Taking a risk on love

Episode Summary of “Taking a risk on love”

Welcome to “The Communicate & Connect Podcast,” your go-to resource for enhancing military relationships through effective communication and emotional connection. In today’s episode titled “Taking a Risk on Love,” host Elizabeth Polinsky, a seasoned military marriage counselor, engages in a heartfelt conversation with April, a vibrant 23-year-old military spouse. Drawing from her own personal journey of love, April opens up about meeting her husband while navigating the complexities of a past filled with adversity and pain.

Listeners will be captivated by April’s candid storytelling as she shares how a chance encounter led to a blossoming romance that defied the odds. Explore how this couple faced long-distance challenges inherent in military life and learned to communicate effectively despite the separation. April poignantly describes the emotional hurdles they overcame, including her battle with health issues and their shared experience with infertility.

Elizabeth and April delve into the transformative power of honest communication and vulnerability, discussing how these elements are vital in overcoming relationship hurdles and building a life filled with mutual love and respect. April also sheds light on the importance of understanding love languages and how this knowledge has been integral to strengthening their marriage.

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Episode Transcript for “Taking a risk on love”

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:02]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for Milit Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinski, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review, and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast. And if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

April [00:00:58]:
Foreign.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:03]:
You’Re listening to episode 16, taking a risk on Love. Hi, everyone. This is Elizabeth Polinsky, the host of Communicate and Connect podcast. And I’m really excited today because today I have a military spouse here with me. Her name is April, and I’m pretty excited. And if you have listened to any of the other episodes or if you know me at all, you know that I love hearing love stories, so I’m probably going to ask April to share that, too. But, April, do you just want to introduce yourself first?

April [00:01:41]:
Yeah, of course. Hi, everybody. My name is April. I am 23 years old. Been married for four years.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:47]:
Ooh, congratulations.

April [00:01:49]:
Three and a half. So going on four. Yeah, we’ve been really happy the last couple of years. I come from a not so happy background, and so meeting my husband and falling in love and creating a life that we love to live together has been one of the greatest things in my life. So I’m really excited to share it with you guys.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:07]:
Yeah, I can really empathize with that. When you say that I didn’t. I definitely didn’t have the worst childhood by any means, but there were definitely some painful parts. And I can relate in feeling that, like, meeting my spouse has been the best thing in the world. And now. And now we really do have a life that we love, minus some of the marital challenges that arise. So. So, yeah, so tell me the love story, because that’s always so exciting for me.

April [00:02:37]:
So we met like four and a half years ago, I want to say. Yeah, about there. It was actually my birthday and a couple of my friends took me out to dinner. He was actually the server. He was working at the restaurant during the time before he joined the military. A friend and I were just, you know, messing around and talking about how handsome he was and just, you know, saying things that we would say to him and just goofing around. Well, I was a lot more serious than she was. She was kind of just playing off of me.

April [00:03:03]:
It was me who spotted him and, you know, wanted to talk to him and express, you know, that he was very good looking. And so she took what I was saying and wrote it down on a napkin and put my phone number on it and gave it to him. I was mortified. Some of the stuff on there was just super crazy. Just, you know, say in a public setting to someone you don’t know. But it worked out pretty well. He called me later that night and we talked for quite a while. The day after that, I was actually going out of town for a week.

April [00:03:28]:
And so we talked, you know, the whole time. Texting, talking on the phone the entire time I was gone. When I came back, we met up and we went running. And that was just like our first date. Just, you know, hiking in the trails behind my house and talking. And I had a great time. He actually was three hours late to work because he didn’t want to leave. And it just turned into a really amazing friendship and relationship.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:55]:
Yeah, that’s. That’s an awesome first date, by the way.

April [00:03:58]:
Yeah, it was, it was great. I really enjoyed it. I was just so nervous. I. I’ve grown and changed a lot since then and I mean, I realized there’s so many things that I was doing that I would, you know, never do now. Like, I wore makeup to go jump. It was like a nervous thing that I felt that I had to do. I don’t know, it was probably a little silly.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:20]:
Yeah. Well, first dates have so much pressure on them.

April [00:04:23]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:24]:
Right. Like you have to be some sort of like, Barbie, picture perfect something.

April [00:04:29]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:30]:
So that way someone else might want to ask you out again, but you don’t even know if you’re going to want to go out with them again. It’s. There’s a lot of pressure on first dates, so I can understand.

April [00:04:40]:
Yeah, it was. And I wasn’t even hiding now that I was nervous. Like, he was texting me, asking, like, because he was going to come pick me up. So he texted me, asking me for my address. And I remember texting him a gif. One of those little moving images that says, oh, pressure, pressure, pressure. Because I was so nervous.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:56]:
Yeah.

April [00:04:56]:
And I shared that with him, I feel, because I wanted him to know I was nervous. So if he was nervous too, we could break the ice together.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:03]:
Yeah.

April [00:05:03]:
And it really worked because He’s a goofball. He said, I’ll tickle you till you’re not nervous anymore. And he actually did, and it was really cute, and it was a way to, you know, make us more comfortable with each other.

Embrace Vulnerability in Relationships

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:17]:
Yeah, he. He wanted to reassure you, and I think I love the fact that you did that. One of the, you know, it’s. It’s called the Communicate and Connect podcast, and I think one of the things that I talk a lot about with couples is not hiding the vulnerable parts of you and actually actively showing that to your partner.

So that way, one, they know, but two, they. They usually, deep down, actually do care about you and want to jump in to reassure you and provide encouragement and empathy, and we just usually have to give them the chance to do that. And so that was a bold move, and I. I am so impressed with you that you.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:56]:
You took that risk on a first date.

April [00:05:59]:
Thank you. I appreciate that. I actually came from an abusive relationship before him, so a lot of the things that I experienced in my relationship with him, even still we’ve been together almost five years, is. Is just different. I wasn’t used to being treated like a person.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:14]:
Yeah.

April [00:06:14]:
And so it was. It was odd to be treated the way I’m supposed to be treated. And so that was really refreshing that he was so kind and just a genuine guy.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:25]:
Yeah. So how did it. How did it shift over to you being like, yeah, I could marry him?

April [00:06:32]:
Well, it was. It’s funny, actually. So the first couple of months, I want to say two or three months, it was pretty casual on my end, not so much on his end. Two and a half months, three months into our relationship, that was kind of not a relationship, but exclusive. It was a little strange at first.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:51]:
Like most dating relationships, I think.

April [00:06:53]:
Yeah, a little bit. And so he. He had told me, you know, I really enjoy spending time with you, and I’ve fallen in love with you, and if we’re going to be something, we’re going to be everything. And that really hit me hard because I, like I said, I just gotten out of an abusive relationship, so I don’t. I. I don’t think I was truly ready at that time. A lot of my strained background of, you know, like, my hard childhood and stuff like that comes from my relationship with my mom. We don’t have the best relationship at all.

Love Realization: Embracing the Future

April [00:07:22]:
So I don’t really talk to her too much about my dating life usually. And I don’t know what made me say something to her, but I told her that he said that, and she said, if you throw him away because of what your ex did to you, it will be the biggest mistake you make in your whole life. I can’t even begin to explain how profoundly right she was, because that.

Her saying that made me completely realize that I loved him too, and that it wasn’t about my past, it was about my future and what I wanted moving forward. And I should, you know, look the direction I’m walking instead of looking over my shoulder. And so we started, you know, seriously dating, and it just took off, like, quicker than I’d ever imagined. That was about March, and we were engaged by November.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:05]:
Yeah. So you had a moment of sort of like, contemplating your options and making a very conscious choice. Like, I’m going to invest in this. I’m going to move forward.

April [00:08:15]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:16]:
There are so many couples, I think, that get caught in the looking over your shoulder, whether it’s looking over your shoulder at your own personal past or whether it’s looking over the shoulder of the relationship past and sort of like, things, fights that you had, disagreements, ways that you guys hurt each other at the beginning of a relationship, and they have a hard time looking forward.

And so I think that statement that you made was. Was profound to me of. Of how you chose, like, I’m going to look forward. I’m going to move forward in this relationship versus looking behind me. What have been the. Some of maybe the challenges that you guys have faced over the years? The big themes?

April [00:09:01]:
I want to say there’s only been maybe three big things. I feel. First of all, the distance involved with military life has been. Had been hard. When he left and joined the military, it was a huge, huge learning curve.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:16]:
Yeah. Like, you guys were long distance.

April [00:09:19]:
Oh, yeah. For 10 months.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:20]:
Yeah.

April [00:09:21]:
And I know that doesn’t sound like a long time, but it was horrible for me.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:26]:
It sounds like a long time to me.

April [00:09:28]:
Not good. I have some, you know, issues with depression and anxiety. So I. I just really felt hit hard by that, not having my best friend.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:40]:
So if I could jump in right there. Just because not having your partner around does actually cause symptoms like depressive and. And anxious symptoms. Because we rely on our significant others for comfort, especially when we’ve been with them for a while and we have that deep connection.

So maybe not during that. Not during that casual phase, you know, of like, contemplating, but as things go on and as. As we become more and more committed, that bond that you have with a significant other, that is so important, and it’s. It’s like home base for a lot of People, this is where I can go for comfort and support in order to deal with life.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:25]:
And basically, you are. If you’re long distance from the military, due to the military, either, you know, deployment or in this case, just like more typical long distance, that person is not there. You can’t rely on them in the same way. And so you’re kind of without your safety net.

April [00:10:42]:
Yeah, I agree.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:42]:
And it is very, very hard. It makes so much sense to me that that would have been a more challenging period in terms of feeling more anxious or depressed.

April [00:10:52]:
Yeah, it was hard. And I always tell him, too, when we, you know, talk about big separations or stuff like that, trying to explain to him how it feels for me. And I’ve said it feels like holding my breath the whole time. And then when he finally comes home, I can exhale. And that’s like the best feeling, having him home and feeling like I can relax.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:11]:
I can really relate to that too. Yeah, we were. We were long distance for quite a while before. Before we were back together. I think it was like a year and a half almost, but it really sucked.

Long-Distance and Health Challenges in Relationships

April [00:11:25]:
Yeah, it was not fun. That was one of our big, you know, things that we had to get through, learning how to communicate without actually being together in person. I’ve also had some health issues over the years that I didn’t have when we first started dating. Getting used to that has been hard.

I don’t like feeling helpless, and so that has been hard because one of the biggest symptoms of my health problems is fatigue and weakness and feeling like an old lady, for lack of a better term. And I felt really guilty about a lot of that. And, you know, him having to get used to me just being exhausted all the time. And so that has been one of our most difficult to.

April [00:12:06]:
But I will say the icing on the cake for difficulty was along with my health issues comes infertility. And so we’ve been trying to have another baby for about three years now.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:16]:
That is so hard.

April [00:12:17]:
That’s been the worst thing that I’ve ever gone through. There’s been so many emotions with that that have just caused us a lot of pain. So I will definitely say that was our biggest hurdle and still is. We’re still going through that. So that definitely becomes the hardest thing.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:38]:
I’m feeling for you as you say that. I. I have a strong desire to comfort you right now, and I. I realize that nothing I say can actually do much comforting. I can hear the sadness in your voice. Yeah.

April [00:12:52]:
Appreciate it. Yeah, it’s. It’s Rough. I mean, there’s just so many feelings. I mean, my son, he was conceived by mistake. And so feeling like I was able to have a baby with the wrong person but can’t have one with the right person is just gut wrenching.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:13]:
Yeah.

April [00:13:15]:
And I know there’s no comparison and it’s nobody’s fault, but it’s just. It’s a lot to go through.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:23]:
It’s a challenge. Absolutely. What are your sort of, like, tips for navigating challenges like this that you guys have had to figure out through the experience of going through it?

Honest Communication in Relationships

April [00:13:37]:
I want to say the biggest thing is, like, how you already mentioned honest communication, because if you’re. I feel if you’re going through something and your spouse doesn’t know, there’s no possible way they can be there for you. I. I really resent the notion that men more often than women are supposed to be mind readers, and they’re just not.

And so talking about it has been hard but important, especially my husband tends to be a little bit more closed off. And so pushing through those feelings and opening up to me about how he feels about it without making it sound like he’s blaming me has been really hard for him. And that’s, you know, to talking about love languages, how we receive love in different ways. And a lot of feelings, I feel, come across to us in different ways.

April [00:14:23]:
So learning how to explain that has been a big hurdle, but it’s something that we get better at every day.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:30]:
Yeah. So. So if I were to kind of summarize, you said making sure you’re having honest communication and trying to. And then number two, would be sort of trying to get on the same page, because oftentimes when you’re trying to convey something, like you mentioned love languages and emotions coming across in different ways. So maybe you’re trying to convey something, but the message isn’t getting across to the other person.

April [00:14:59]:
Yeah. Personally, sometimes my sadness at, you know, anything, really mostly about things that I feel significantly sad about, comes across angry. I am more comfortable with the feeling of anger than I am of sadness. And so it’s kind of hard for me to portray that without, you know, snapping at my husband. And I don’t ever feel like he’s done anything wrong. It’s just me conveying my feelings in the wrong way. And so really, you know, getting a hold of that and explaining to him, like, no, I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything to make me react that way.

April [00:15:38]:
It wasn’t your fault. That was my bad. That has been Something that I’ve had to work on significantly.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:45]:
Yeah, I can understand that too. It’s very hard not to. Not to respond with the anger emotion, especially when you’re feeling anxious or hurt or sad. I tend to. I can get pretty critical of my partner also, but not. Not so much when I’m sad, but especially if I feel like my feelings have been hurt. Anger, I think, is probably the go to. There is something about anger that makes it feel so much more safer to express than those deeper, more vulnerable emotions.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:18]:
And so the times where you said you mentioned, like, your husband had to push through to really share some more vulnerable emotions. And so the times where you guys shared those vulnerable emotions, it sounded like that helped bring you closer together.

Infertility Struggles and Empathy Connection

April [00:16:35]:
Oh, yeah. I think that was something that has helped us get through, you know, infertility and my health issues, which kind of go hand in hand. But yeah, it’s helped to hear it from his side too. So I know that I’m not the only one who’s sad. And he felt that he couldn’t really convey sadness to me without feeling like he was blaming me.

And he never wanted me to feel like it was my fault because, you know, the things wrong with my body are not my fault. And so I definitely think it brought us closer because I felt that we were on the same page and I saw, you know, more into his heart and how he truly felt about it, and that was comforting. I know it sounds silly to say I’m glad that he’s sad, but it was almost like being glad that we were on the same page.

April [00:17:26]:
Not necessarily glad that he’s sad, but in those emotions together.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:31]:
Yeah, you’re not alone in the emotion. You. You guys are there in the same place together, which is all I think we ever need in a relationship is to know that I’m not here alone in what I’m going through, but that I have someone else who I can, you know, who’s beside me. I can hold their hand, and we are going to be in this together. So you also mentioned love languages. Do you know what your guys’s love languages are?

April [00:17:56]:
Yeah. So mine tends to be acts of service and physical affection, and his is words of affirmation. I would say his is 90% words of affirmation and like 10% acts of service.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:12]:
Ah, okay. Whereas your. Your acts of service is very high.

April [00:18:16]:
Yes. And physical affection, I want to say it’s about 50, 50 for me, honestly.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:21]:
Okay. Yeah. And so that doesn’t always match up well with his. I was thinking about how he has, like, he didn’t open up really for a while, it sounds like. And his intention was that he didn’t want to blame you. So his intention was very caring, but that’s not what came across to you. And it’s this kind of the same thing here with the love languages. If he’s, you know, showering you with words of affirmat intention, his intention is real great, but it’s not getting across to you because you guys have different love languages.

April [00:18:56]:
Yeah. And I feel that I’m a strong believer in actions speak louder than words. And I feel that is, you know, definitely apparent in my, you know, love languages. I. Someone could tell me they love me all day long, but if they’re not acting like it, I probably won’t believe them. And so that’s something big for me. Again, coming from an abusive relationship. My ex was the first to tell me he loved me, but he did not.

April [00:19:25]:
And he made that very evident in the way he treated me. And so it took me a long time to read those actions instead of listening to what he said, because he was a very smooth talker, but it was not right.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:36]:
Yeah, that makes so much sense that you need proof.

April [00:19:39]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:40]:
Yeah. You need hard, Hard evidence, so to say. Not. Not promises. Yeah. So I know one of the things that you had before we, you know, started recording, we had talked about, like, how do you navigate through a relationship when you have different love languages? And so I have a couple of thoughts about that. Do you mind if I just kind of roll into that?

April [00:20:03]:
Absolutely. Go for it.

Balancing Opposite Love Languages Effectively

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:05]:
I was thinking the first thing is maybe, like, the importance of showing appreciation after a partner does speak your language. Like you said, physical touch is 50, 50 with acts of service. And for me and my partner, we have a primary and secondary, both of us. And physical touch is secondary, but it’s not primary for either of us. And so we can kind of get by. And it’s. It’s helpful that way. But especially when your love language, like, is really opposite of your partner’s love language, it can be very, very challenging.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:45]:
And so they are really trying hard, like really reaching hard when they do something that fits your love language, because it’s not natural.

April [00:20:54]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:55]:
Well, maybe this is obvious statement, but I was going to say it’s like learning a new language. And that’s a. That’s kind of like an idea that comes up a lot in parenting. You may have heard of this concept. But positive reinforcement, like, the more I am encouraged and. And shown appreciation for what I am doing, the More I’m gonna do it. If I get. And this is something that I work on in my relationship.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:22]:
Like, I. I just caught myself doing it the other day. My spouse was making me dinner. It was like eggs and there were vegetables in the eggs. And he did it a certain way. And I was about to jump in and say, why did you do it that way? That’s not how to do it. It’s just eggs. Right.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:41]:
But I had to catch myself and realize, wait, that’s actually an act of service. Right. He’s showing me love right now by making me dinner. And if I jump in and say, you’re doing it wrong, then he’s not really going to want to keep doing that. Instead, I need to, like, show appreciation. Like, ah, thanks.

April [00:22:02]:
Yeah, that’s a good reminder for me. Thinking about some stuff now.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:08]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s so hard to do. And it’s not always coming from a critical place. Like, I wasn’t intending to be critical. I was just thinking, like, why did you do it that way? That’s not how I would have done it. It’s confusing to me that you would do it that way.

April [00:22:25]:
It reminds me of how my husband cleans the kitchen. I’m just like, why are you. Why? But I catch myself saying, no, you know, yeah, fine. At least he’s cleaning the kitchen.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:35]:
Yeah. And he’s doing it out of love. I think the other thing is, is sometimes kind of like recognizing and having a little bit of acceptance that their language is a little bit different. So they even, especially in that early stage when people are navigating it towards the beginning, like, they may be putting in a lot of effort to speak your love language, but the natural thing, you know, it’s going to be normal to go back to what feels natural. And so if they, if he then started. You said words of affirmation. Right. So if he then started doing.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:14]:
Complimenting you and showing appreciation, like, trying to also recognize that those are moments he’s attempting to show love, even if it’s not coming across to you and is not impacting you the way that. That is really meaningful. I think I’m actually more of a quality time person. And so I, and I. I think my partner is pretty acts of service. And then. And then, you know, like, physical touch would be the secondary one.

April [00:23:42]:
But I also think quality time plays into mine a lot too, which I’ve feel like I view quality time as kind of both like an act of service and also physical touch.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:53]:
Yeah, it really can be.

Prioritizing Family Over Hobbies

April [00:23:55]:
Which is kind of yeah. So, like, when my husband, you know, takes time and chooses to, you know, do something with me or, you know, me and my son and have that instead of, you know, you know, going out with his buddies or playing games or, you know, doing something else.

Not that those are bad things, but, you know, seeing that he chooses us over other things really speaks to me as, like, an act of service. And then more often than not, when we go out as a family, we’re, you know, holding hands or, you know, giving hugs, and my son loves to give us kisses back and forth, which I think is really cute.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:31]:
That is really cute. Yeah. I think the. What. What always helped me understand, like, how quality time stood out is that it’s about undivided attention. So if. If I am with my partner, but I’m on my phone, it’s not really quality time.

April [00:24:48]:
Completely agree. Yeah. Yeah. That’s something that I find myself, you know, realizing a lot. Like, we might think it’s quality time, but, you know, that our phones are out, the TV’s on, you know, that kind of thing. And there’s really more distraction than quality.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:01]:
Exactly. Yeah. Whereas acts of service. I tend to think about it like you’re. My partner is helping me take things off my to do list. They’re. They’re helping me get things done that are pressing that I need to get done. So I really love talking about love languages.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:22]:
There’s actually Dr. Gary Chapman, who wrote the book on love languages. He wrote a version that’s specific for military couples. I love that book. I like the one because in that book it has, like, tips for deployment.

April [00:25:39]:
Yes, that’s one something that we were really liking. We haven’t been through deployment yet, so I think that’ll be helpful for when that time does come.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:49]:
Yeah, absolutely.

April [00:25:50]:
While we’re talking about books, do you mind if I ask if you have any other recommendations for good marital health books?

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:55]:
Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I have actually have, like, a whole recommendations page on my website, so it’ll be in the show notes, but it’s. It’s ElizabethPolinskyLCSW.com recommendations. I’ll also include the links to some of these books in the show notes, But I think the number one book that I like to recommend is hold me tight by Dr. Sue Johnson.

April [00:26:22]:
I’m a SAP.

Couples Therapy: Overcoming Common Divorce Triggers

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:23]:
So, yeah, yeah, it fits really well with the type of couples therapy that I do, which is all about understanding the type of patterns that couples get stuck in, changing those patterns in order to have, like, that deep emotional connection. And typically that’s through Sharing pretty vulnerable things.

She has a lot of good books. I think, you know, the military edition of five Love languages is really great. There are some other ones related to sex that I think are really helpful. That’s one of the top three things that. That lead to divor is one of the arguments and. And discord around sex is one of the top three areas that are common factors that lead to divorce.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:12]:
And so.

April [00:27:13]:
Interesting.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:14]:
Yeah. And it, I think, off. Well, I could talk about that for a long time, so I probably won’t, but. But sexual issues often come up. They’re very frequently talked about in couples therapy. And so there are some really great, great books that are on the website there too. So I’ll. Yeah, I’ll list them all.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:36]:
All in the show notes. Yeah. But I think to get back to your. To the topic of love languages, one of the things that was. It was actually in Dr. Chapman’s book, the military edition of the love languages book was recognizing that it’s my partner’s choice when to show love.

April [00:27:54]:
Yep.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:55]:
And that I read that and I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, because so often I want my partner to show me love, and I want him to show it to me when I want him to show it to me and in the way that I want him to show it to me. And I had to sort of, like, remind myself that I can’t force my partner to love me or to show it in a certain way, but to instead really appreciate it when they are. Are choosing to show it to me.

April [00:28:25]:
Yes. I definitely have that issue as well.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:28]:
Yeah. Very hard, common issue, I think.

April [00:28:31]:
Makes me feel a little better.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:32]:
Very common issue. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You should definitely not blame yourself for that. That’s, you know, I think it’s very common, almost universal problem. We all want what we want when we want it. Yeah, We’re.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:50]:
We’re kind of out of time. We’re getting close to being out of time anyway. And I wanted to just ask you a little bit about, like, if you had tips for things for. For other couples who’ve gone through either similar experiences or similar challenges or. Or if it’s other military couples, what do you think would be, you know, the top one or two points that you would want to share?

Effective Weekly Communication for Couples

April [00:29:19]:
I really think, you know, communication is key, and I hear people say that all the time, but I really believe it’s true. Honest communication and talking to your spouse about how you feel is so important. Having a regular. I want to. I don’t want to use the word meeting because that Sounds really professional. But my husband and I try to have, like, weekly meetings about things that we can, you know, do better things.

We’ve done good things that have gone, good things haven’t, you know, what we can do to move forward, how the week, you know, has gone, has gone, what we need to do for next week, you know, stuff like that. Just to talk about, you know, where we are and check up on our love tanks, as we like to call it.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:58]:
Yeah, you need a full love tank. If it’s empty, then there are problems. Yeah.

April [00:30:03]:
And I feel like a lot of the times people, you know, have a hole in their love tank and they’re trying to fix it with duct tape, and that’s not really how to do that. And so there are ways that you can fix it in a more constructive way. I feel like a lot of people a lot of the time try to fix a problem by doing something that’s really going to make it worse.

And that makes me sad when I, when I, you know, hear about things like that. And I just think there’s a constructive way to fix, you know, really almost any issue. And so I just think healthy communication is where that starts.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:30:40]:
Yeah, I absolutely agree. And I love that you do those weekly check ins. We do monthly ones and I, yeah, I often recommend that to couples. And in fact, I recommended that to my physical therapist today when I was chatting with her. Those having regular check ins, I think are so helpful because they provide, like, if you’re on a date night and something happens, you don’t always want to talk about it right away, but then, you know that there’s a dedicated time for us to talk about how things are going.

April [00:31:10]:
I agree. And I think that is another way to stop, you know, you know, having multiple arguments is just to, you know, that there’s one time to talk about this and talk about it and we move on. And there doesn’t need to be, you know, a whole long, drawn out argument about it. It could just be a statement that isn’t a personal attack. Therefore, it’s easier to deal with.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:31:31]:
Absolutely. Yeah. And so you’re not in the heat of the moment where attacks might come out. Yeah. So agree. Well, April, thank you so much for being on my podcast.

April [00:31:41]:
Thank you for having me. I’ve been really excited about this. I’m glad we found a good time for both of us.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:31:46]:
Yeah, me too. It has been very enjoyable. And I’m, I’m sure everyone else is going to love hearing both about your story and some of the things that have worked well for you guys in your relationship.

April [00:31:58]:
Well, I hope so. I hope I I can even help one person. It was worth it.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:11]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.