide, how do we still care for the needs of the other person? Budget and financial things are something that you’ll have to decide together.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:42]:
Who gets to decide on the budget? I tend to recommend that people decide together on the budget and that they balance it together monthly. But there are some couples who function just as well and are happy and healthy and they have one person in charge of all the financial things. So again, no right or wrong, just pros and cons and what is going to work for you and your relationship.

But again, that’s something that you guys should decide on together so you’re not in opposition with each other when it comes to that parenting, rules and discipline. I would definitely talk about that. Who gets the power? Who gets to decide how you guys are going to parent together? Big expenditures. So if you spend. So kind of like the situation with me and my.

Relationship Decision-Making: Managing Conflicts

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:36]:
In my business, I wanted to buy the thing that was $3,000 for the business and my husband didn’t want me to buy it or at least wanted me to wait. At what point is an is an expense so big that it should be a joint decision versus it? It can be a solo one person decision. Another one where I see some conflict with couples that I work with is affection in public. And who gets to decide that? I think that one probably should be a little bit of a joint decision. But again, I think that’s up to you and your relationship.

What about saving for retirement or a vacation? Where we should go for vacation, what we’re going to do on vacation, how much vacation will cost? All of these types of things. Can I go on a vacation on my own? Is that fine? Is it fine if I decide to spend a couple thousand dollars to go on a solo vacation or a vacation with my sibling or my best friend? Does a partner get to have a say in any of that?

At what point do they get to have a say? Those are things to talk about. So again, I’m probably saying this too much, but again, no right or wrong answers as long as you guys are talking about it and deciding together where you are at and what you want to do in your relationship? I think the biggest conflict comes from when these things are not talked about and you guys have different expectations on who gets to decide and how much input each of you has.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:23]:
That’s when the conflict happens. But if you know where you both stand ahead of time and if you’ve come to a decision together on who gets decision making power, then it’ll go a lot smoother for you guys. So your action item for this episode is to go to this episode’s show notes and download the worksheet. You want to give one worksheet to your partner and then you fill out the worksheet. So you both fill out the worksheet separately and then you come together and you compare what did you say for all the things that you thought should be your choice versus your partner’s choice versus a choice you should make together?

And what did your partner say on what they thought should be their choice versus your choice versus a joint decision making process? And then on the items that there are discrepancies or differences, you can go through and talk about it together and decide together how you want to handle that. Do you want it to be mostly your decision with some input?

Do you want it to be only your decision or do you want it to be a joint decision? So if you do this exercise, please find me on social media and tell me how it went. I would love to hear if you found this helpful for your relationship. All right, until next time guys.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:01]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.