Things New Military Spouses Should Know

Episode Summary of “Things new military spouses should know”

Welcome to The Communicate & Connect Podcast, hosted by military marriage counselor Elizabeth Polinsky. In this episode, Elizabeth engages in a heartfelt conversation with Ashley, a courageous young woman who shares her personal journey as a former military spouse. Ashley candidly discusses the myriad of challenges that come with being part of a military relationship, from frequent relocations to the mental health struggles intensified by the lifestyle’s demands.

Listeners will gain a deep understanding of the critical importance of maintaining a robust support system, especially when dealing with depression and anxiety amidst constant change. Ashley emphasizes the necessity of having trusted people to lean on, both virtually and in-person, to navigate the emotional rollercoaster that comes with life as a military spouse. Elizabeth and Ashley also delve into the delicate balance of relying on your partner while ensuring self-reliance and independence.

This episode is rich with practical advice on enhancing communication and building trust within the unique dynamics of military relationships. Ashley highlights the value of being cautious with whom you confide in, illustrating how some friendships may bring supportive allies, while others could inadvertently introduce challenges into your personal life.

Furthermore, Ashley and Elizabeth explore the essential strategies for addressing relationship issues head-on. They advocate for open communication and setting dedicated times for discussions about relationship health, such as regular check-ins that focus on various aspects from finances to household responsibilities.

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Episode Transcript for “Things new military spouses should know”

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:02]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for Milit Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinski, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast. And if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

Ashley [00:00:59]:
Foreign.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:03]:
You’re listening to episode 15 on Things New Military Spouses Should Know. Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast. I’m really excited because today we have Ashley, who is here as a, as a guest for us and is going to talk a little bit about her experiences with military relationships and some of her recommendations for how to, I guess, like, really have the best type of relationship you can have and some of the things that she encountered and how she’s gone about handling them. Yeah, maybe I’ll just turn it over to you, Ashley, to just introduce yourself.

Ashley [00:01:46]:
Okay, well, I’m Ashley, of course, 23 years of age. I am divorced, but kind of want to go back over the relationship I did have and what I on my part could have done differently, especially with a sailor who is in a very vigorous program. And so I just wanted to really touch on your support system. So a lot of times people will move and you don’t have your support system there or you can’t take them with you.

So it’s more like a virtual support system. So don’t stop communicating, you know, with those back home. That is very detrimental to your relationship because you have two people in your relationship. That’s you and your lover, and you guys are relying on one another for not only your mental health, but your stability and just for everything to just kind of flow really well.

Ashley [00:02:41]:
You guys are, I know a lot of times a sailor or, you know, depending on which branch you’re in, is not home. Often you have alternating work schedules and that can be very difficult for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety, especially when I have excessive change. And me and military is not compatible. Change is like literally the military’s middle name. So just being prepared to have your support system when you move down there, it’s not like you’re able to just know who’s a friend and who’s not. And sad to say, it is kind of like that. So you got to be careful of who you speak to.

Ashley [00:03:22]:
Those things can run into problems at home as well as in your SO’s workplace. I’ve had my own experiences with online chats, groups through Facebook, just, you know, just needing some type of support. But you have to also understand and know that not everyone you should tell your business to, especially your personal business, did deal with some infidelity. And so obviously that’s against the ucmj.

So stating that publicly is not going to make it easy for you or your sailor or anyone else in your home. But it’s also very difficult to stay quiet, which is why I go back to the support system. That is what really honestly drives the relationship to a healthy, just a healthy place. You don’t want to rely too heavily on your partner for your mental stability.

Ashley [00:04:16]:
You also want to have other things that you can do. Think about different hobbies before moving to a place. Consider the place that you’re going to and what things they offer. I remember before my ex husband had wanted to move to Washington. And from my experience with rain and the changes of the weather and things like that, I personally wouldn’t be able to do no sunshine for however many days because of my depression. So for me that I would have had to find something else for me to do. Different coping mechanisms. So things like that, you really want to consider it, really?

Relationship Support: Navigating Challenges

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:54]:
Let me just make sure I’m following and I’m going to jump in a little bit. And your relationship, you were married to somebody who was in the Navy and then you were talking about how there were some struggles in the relationship. You mentioned infidelity. There were some struggles also because you said you have depression and anxiety and so you really wanted to rely on your partner for support, which is so natural.

Like my partner really should be my main support system, but maybe not the only one. And so that’s kind of what you’re advocating for, is make sure you have supportive people and that you kind of vet who you’re going to, that you’re not just going to anybody but people who can really truly be supportive of you and the relationship. Am I following that? Right?

Ashley [00:05:45]:
Yes, absolutely. You are. Yeah. That is point on. I know I’m a jumper, so sometimes I jump from topic to topic. But I’m not trying to, you know, go into, you know, depth of this story because everyone’s story is different. Everyone Encounters things differently. I kind of want to just kind of take what I went through and kind of give you guys my own feedback of what.

Ashley [00:06:06]:
What I could have done differently as well as what I noticed on his side that could have been done differently as well. Just kind of paying attention and being mindful of those things as well.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:18]:
So let’s take those one at a time, maybe. What were some of the big challenges? I know you mentioned them a little bit, like moving is sometimes a challenge. You said he kind of had a hectic job, I think.

Ashley [00:06:30]:
Yes. So I would say the top three things that were. I want to say the biggest struggle for me personally was I was coming from a home that I’ve lived a majority of my life in. So 19 years. Never moved, never lived anywhere else but that family home. So when I moved, that in itself was already a struggle. It was a culture shock. Moving to another area.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:57]:
Yeah, that’s so challenging.

Ashley [00:06:59]:
I didn’t do much research except for the base. And so I only did a little bit of research about the base. I didn’t really have any jobs in place or anything like that. And keep in mind, I’m also pregnant during this time. So it’s my first pregnancy.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:12]:
Yeah.

Ashley [00:07:13]:
Yes. And then also the third thing was not only moving and dealing, being that it was my first pregnancy, but I’ve never actually had to go through these things alone. So when my husband was, or ex husband, excuse me, was going through boot camp, my appointments that I had set for pregnancy, my mom or my best friend or my daughter’s godmom was coming to the appointments with me. But when I moved, everything I did was on my own. Everything.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:46]:
So that in itself was a job so challenging.

Ashley [00:07:49]:
Yes, it was extremely challenging for me. So in order to cope, I obviously didn’t cope very well. So I did rely on relationships and trying to form bonds with people, but I didn’t know who the right people were, who to talk to. And I also didn’t have anything in place for, you know, my own. My own, like myself, you know, postpartum is real. And depression, incest during pregnancy is very real. And sometimes it can be worse during pregnancy or it can be worse after pregnancy. For me, it was worse after.

Postpartum Challenges and Life Changes

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:23]:
That is so common. Actually, if you don’t mind, I’ll just jump in right there a lot. This is really common and it doesn’t get talked about as much as I really think it should, but right after, like the birth of your first child, it’s actually the most challenging period in time for couples because Your whole entire life is changing.

And for you specifically, Ashley, like, not only, not only is your relationship changing and your life is changing and now you’re also a mom and taking on like a new identity as a mom, but you also had moved to a new place without your support system. And so I am, I’m not surprised to hear that you were feeling the weight of that and that you were having more depression afterwards because that really is common for, for a lot of women after the birth of their, their first child. And you know, they don’t even have all of all this stuff with moving and military life that, that they might have to deal with.

Ashley [00:09:17]:
Yeah. Not having those things down packed. And then also on top of that, you’re like, like so many firsts are happening at one time. And so I think that was the biggest big stressor was just so many things happening at one time that I didn’t know exactly how to do. And then I also didn’t have anyone, you know, right there or at least know anyone who could help me navigate. So I knew nothing about an ombudsman. That was, that’s. That is like your primary thing.

Ashley [00:09:47]:
You, you need to know about that. I went to a spouse 101 class. That did help, but I started distancing myself from. Because of the constant change and noticing not being able to keep the relationships. Another thing was, was very scary for me was building a relationship and then those people moving away.

That is something that was super difficult for me because I knew how long I was going to be there for because he had just started school, he had three schools to go to. And I was meeting people who had already exited or was stationed there just for a period of time and left. So that is also in itself was very difficult was getting to know new friends over and over again.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:29]:
And then you finally develop a friendship and then they move.

Ashley [00:10:32]:
Yes, and then they move. But there is no shame in keeping in contact. I have a friend who I still keep in contact today. We both had our first child there about two weeks apart. So basically she was moving over and we ended up knowing each other prior to her moving over.

And we got to build this Internet relationship sort of when we got in person, we spent all of our time together as much as we could, you know, when we weren’t with our, our husbands. And then when we parted and she ended up moving and I was still down there, or excuse me, I ended up moving back home and she was still down there and we still have that relationship. She’s moved to two Other places since, and we have been still communicating.

Ashley [00:11:15]:
So there are potential relationships you can have.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:18]:
So there are ones that are going to be good, that you’re going to have strong, positive relationships, and they’re going to have your back. And then there are others that are not always gonna be there to have your back.

Ashley [00:11:30]:
Yes. And unfortunately, I guess I kind of tied it to, oh, you know, they’re in the military. They’re not gonna do anything bad to me. You know, this is like, that’s just my automatic thought. I don’t know why exactly. They’re harmless. You know, they’re gonna. You know, other mothers are going through the same thing.

Ashley [00:11:46]:
So in my mind, I was like, there’s no way, you know, that people are gonna do anything. You know, there won’t be too much drama or whatever or anything like that. Well, it’s the same as outside of the military lifestyle. There’s drama in it, there’s drama outside of it. You have to really just know, just like from your own natural. Like, when you meet someone, you kind of have a vibe there. You kind of know. But it’s the same with your military.

Military Life: Navigating Privacy and Trust

Ashley [00:12:14]:
With military, you know, you just want to know who to talk to. I think the biggest struggle with finding friends is you have a relationship with your so and so do they. So at times when you’re speaking something to another wife or a husband, they may say that to their spouse, and then that then on goes to whoever else’s spouse and whoever else’s marriage and family and whatever else.

So that is also something you have to consider that not everybody’s mouths remained closed about your personal business. You have to be very careful. And some people, just like a mandated reporter, are supposed to report things, especially if they feel the need to. So if you are reporting any type of abuse in your home or anything like that, you want to be very sure and very understanding that these people do have jobs. And when they find these things out, you have to understand that that’s their protocol.

Ashley [00:13:12]:
That’s something that they have to do.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:14]:
Yeah, they’re required to report things like that.

Ashley [00:13:17]:
And if something were to happen to you and they knew, that falls on them. So being a mandated reporter myself for children, I now kind of understand that a lot more. It did make things a little difficult at home, though. But I’m happy I spoke out because at least someone knew in the event of, you know, something could have happened, you know, something could have occurred. But yes, I wholeheartedly believe, you know, just be careful who you talk to. And some People, they just use those things and they may use it in spite of you. So. But that’s the world.

Ashley [00:13:52]:
It’s not just the military, it’s outside of the military.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:56]:
Very true. This is something that I end up talking a lot about with people who I end up working with in therapy. Usually more so the individuals over the couples. But I think it really applies to the. To like military spouses also is that like you have to give people time to earn your trust. Like in a new.

In a new friendship, you know, you maybe want to like give them a little something and see how they do. Once you’ve told them that, can they be somebody who is going to be trustworthy? Are they going to keep your confidence and not go telling other people about it? The part about mandated reporting is really, really important because depending on what you tell them, they may be required.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:37]:
So maybe they were are like a trustworthy person, a really great friend who would keep your information private, but because you told them something that was like a certain severity level, they are then required to report it. But outside of that, when it’s kind of just a typical situation, it is really important to kind of test people out first and see and let the trust build over time, I think.

Ashley [00:15:02]:
Yeah, definitely. It definitely helps. Another thing that I started doing was I wanted to. When I had my daughter, I started meeting other mothers and so kind of having more so of a support group for pregnant women, women who are postpart. And that helped a lot more. So I kept my relationship out of things and just involved myself and my daughter. So it gave us a chance to get out the house. We brought our little kiddos, took them to a.

Petting Zoo and Social Connections

Ashley [00:15:31]:
I can’t remember exactly what it was called, but it was like a zoo and you were able to pet the animals, feed lemurs and all different types of animals that I haven’t even seen before. So that was very cool. And a lot of military wives and other people who’ve been there longer know about the area. So that in itself is also good. Also just reaching out, out for that.

You don’t have to necessarily talk about your personal business to have friends. You can have friends that you just do social things with, go out to eat with, or you guys do some motherly things together. I know I had a group of friends where we would go to Hobby Lobby and look for stuff to do, or we would bake together and we would just share our previous stories before marriage and kind of just get to know each other.

Ashley [00:16:17]:
So that was awesome as well. Just to kind of get a break, because spouses do deal with a lot of the military things. I know a lot of people feel like almost like pawns in the military because they kind of have to go where their soul goes. You do have a choice, but it’s almost like you’re moving with them, and it’s almost like your life isn’t your own. But I try to tell them your life is your own. You have the ability to, you know, kind of live with the military, and sometimes it can be hard for others.

Military Life: Balancing Independence & Relationships

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:51]:
Sort of like finding your way to be independent as much as possible. The military is controlling so much of your life, or at least there are no great options. Like, if you want to be with your significant other, then you kind of got to go along with a lot of what the military says or asks you to do as a family.

And so you’re saying hold on to as much independence as you can. And I think the other thing I heard you say was that you can have levels of friends. Like, not every friend that you form has to be like the person that you bear your soul to. It could be somebody that you socialize with.

Ashley [00:17:27]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:28]:
And go out and do fun things.

Ashley [00:17:31]:
Definitely. I feel like a lot of people, when you go into the military or your family becomes a military family, you kind of forget that. It’s almost. It’s similar to just not being. Just being civilian in general. You just kind of have. You have level of friends already. Think about when you’re back home and those friends that you talk to.

Ashley [00:17:53]:
But there’s certain things you don’t talk about with them because, you know, they may speak or say something or even then. I had friends who. My trauma was a trigger for them. I couldn’t talk about those things.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:07]:
The things you had gone through.

Ashley [00:18:08]:
Yes, the things I had gone through. So it’s always different levels. It doesn’t matter who it’s up to you, who you choose to hold closest to you. Don’t get me wrong, you will have those personal relationships, those people who you can talk to about anything. But you also have to go through those motions of knowing who to not talk to and who to talk to about certain things. So it’s a process. You have to get to know them. And being that sometimes time is an urgent thing, you don’t really get to build that relationship necessarily before they get shipped off to their next location.

Ashley [00:18:49]:
So I know some I was worried about, like, you know, just trying to find a relationship now, friendship now. Someone who can be my best friend today. And our children grow up together, you know, like. But it’s not like that. It’s with any type of situation where you have to, you have to grow, you have to let the relationship grow.

You don’t want to force anything and you want to make sure you’re safe as well. Because like I said, it did make things at home a little troublesome when things in the classroom started being spoken about, about our relationship. And so, you know, then that leads you to kind of distance yourself from other people.

Ashley [00:19:26]:
And I was afraid to be friends with anybody. So.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:30]:
So when you, when you first started talking, you mentioned that there were some things that you thought you could have potentially in the relationship that maybe would have helped, that you wanted to share. What were some of those things?

Ashley [00:19:44]:
I really feel like I could have done my research, really found out who I could have spoken to about these things. There are legal, excuse me, not legal, but people who are registered to help you during these times. So counselors. I know some people don’t believe in a psychiatrist due to the. Sometimes they are able to administer medication. I was one of those. I did not want to be on Medicare medication for any depression or anxiety.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:11]:
As a therapist, I’m so pro psychiatrists and medication, it can be so, so helpful for people.

Ashley [00:20:18]:
Yes, it can. It definitely can. I just felt like for me it took my. It felt like it took me out of myself just to make decisions for me. I didn’t want to rely on the medication, so to say I wanted to rely on my own coping systems because I felt like before I was okay. So how can I get back to that or how can I get to a better me through that I found out that I didn’t have to talk to all the wives.

I could have spoken to a counselor. There’s counselors in Fleet and Family who you can visit, who are covered, who you can talk to about anything as long, just like any reporter, as long as it doesn’t involve self infliction of, you know, harm to yourself or others, then you know, they won’t say anything.

Ashley [00:21:06]:
So you have someone you can confide in anytime. I also found out that not only Fleet and Family, but you have family advocacy.

Therapy and Medication: Optimal Mental Health Approach

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:15]:
So right before you go into family advocacy, I want to just add something about Fleet and Family services because those are really, really helpful and beneficial for a lot of people. And I think what you said about like you wanted to make sure you had your coping skills in place and not rely solely on medication. That really is the benefit of having a counselor because things are confidential, you know, that you’re working on it, on changing your life, so that way your life is enjoyable again and it’s not just relying on medications.

And I think really, for a lot of people, the combination of therapy and medication can be. Can be really, really helpful. One thing that I wanted to point out, just because I know not a lot of people have like all the knowledge in terms of. Of medications, and I definitely wouldn’t call myself an expert on it, but for a lot of mental health medications, it can take one to two years. Messing with the dose and what type of medication for it to be like the right combination for somebody.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:16]:
So I think if. If they did decide to go on a medication route or medication in conjunction with therapy, I always recommend therapy also because. Because two years can be a long time to wait for improvement and therapy could be something that helps you so much faster.

Ashley [00:22:32]:
Yeah. And then each time you change your medication and know that they like you to at least wait 30 days before, you know, changing something to something else or upping a dose or anything like that. So regardless, being in therapy definitely helps that they can monitor, you know, just kind of watch you and see how things go, how you communicate with them. It can change.

Even if it’s just a slight change, they can tell this is someone who you’ve been speaking to. So that’s why I say therapy is awesome. Because if you’re continuously going, this person knows you just like a friend will know you just like you know them. And they’re able to kind of guide you and help you out to figure out the best decisions.

Ashley [00:23:12]:
And they’re not there to, you know, here send you off with medication and let you go. That’s not their job description. Of course. It goes into detail of finding out, you know, who’s best for you, what exactly what methods are best for you as well. But I wouldn’t shut out medication wholeheartedly. It’s just for me personally, personally, I just felt like it wasn’t the time.

And also a lot of pregnant women don’t know, but when you are pregnant and postpartum, your OB GYN is allowed to actually give you medications for anxiety and depression because it is real during pregnancy and afterwards that don’t harm the baby. So I just wanted to put that out there.

Ashley [00:23:51]:
I found out after postpartum that that was possible. So just kind of trying to throw out some different things that I didn’t even know were there and just throw those out there as well.

Top Divorce Lessons for Healthy Relationships

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:03]:
Yeah. So I know we maybe have about 10 minutes left, so I want to make sure. Like I had asked you prior to this interview, like, if there were just like a couple of takeaways from your experience. You sort of alluded to there were some really negative experiences that happened in your relationship.

And there were a lot of challenges also for you that were not part of the relationship itself, like struggles with the move and finding friends, but that they had a very real impact on the relationship. And you said it led to divorce. So looking back, what are maybe like the top points that you would want someone else to know or that you wish you had known that we can make sure other people know who want to make sure that they have the best type of relationship they can.

Ashley [00:24:53]:
I’d say number one is solidify your support system. This is your virtual support system. This is everyone back home that you used to talk to. Don’t cut those relationships off just because you’ve moved or limit the talking. It is possible to maintain those relationships just like it is through long distance. It is difficult. It is challenging, but it is not impossible. So hold on to those relationships.

Ashley [00:25:20]:
Don’t be fearful of having relationships and also just being very secure in what you say, what you do and how you act, because it does reflect your military service member. Unfortunately, it does. What we do does affect them. I’d say thirdly would be just be mindful. There are people who are there to help spouses who don’t understand, who need help navigating. I am one of those spouses who didn’t have their service member all the time and they’re learning, too. So when my service member went in, I was just learning about the military and he was as well. So we were both learning.

Ashley [00:26:01]:
So I was able to find out there are services and support. It is listed on your Facebook pages tied to that base. You can also contact your ombudsman and there is information there for you, specifically what you are entitled to, things to help you with. School, continuing education, anything. They have it all. And I think the last thing would be, if you are in need of help in your marriage, confide in the person you have the issue with first.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:34]:
That’s so important. That hit home for me.

Ashley [00:26:39]:
It’s very scary to say, okay, look, I’m really upset with you because you don’t come home enough or whatever it is. But it is very expensive, extremely important. Because if they are unaware, they cannot read your mind. They will not know. You need to be aware. They’re going through their own struggles just like you are. So just sit down, have a conversation, talk. There are counselors on Base, just like I said, Fleet and family, they have counseling for you as long as no abuse or you don’t have anything open in family advocacy, if there is any abuse present, you can go to a family advocacy.

Ashley [00:27:17]:
So there are things that you can do and there are things in place to help your marriage get through whatever it is, even if it’s just the military change, all of it. So you are not alone. That is the one thing I have to continuously say. You are not alone. You have sources. You have people who are there to help you, and just look into those sources. Do not stop researching those sources. They are there to help you regardless of what base you go to.

Ashley [00:27:44]:
And they’re all around you.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:45]:
Yeah, I love that. So often we. I think we all need to be reminded of what we have access to in terms of support and that we really aren’t alone. We just have to reach out to what’s around us, whether those are our friends and family that are back home or whether that’s like the professionals in the community around us.

So I also want to make sure that I just kind of COVID anything as a marriage therapist myself. If there are questions that you have that you think are important for people who maybe have been in a similar situation as you, that I might be able to answer, any questions come to mind.

Ashley [00:28:26]:
Someone who has any type of relationship troubles, what do you think would be the first couple of healthiest steps with your service member or even with someone outside of the service member? What are the first, I guess three or so steps, if there’s more that you should take when you’re just feeling like you have some issues at home?

Effective Communication in Relationships

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:47]:
Yeah, I think. And actually, I think I’m going to steal this from you because you said it earlier, but I think the very first thing is you got to talk about it with your partner. You have to just. And that is so hard for so many people, so many couples. It’s really hard to say I’m not happy about these parts of our relationship, and we got to do something about them for them to be better.

And, you know, most partners also don’t like to hear that it’s very, very difficult situation. But, yeah, the very first one, you know, I think that’s why I named this podcast the Communicate and Connect podcast, is because communication is so foundational. Like, the very first thing is you got to tell each other this is what’s working, and this is not working for me and my partner.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:35]:
Something that we do that’s really helpful that I think is.

Ashley [00:29:38]:
Is.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:39]:
Is something that I would recommend to a lot of couples is to have a once a month meeting. So we, we meet once a month and we cover all of these different areas of our relationship, from the financial things going on to any big fights that we had. We go over them. Did they get resolved? Are there any lingering feelings that we need to address to our sex life to how is it going with household chores? Do we feel like that’s pretty evenly distributed? If we have family related topics, we cover that.

So we take one Sunday morning or Saturday morning a month and we cover all of these different topics. And we really wanted to get into the habit of doing that even when our relationship was going well. So that way, when there are challenges, you know, we already have an avenue to bring them up. Because that can be something that’s difficult for couples is like, I want to enjoy our time together, especially if they’ve been fighting a lot.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:30:42]:
If there’s been a lot of fighting, then there’s this, you know, they’re kind of stuck. Do I bring up, do I bring this up now when it could cause a fight? And what I really want to do is just enjoy my time with my partner, or do I sweep it under the rug and not bring it up? Or do I bring it up later? And it can be really hard to figure that out. So having a once a month meeting, I think is, at least for us, has worked really, really well to provide a space for those conversations that doesn’t detract from our quality time and just enjoying the relationship.

Ashley [00:31:18]:
Yes, that’s a huge win right there. It’s like just taking away the time from, like, say you’re having a date night, you don’t want to talk about those very serious things on date night. I was afraid of, you know, ruining the mood or ruining the night, you know, so set aside in that time. That is perfectly said. I love that.

Addressing Relationship Hurt Effectively

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:31:40]:
So the, the last thing I would say is that if it is something that you’re going to bring up, like if you absolutely cannot enjoy date night because of what just happened and you need to bring it up right then a lot of people, when they feel hurt, they get critical. And so this is the biggest thing. Instead of telling their partner, hey, when you just said that, that hurt my feelings. I thought you, you know, didn’t respect me or I thought you were making fun of me.

Like, I have this thing that happens a lot in, in my relationship where my partner will laugh at me and he says he laughs at me because he thinks I’m adorable. But every single Time he does this laugh, I think he’s making fun of me. And so if I responded and I said, like in an angry way, stop laughing at me, or if I got critical of him, then that’s just gonna cause us to have a fight that continues because he’ll get defensive. Like, if one person gets critical, the other person gets critical back or defensive.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:43]:
It’s like almost like math, you know.

Ashley [00:32:46]:
Like just go back and forth and it doesn’t really solve anything. It makes the problem deeper and then adds an additional issue, which is that. And kind of goes over. It’s like you’re playing. It’s like you’re playing tag. It’s like you’re playing phone tag with someone. It doesn’t ever get solved. And you’re just going around in circles over and over again.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:07]:
It’s like, yes, exactly. So I always tell people, like, you gotta go more vulnerable. You gotta tell them your feelings were hurt and how it made you feel. It made you feel like you were being made fun of. To go with my example. Right. Your partner cares about you. That’s why they’re there with you.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:27]:
If they know that they impacted you that way, they can then turn and say, oh my gosh, I didn’t want. I don’t want you to feel like I’m making fun of you. That was not my intention at all. And then you guys can repair. But if you get. If you respond with the sort of criticism, then they’re not going to hear the message that they had hurt your feelings.

Timing Conversations Respectfully and Effectively

Ashley [00:33:48]:
Yeah. I think I have one last question that actually made me think of, I’m a right now type of person where I want to talk about it right now in this moment, but it may not be the best time. So what would you say to those, how to go about having this conversation? One of those things that I dealt with was being respectful of other people’s space when they’re not ready to talk or when it’s not a good time.

When is a good time? I know it goes back to setting time, but specifically when it is an urgent matter and you’re kind of at a kind of like a. Almost like a halt, what can you do to kind of just ease the conversation in? And what kind of dialect should there be to make sure there’s no blame being specifically placed and making the person feel defensive?

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:34:37]:
Yeah, that’s a great question. So there are maybe. I think there are like multiple points to that question. So I’m gonna, I’m gonna try to make sure I get them all and if I leave one at you, let. But the time that I want to talk to my partner is not always the time that my partner wants to talk or is even available to talk, you know, if they’re at work or if they’re working on a project that they’re in the middle of.

And that can be so hard for the person who wants to talk, because, you know, the person who wants to talk is just thinking, you know, this is on my mind. I need to get it fixed. We have to address this.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:35:09]:
And it. And it kind of feels like, you know, how are we going to be okay in the relationship unless we talk about this right now? I think. I think it’s perfectly fine, you know, to say, this is really bothering me. I’m feeling a lot of anxiety. There’s a lot of pressure inside of me to get this resolved quickly.

I really need us to talk about it soon. When can you talk about it? And sort of you can say, yeah, it’s okay that you can’t talk about it right now, but it is really pressing, and we got to talk about it soon. When is a good time? And have them come back and say, okay, just let me finish this thing, or just let me run to the bathroom, or let me.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:35:46]:
When I get home from work, that’s when we can talk about it. So that was the first thing. And then I think there was a second part in there about how to not be critical.

Ashley [00:35:55]:
Yeah. Like, respectfully, like, with one another, making sure, like, there’s certain words that are triggers for people who make them kind of go to the far right of things and just completely ignore what we’re talking about. So, like, just kind of trying to not step on any toes? Pretty much, yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:36:16]:
That’s hard. If you’re in a relationship, you’re gonna step on each other’s toes. That’s, like, unavoidable, I think. And that’s part of. As you go along in your relationship and you get to know each other more and more, you learn what those triggers are. And I think it’s hard. This is where you have to get kind of vulnerable and tell your partner, hey, these are triggers. When you say words like this, I get really defensive.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:36:45]:
I get angry. Like, on a smaller level, I could say for me, personally, when my husband does that laugh, that’s kind of a trigger that I’m being made fun of. But he would never know that unless I didn’t, unless I told him. And so both partners, as triggers come up. They’ve got to be able to share and say, hey, that’s a raw spot for me right there. That’s a trigger. It really causes this big emotional reaction inside of me. And I think the, the other one is if I already know something’s going to be a trigger for them, then it’s hard.

Attention Seeking: Connection via Conflict

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:37:19]:
Without a more specific example, I’m guessing, like, if I, if I laughed and I knew my husband felt like I was making fun of him, when I would, when I would laugh, then I would ask myself, why am I laughing? Am I, am I actually maybe on some level wanting to hurt them? And I just had a conversation with a friend about this yesterday. Is that oftentimes just like with kids who want your attention? Or my dog even wants my attention, and if I don’t give him attention, he starts barking.

And kids, if they don’t have enough positive attention, then negative attention, they often, any attention is better than no attention at all. And so partners that are really longing to connect and get through and really all fights are about, let’s get on a good page again. I’m really longing to be on a good page with you.

And so if their partner hasn’t been responding to the more gentler requests for that reconnection, then people can get critical and they’ll push those raw buttons and they’ll know, even though I know this is a touchy word for you or it’s a trigger for you, they’ll say it because any attention is better than no attention at all. It’s better to fight because if we fight, then I know you care. And so that’s if that’s happening.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:38:41]:
I often would say couple therapy is the best thing because it really helps couples get underneath that pattern and recognize what’s going on. And that when that happens, it’s really someone has been probably saying for some time, I really miss you and I want to connect you and I want things to be better. But it hasn’t been getting through. I guess that’s where the communication part comes back in and sending clear messages. We could talk for a long time about that, I think, but we are pretty close to out of time. Do you feel like I answered that sufficiently?

Ashley [00:39:17]:
Yes, I definitely do. I definitely wholeheartedly feel like you answered that as perfect as possible as it can get. I really enjoyed you answering those questions. Those were very critical for me. If I had asked those prior to. A lot of things could be worked out in different relationships and marriages. And this is something you can take through, through any relationship. This is not just your, you know, who you’re dating.

Ashley [00:39:49]:
It’s or who you’re married to. It’s also your friendships. You know, some people, you know, your friends know what buttons to press to get your reaction out of you too. So it’s through any relationship. So it’s very helpful and I really appreciate that.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:05]:
Yeah, you’re so welcome. I think those were are really important things and, and I can really relate to you. Like, I did not have very good relationship models growing up or like examples of positive relationships and I’ve had my share of pretty negative relationship experiences. It’s stuff that people don’t think about, you know, or they don’t even know. Like it doesn’t ever get taught. Yeah. Well, Ashley, we are very close to being out of time, so I’m going to go ahead and and bring us to an end. Do you have any last thoughts?

Ashley [00:40:41]:
Nope. Not at all.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:40:42]:
Okay. Well, thank you so much for for being willing to talk about your experiences on the podcast. I have really enjoyed our discussion and learning from you and I’m sure the audience is going to love it as well.

Ashley [00:40:55]:
You’re welcome. Thank you for having me.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:04]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement meant for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.