Love versus Career Dilemma with Chad Garrett

Episode Summary of “Love versus career dilemma with Chad Garrett”

Welcome to another insightful episode of The Communicate & Connect Podcast, the ultimate resource for navigating the intricate world of military relationships. In today’s episode, titled “Love Versus Career Dilemma with Chad Garrett,” host Elizabeth Polinsky, an experienced military marriage counselor, delves into the complex challenges of balancing love and a demanding career, particularly within the context of military life. Whether you’re a member of the armed forces or a supportive partner, this episode is tailored to provide you with the tools and understanding needed to thrive in your relationship.

Joining Elizabeth is Chad Garrett, a fellow podcaster and dedicated active-duty member of the United States Air Force. Chad brings a wealth of personal experience and a unique male perspective to the discussion. He shares his journey of navigating relationships amidst the unique demands of military service, offering candid insights into the difficulties of long-distance relationships, the impact of career ambitions on romantic connections, and the essential role of community and support systems.

With today’s fast-paced lifestyle and the added complexities of military service, maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship can be a formidable challenge. Chad and Elizabeth explore strategic ways to communicate effectively, manage personal ambitions, and prioritize romantic connections, ensuring their listeners have practical advice they can implement in their own lives.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone grappling with the challenging balancing act of love and career in a military setting. Don’t miss out on Chad’s personal anecdotes and the valuable lessons he’s learned along the way. Whether you’re currently dealing with long-distance separation or simply aiming to strengthen your relationship amidst career pressures, this episode will arm you with crucial insights and encouragement.

Guest Speaker Bio – “Chad Garrett”

Chad Garrett is the dynamic founder and owner of Forerunner Productions, a thriving podcasting company that produces a diverse network of shows. Under his leadership, the company currently hosts three distinctive podcasts. Among these is the West Meadow show, a collaborative platform where guests come together to exchange and refine diverse ideas and perspectives on life and culture. Additionally, Chad hosts the Chad Garrett show, a solo endeavor where he explores a wide range of topics that personally intrigue him. Through his innovative podcasting ventures, Chad continues to foster engaging conversations and thought-provoking content.

Free Relationship Pattern Assessment

Many couples assume they have a communication problem when they’re actually stuck in a relationship pattern that keeps creating the same conflict.

Take the free Relationship Pattern Assessment to discover what pattern may be keeping you stuck and learn what to focus on next.

👉 https://pages.communicateandconnect.com/relationship-quiz

Episode Transcript for “Love versus career dilemma with Chad Garrett”

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:02]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual, couples, and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.communicateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect Podcast for Milit Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinski, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast. And if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships. Listening to episode 14 on the love versus career dilemma with Chad Garrett. Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for Military Relationships.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:19]:
My name’s Liz and I’m really excited because today I have a pretty good friend of mine, Chad Garrett, who’s here to kind of give a male perspective on relationships and especially military relationships, and talk a little bit about his experiences. He’s also a podcaster, too, so I’m going to let him introduce himself and his podcast.

Chad Garrett [00:01:40]:
Well, I am so stoked to be on your show, Liz. I know that whenever we were first sitting down and talking about helping you start this thing up and helping you build out your ability to do remote interviews like we’re doing right now, that was a lot of fun and I’m really, really excited that I get to help you build out this, both behind the scenes and now actually getting to be a part of the podcast. So thank you so much for allowing me.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:05]:
Thank you.

Chad Garrett [00:02:06]:
And be a part of this. As you said, I am a podcaster myself. I actually own a podcasting company called Forerunner Productions and we produce a network of podcasts. Right now we have three shows, the first one being a show called the West Meadow show, which you will soon be making an appearance on.

And I’m so stoked to to be able to have you on that side of things. The West Meadow show is a group conversation where we take varying ideas and and perspectives on life and and different topics of culture. We talk about them, we sharpen each other with our ideas. The second show is my solo show, the Chad Garrett show, where I talk about anything that tickles my fancy.

Chad Garrett [00:02:49]:
I try and gear it towards motivational empowerment, leadership development, and spiritual readiness. But we also dives into things like Greek philosophy. We just did a series on the Greek philosophy aspect of antipsychlosis, which is called the we know it now as the cycle of regimes. I will soon be doing a series on C.S. lewis’s screw tape letters, so I’m super excited to dive into that. And the last show that we have is an interview based show. And the. The head host of that is my senior producer, Andre Donault.

Chad Garrett [00:03:23]:
And he sits down with influential people in our culture, both on a local level, a regional level, a national level, and an international level, when we can find them and figure out really just what makes them tick. The first episode of that he. I got lucky enough to be interviewed for that piece. So if you want a different side of me than the relationship side, that interview will be a great place to get to do that again. That’s Forerunner Productions for those of you that might want to check that out.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:55]:
Yeah. And we will include the link to that in the. In the show notes. Maybe we can start off by like with the fact that you’re in the military.

Chad Garrett [00:04:03]:
Yeah, this is true.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:06]:
Do you want to talk a little bit about, I don’t know, the branch you’re in or. Or your experience with the military or anything about that?

Chad Garrett [00:04:13]:
Of course, of course. So I am also, in lieu of owning my own media production company, I am also active duty in the United States Air Force. Whenever I signed up, I signed up to be a special operations guy. So I was going to be what is called a Tactical Air Control party member. That didn’t work out. And so I am now a client systems technician, which is fancy way of saying Air Force Geek Squad.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:40]:
Squad. I like that. That’s a fun name. So I feel like you should have T shirts. Air Force Geek Squad.

Chad Garrett [00:04:48]:
If I could get away with it and make that a new uniform, I would. Pocke pocket protector and all.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:55]:
Yes, I love that. Yeah. So. So maybe we should also tell people how we know each other. Do you want to share that or should I share that?

Chad Garrett [00:05:05]:
I’ll let you take the reins on this one.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:06]:
Okay. So as people know who have listened to this podcast or who know me, I am married and my husband and I do swing dancing. And we actually met. The way my husband and I met was through swing dancing. He does a lot of west coast swing and I do a lot of Lindy hop. And circumstances just somehow collided. I actually just randomly kind of knocked on his door and that’s how we met, which is really fun. But when we moved here, my spouse, he started teaching.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:42]:
He started teaching west coast dancing and. And I met Chad at our west coast dance this Is true.

Passion for West Coast Swing

Chad Garrett [00:05:49]:
So west coast swing is a huge passion of mine. I used to be a professional ballroom dancer in Atlanta, and in the midst of doing that, I stumbled upon west coast swing, Got involved in that. Took a hiatus from it when I joined the military, which broke my heart because it wasn’t an intentional hiatus. It was just because there wasn’t a lot of dancing.

Whenever I moved from San Antonio to Biloxi, there was a lot of dancing in San Antonio. I was very, very blessed that, that the year that I spent in San Ant Basic, I was able to start dancing pretty quickly. So then I moved to Virginia. When I moved to Virginia, I got plugged into the west coast swing community here.

Chad Garrett [00:06:26]:
And your husband, being the instructor or one of the instructors there, sort of was able to make introductions for us. And that is really, really awesome.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:37]:
Yeah. And I have. You’re like one of my favorite people that I’ve met there. We just, I feel like we always have such fun, interesting conversation. So I’m glad that, that we get.

Chad Garrett [00:06:48]:
To have better records. Are.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:50]:
Yeah.

Chad Garrett [00:06:50]:
It always ends up being like everyone’s going in and out of the house, getting drinks, watching tv, cracking jokes. It’s always just me and you out at the fire pit, just having some sort of like, really deep theological conversation. Not theology as in like religion, but theological or philosophical. That’s the word I’m looking for. Some type of deep philosophical conversation.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:08]:
Yeah. Yeah, I enjoy those a lot.

Chad Garrett [00:07:11]:
As do I.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:11]:
So. So, so far on this podcast, I’ve had quite a few military spouses. Most of them have been female. And so part of what I was really looking forward to is having a discussion with you from kind of a male perspective of someone who’s in the military about some of the relationship struggles that you’ve experienced in general or that have come along with military life.

Chad Garrett [00:07:37]:
Yeah, of course. So I guess the. The most appropriate place to start would be with my relationship. I met this young lady through dancing, and this is. This is about a year ago, and her and I split up in, in January, and I was. I was enraptured with this young lady. Like, we went to the. The 74th Air Force Ball together, and I was making trips out to where she lived because it was a long distance relationship.

Chad Garrett [00:08:06]:
So we met at a dance event in D.C. and naturally living in different places. I ended up doing a lot of traveling to get to. To see her and, and get to know her better. And one of the things that really caused that to come crashing down was the podcasting thing and the idea that I wanted to do public speaking and be a public figure as a. As a career. I had this big ambition, or I still have. Didn’t have.

Ambition and Long-Distance Relationship Challenges

Chad Garrett [00:08:34]:
It wasn’t a past tense. I have this massive ambition for what I want to do and what I want to accomplish in my life. And that, in a lot of ways, was one of the main catalysts. I think there were a lot of different things that fed into the end of that relationship, sadly, but it was very much death by a thousand cuts. I believe distance being one of them, because it. Rather than getting to be around each other enough to really be able to ask questions and get to know who each other are, it was in short spurts. And the short spurts were amazing. They were really, really amazing.

Chad Garrett [00:09:12]:
And I thought that I was going to marry this girl, full transparency. So when things ended, it threw me for a pretty good loop.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:20]:
Yeah, I remember when that happened. And I think if I were to think of how I would summarize the two big points that stood out to me from what you said is one is long distance. So many relationships don’t make it long distance, and some do. In those, I’m always like, wow, way to go. That’s amazing. But long distance is very challenging. It’s very hard because you. I think especially at the beginning stages of a relationship, you have to get to know each other and you have to be able to share these intimate details about your life to form that strong connection.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:03]:
And it’s over time of doing this consistently and being able to be there for each other that people develop these strong bonds in order to progress towards marriage. And with long distance, especially starting off that way, it’s so hard to have those.

Chad Garrett [00:10:19]:
And I feel a bit conflicted about it, about the distance thing. We have all this technology nowadays that should let us be able to connect with our significant other across long distances. There were nights where myself and this young lady would fall asleep together on. On like a Skype call because we just didn’t want to hang up the phone and just. Yeah, super sweet and sappy stuff like that. I threw that one in there because I know you.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:47]:
I love. Yeah, I love the sappy stuff. Yeah. So thank you. Yeah, I’ve got, like, little fun feelings right now.

Long-Distance Relationship Tips

Chad Garrett [00:10:54]:
And I would conspire with her roommate to bring her flowers when she wasn’t feeling good, and she would get video of it and send it to me of her taking it, taking it into her on her way to school and stuff. And there were all sorts of ways to use mutual friends and, like, I said before, especially technology to connect.

And when you look back at the period, say, let’s take the 1940s, for example, in World War II, I mean, it doesn’t get much longer distance than actually being across the pond, or worse, being across a country and then an ocean the size of a country on a bunch of little islands or a boat.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:35]:
True statement.

Chad Garrett [00:11:37]:
And so. And they didn’t have Zoom calls. They didn’t have these things. And even if they did have them, this is a time of war. We’re talking about the time period of World War II. And so through letters you have people being able to connect and stay together and work things out there. I found that there are more success stories coming out of World War II than there are detriment stories. And so I wonder why it seems so much harder for us to keep the longer distance relationships going in a time where the technology should make it easier for us to fill those divides.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:17]:
Yeah, I have some thoughts about that. I’ll just maybe like give the caveat that I am not like an expert. My PhD is not in, in long distance relationships, you know, but so that being said, what I. The things that come to my mind are one, it was a very different time.

And so sort of like the availability of partners wasn’t as frequent. Like I could, if I end a relationship now, I can get on Tinder or whatever other dating app. I could get professional dating service to match me up with someone, or I could just go like walk out to a brewery if you can find one open during COVID Right. The.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:05]:
And, and meet somebody. So the ability to meet a suitable partner, I think is higher and easier for people now than it was then. And it’s also a little more appropriate. If I was thinking about like the time frame, there were maybe cultural aspects of living back then that would have frowned upon trying to go meet people in the same way that people do now.

Chad Garrett [00:13:30]:
Yeah, I would agree with that. And I think that there was a. Because people didn’t have this massive digital community to be a part of, they were more plugged into their local communities, like the physical communities around them. And those physical communities are far more likely to hold you accountable to the commitment that you’ve made to a significant other.

Modern Relationships: Expanding Partner Roles

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:49]:
So yes, and on top of that, because they were more community oriented, they had other avenues for support. This is in like our modern, modern day relationships. My romantic partner is filling way more roles than they ever had to fill in previous decades, you know, and potentially centuries. Like, my romantic partner now is my largest social Support, Especially if you think during this time with COVID like, this is the person that I hang out with now.

You know, it’s not just the person that I raise a family with or have sex with or date, but now they’re also my friend and my best friend and the person who provides emotional support and comfort for me and the person that I hang out with. Whereas in the past, someone didn’t have to fill all of those roles because there was more of a community atmosphere where people could get those needs met, those needs met in other places with friends, neighbors, and in sort of a non sexual way.

Chad Garrett [00:14:58]:
I agree. And I think that there are benefits and merits to both that time period and this time period. And I think that if we can somehow get our culture to a point where we can find a happy marriage of the two getting back into our local communities, but still preserving the multiple roles that. That different partners are filling nowadays, I think that that would be a really nice place to see our culture. Our culture slide into.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:23]:
I. I agree. Yeah. But I think that’s part of what makes long distance especially hard now is. And I, you know, my spouse and I were long distance for a year and a half and that was very, very painful. And. Yeah. Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:41]:
And we still saw each other at least once a month. And there were times. Tell him. I almost feel like it would be easier if I could go an extended period of time without seeing you. But when I see you, I like, I. Everything’s great. Yeah, everything’s great.

Chad Garrett [00:15:59]:
All the world’s worries go, go away.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:01]:
Yeah, it’s. It’s wonderful. And I’m grateful that we live in today’s time where I can do that. And at the same time, it’s hard readjusting to the absence so frequently.

Chad Garrett [00:16:15]:
I agree. And that was the. Whenever I. So one of the things that a lot of people don’t really look at whenever they come to military relationships is the amount of time that people spend in training. Especially if you’re in the special operations community or if you get reclassed out of any job that extends your time being in training. If you’re a linguist, you spend a ton of time in school. And so whenever you’re spending all of this time in school. So I spent the better part of two years in training whenever I joined the military, and only, only eight weeks of that was in basic.

Chad Garrett [00:16:48]:
And so we had. In that year and a half.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:52]:
I was just thinking, if you’re in a relationship, when your partner joins the military, if they’re in training for two Years. Then you could be long distance for two years.

Chad Garrett [00:17:00]:
I watched a ton of my, my teammates go through something like that. It was, it was intense to watch them deal with girlfriends, wives. One of our guys got got special leave approved to to fly home for a weekend to get married and then he had to fly right back. Didn’t even get to go on his honeymoon. But.

And also there are certain cultural aspects of different, different parts of the military where like said guy that, that flew home to, to get married, our chief signed off on it. Our chief supported him in, in that endeavor, but he also gave him a really crap time about it and tried to convince him not to get married. Like I.

Chad Garrett [00:17:40]:
You get both sides of the spectrum. You get really, you get complications that you wouldn’t really expect. I think is where I’m trying to go with that. When you join the military, you don’t expect that your teammates are going to be trying to convince you to get out of a relationship. Right. Like that’s not the first thing that you think of.

You think that your boys are going to be supportive that you got a girl back home. You’re going to be writing it, writing each other and you’re going to be talking to each other and it’s going to be like this, the reunions are going to be super romantic like you see on YouTube.

Chad Garrett [00:18:09]:
And, and the reality is that there are some people in the military, they’re gonna be like, bro, why are you getting married for?

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:15]:
Yeah. Which is interesting coming from like a spouse perspective of this push to be like family oriented and like support spouses and make sure the family unit is strong to support the military member. It’s very conflicting. And I hear that that’s not the first time I’ve heard someone say that. Couples coming to work with me or individuals coming for individual therapy, they’ll often talk about how there are people that they work with who they rely on for support. Right. That’s where they get community and their community is that maybe is not being supportive in the area of a romantic relationship or family life.

Importance of Workplace Community

Chad Garrett [00:19:02]:
Yeah, I completely agree with this. From another perspective that you spend so much time at work that if you are not engaging with those that you work with in a community type aspect, you’re doing yourself a disservice because you’re around those people almost more than you’re around your, your actual family.

When you think about it, if you’re working eight to 10 hours a day, you account for time to sleep whenever you get home, you’re spending more time at work than you do with your. Your significant other, with your kids, with whoever. And that takes a toll on you, Especially if we go into the perspective that you were going into with your husband about that’s your main support role and social role, especially in the times of COVID

And if you’re spending the majority of your time away from that individual and you’re choosing not to engage in a community type aspect with those that are around you or if that community is toxic, which is, I think worse in my opinion.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:06]:
Absolutely.

Chad Garrett [00:20:07]:
That just adds undue stress to a relationship.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:11]:
I 100% agree. Like, we all need a sense of community. And while I do think that my romantic partner should be my primary support system, it, it really can’t be the only one. Everybody needs a sense of community. And you’re, you’re right. Especially in the military and the service member being there so often at work, especially if they’re very work oriented and wanting to progress in their career, they develop these really strong bonds and relationships with their co workers.

And that can be a great source of support as long as it’s a conducive environment and not toxic. If it, if it is a toxic environment, then it may actually cause problems for mental health or it may cause problems in the relationship.

Chad Garrett [00:21:00]:
I’m going to speak from a personal perspective here, but I’m sure that there are plenty of men that can, that can relate with this, and that is that I’m Mr. Fix It In a relationship. I go into a relationship, a relationship. There are other men that have this, the same perspective. There are times where women don’t want to be, don’t want to fix the problem. They just want you to listen. And as Mr. Fix It in the relationship, if you don’t come to me at the beginning of a conversation and tell me, I just need you to listen, then I’m going to try and fix the problem.

Chad Garrett [00:21:48]:
And I would start trying to formulate issues and oftentimes that just adds stress too. And so when you compare the long work hours and the amount of time that is spent away, and as you were saying, trying to be a support system and trying to have this perspective of Mr. Fix it, like, guys, we’re not superheroes and ladies, your spouse isn’t a superhero.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:14]:
Well, hold up, hold up. I, I don’t think, I don’t think that they’re expecting their spouse to be a superhero. So I can, I can understand why you say that.

Chad Garrett [00:22:26]:
Not. Yes, not. Not always. I say, I say that in half. Jazz.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:29]:
Yeah. It’s not just. It’s not just men. This happens all the time with the couples that, that come see me for couples therapy is that one of them is person. Fix it Mr. Or Mrs. Fix it. It’s.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:40]:
It’s not always. It’s not always the guy.

Chad Garrett [00:22:43]:
Right, right, right. Yeah. It doesn’t always. I agree with this. It doesn’t always have to be the guy.

Emotional Support Vs. Fixing Issues

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:47]:
Sometimes that’s because the partner A is not sending a very clear message about what they want and that what they’re looking for is support and comfort. And sometimes they, the one spouse could be sending a pretty clear message. But the fix it spouse will sometimes feel overwhelmed by the emotional expression or by the idea of providing support to partner A.

And I find that a lot is that fixing it is either coming from not understanding what the partner is actually asking for, either because they didn’t explain it clearly or it got mixed around in the communication somehow, or because it’s overwhelming. It’s easier to fix it and move on. Versus comforting. Especially when people grew up in families that didn’t talk about emotional experiences or they didn’t show comfort. Even more so if there was abuse in childhood and they, there was no one there to comfort, they may not have learned what comfort feels like or how to comfort others.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:57]:
And almost always, I want to say like 80%. That’s not a, that’s not like a researched statistic number. That’s just like my gut feeling, just for clarity, is that most of the time when a partner comes to you and you feel the urge to fix it, what they’re really wanting is comfort and support. But yeah, I can really understand that. Comes up all the time. And there’s a desire to fix it because you love this person in front of you. Of course you want fix it. You don’t want to see them in pain or you don’t want to see them in a negative situation that they’re in.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:35]:
That makes so much sense.

Chad Garrett [00:24:38]:
This is correct. So back to the. To the training thing. The reason why I got into the. Into the topic of training is that was the, that was the other relationship prior to my second most recent relationship. So going, going back a step before the meeting, the young girl through dance, this young or this young lady through dance.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:59]:
I should say thanks for taking us back there. We went down a little road. So thanks for pulling us back.

Chad Garrett [00:25:04]:
Yeah, of course. Of course. I was seeing. I went through a couple, two. Two pretty serious relationships while I was in training. And the more recent one happened while I was in Biloxi, Mississippi for the. It training that I went through, me and this girl. So anyone that knows me knows that I’m a pretty.

Chad Garrett [00:25:30]:
I wear my geek on my sleeve. So I’m into video games and anime and weird things like K Pop and all this other stuff. And for once in my life I found somebody that kind of jived with me on that level. And to, to give you an idea, like me and this, this young lady were serious enough to where we actually went through a, a couple’s counseling type of thing.

Not because we were having issues with each other, but because we wanted to try and prepare for the long distance relationship that was coming. Because I was getting stationed in Virginia and she was going to Osan, Korea. She didn’t even make it to Osan before we broke up. And a lot of that is just because I was like, hey, I just need you to chill.

Navigating Long-Distance Relationship Challenges

Chad Garrett [00:26:24]:
Like, I was very transparent with this young lady being like, like the distance is going to be hard enough. We just have to be chill and relax and take it step by step, day by day, and we’ll just figure it out as we go. But if we stress each other out with this thing, it’s not going to work out. I had been through enough long distance relationships even at the age of 24 in my life to or 23 at the time. I should say to know that like, if you put undue stress on the relationship, like, like the distance is going to stress you out enough.

If you’re putting extra undue stress on the relationship, it’s just not going to work. Well, when I left, so did some of her other friends and she slipped into, I, I wouldn’t want to call it depression, but she definitely got really emotional and just, yeah, just very, very, very sad. Definitely some, some emotional distress.

Chad Garrett [00:27:22]:
And she got help with that. She went through the chaplain, the chaplain’s core, to get, to get help with that. But the emotional distress that she went through in that period, I think is one. It was a catalyst to her not being able to sort of heed my desire to just take things easy and, and go step by step, not worry about what’s happening with things. And it eventually led to the, to the particular downfall of that relationship. So that’s just another example of how distance compounds issues. If there’s an issue in the relationship, I have found that distance takes it and like multiplies it by three.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:01]:
I think as you’re talking about that, what comes to my mind is that we all need like security, safety and security in the relationship and a confidence in the relationship that it’s solid and it’s gonna last. And especially with long distance.

Chad Garrett [00:28:19]:
Yes.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:20]:
And if I don’t, if you guys weren’t engaged or if, if it hadn’t gotten to that point of like, seriousness or, or committedness, then there could have been, I’m imagining there could have been a lot of anxiety about is this person really going to be there for me? Can I count on them? What sort of assurances do I have going forward into this long distance relationship that we’re going to be okay? And if, if that was the case, then I could see how that would also put a lot of pressure on the relationship, which is exactly what you didn’t want.

Chad Garrett [00:28:55]:
Yeah.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:56]:
And it, it probably comes from that feeling of like a lack of security.

Chad Garrett [00:29:03]:
And if you, if you know me at all, you know that I’m a very busy individual and I’m not going to just try. I don’t want to paint this as though I’m inf. Fallible. I’m not. I, I, There are things that I could have done. Like, I could have communicated with her better and I could have spent more time on the phone. I could have made more time for her in certain ways and aspects. But being away from the training realm and getting back to real life was a huge boon for me and I, I jumped at it, you know, like a lion on a gazelle in the Serengeti.

Chad Garrett [00:29:34]:
Right. Like, I was, I, I was after it. And if you know me at all, you know that I am busy. Right. I am active duty military. I’m a officer in my Toastmasters club. Because public speaking is a huge part of doing the podcasting and everything. I’m writing multiple books.

Cost-Effective Strategies for Entrepreneurs

Chad Garrett [00:29:52]:
I’m trying to run the networking the side of the company to make sure that we have interviews, that we have special guests coming on to the show. I’m building set pieces rather than resourcing out to get things built for our sets. I go out and I build them myself so that it’s more cost effective for us.

Because I don’t have a ton of money to, to be able to build this company on. So finding innovative ways to, to save money, to be able to take that money and plug it into marketing or something like that is. Yeah, this goes back to the, I didn’t. Right. Yeah, this goes back to my ambition.

Chad Garrett [00:30:30]:
And because of the level of my ambition and how many things are required from my ambition, there would be times where I wouldn’t talk to her for a full day or, or sometimes two days because I would be go, go Go, go, go, go, go. And I just wouldn’t look at my phone. I wouldn’t think about it. And that really bothered her. That really messed with her. She needed more attention than that. And I couldn’t provide that. Or if I could have provided that, it would have.

Chad Garrett [00:30:57]:
It would have cost me attention that I was otherwise putting on different, different things. And so I did not prioritize that relationship. And that was. I. That was my fault. Like, that was completely my bad. Whenever you’re in a relationship with someone, I do believe that you, if you have a lot of things going on in your life, it is behoove of you to take time to take a step back from them and focus on your significant other. And which is one of the reasons why I think it’s.

Chad Garrett [00:31:27]:
It’s actually beneficial that I am single now, that it is extremely good place for me in my life because of the level of ambition that I, that I have and the things that are happening in my life. I don’t believe that I would have the capacity to. I would have to make sacrifices somewhere. Either I would be sacrificing my attention on my significant other or I would be sacrificing my attention on my ambition. Neither one. Neither one is beneficial to where I’m at in my life right now.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:31:55]:
Yeah, I can understand that. I. I think that’s why a lot of people wait until later in life, until after they’ve kind of launched into their careers to find serious relationships.

Perfect Age for Relationship Growth

Chad Garrett [00:32:08]:
I agree. And I think there’s this. It’s really interesting to me that there’s this sweet spot. There’s this sweet spot in your life that goes from about the time that you’re 16 till you’re about 22, where if you find someone that you think that you can grow with, that you think that you want to marry, I think that that’s a good place to get married at.

And you don’t have to get married in that time span, but meeting the individual that you want to marry, I think that that’s a good place because you’re young and you’re both still growing. And if you find someone that you can grow with, I think that that’s one of the most important elements to a relationship because you’re both going to change over time, whether you want to or not. And so you have to find someone that is, that is. That jives with you on a level of growth.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:51]:
I would maybe say that’s probably important at any age that you’re in a relationship.

Chad Garrett [00:32:57]:
Correct.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:32:57]:
Like, even if you’re in your 40s or your 50s or your 60s, having somebody that can grow and change with you, who’s not so rigid and in staying exactly the same, but who’s open to change and movement with you is really important.

Chad Garrett [00:33:12]:
And if you disagree with me, you feel free to push back on this a little bit. But I find that in that time period between, like, that 16 and 22, we’re naive enough to not realize what the struggles of life are like that are ahead of us, and how stressful it can be trying to figure out what direction you want to take your career path, getting established in. In whatever element of business that you’re doing so that you can actually eat. Because food is important.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:33:42]:
Yes. Shelter.

Finding Life’s Direction in Your 20s

Chad Garrett [00:33:46]:
Yeah, so. So, yeah, so shelter. And the things that. And we live in a society where all of those things require money. And so you have to figure out a way to make money so that you can have the things that you need. Once you break that threshold, there’s a time period somewhere in between the time that you turn 20 and about the time that you’re like, 24 or 26, where that dawns on you, that you really have to find a way to focus down and to set a direction for your life, and it takes a while for you to figure that out.

It wasn’t until I was late into my 22nd year of life, into my 23rd, that I realized that I wanted to be a public figure, that I wanted to do public speeches. And then that public speech path led me down the route of podcasting.

Chad Garrett [00:34:35]:
And then I realized that my true passion was actually giving people opportunities and inspiring people. And so I decided, you know what? I’m going to take my entrepreneurial spirit and I’m going to build a company that is based on inspiring people and giving people opportunities that they may not otherwise have. And I do that through the podcast, and I do that through my public speeches, and I do that through how I run my company.

But it took me years to figure out how to do that. And now that I figured it out, it’s going to take me more years to actually get established in that way. And bringing it. Bringing in another individual into my life in this period of uncertainty where all of this could come collapsing down and I could end up being homeless, is. Is quite scary.

Chad Garrett [00:35:17]:
And I think that that’s quite scary for anyone. I think that that’s one of the reasons why, in that first relationship that we talked about, why my ambition was such a big catalyst. Because as you were talking about before, individuals require safety. They require security, they require confidence in the relationship. And that doesn’t just come from an emotional perspective. It also comes from a financial perspective. Any intelligent human being wants to know that they’re not going to marry someone that mismanages their money or that is going to end up. Up causing them to be.

Chad Garrett [00:35:47]:
To be homeless.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:35:48]:
Yeah, I would, I would agree. Yeah. There you. And it comes maybe down to I need to know that you care about me enough that you’re not gonna do things that are going to harm us and that would lead to us being homeless.

Chad Garrett [00:36:05]:
Right. And I’m the type of individual where, if things started, I, I might give up on an ambition sooner than I would otherwise. If I’m in a relationship and I have to take care of that other person, I’m a hopeless romantic and I’m a firm believer that chivalry isn’t dead. And so because of those things, I make a conscious effort when I’m in a relationship to go out of my way to try and provide those types of securities. And that often contradicts with the ambition and the direction that I want to take my life.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:36:36]:
Yeah, you only have so much energy that you can place in any, any spot. And so you can. I think people can be very ambitious and career oriented. But you’re right, if I have a relationship, some of that energy that would have been spent on my career is going to a relationship.

And if it’s not, if, if one of those is getting zero energy or very literal energy, not enough to support, support it, it’s going to flounder. And it’s okay to prioritize, like over the course of life, you know, like sometimes you prioritize work and then you prioritize a relationship. Or down the road you might prioritize kids, but you couldn’t let the relationship flounder or else it’s very unlikely to have good outcomes.

Chad Garrett [00:37:28]:
Right. And that you hit on a couple of things there. When you have kids, I think that it is important that you put emphasis on those children, but never at the expense of your relationship. Children that are raised in a household where the husband and wife come first and then the child gets to see that love and affection and grow in that are healthier typically than kids that are given whatever they want and they see their parents relationship fall apart because they have somehow become a type of divide.

And kids pick up on that. Right. Whenever this is one of the other things, whenever you’re picking a significant other, one of the first things that you have to establish is do you want kids and if so, how do you want to raise, raise those kids? Because if there’s a divide in that, that is going to cause immense amounts of stress in your relationship.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:38:18]:
Yeah. So I actually do have a research point to slide in here. About this topic is that, is that oftentimes when couples first have kids, their life sort of shifts to focusing on the kids. And it is, you know, you do have to pay attention to your kids and take care of them, but they may over focus on the kids and not focus enough on the relationship.

And really, if you have a solid relationship with your spouse and that is going good, it’s going to also help your kids. So even oftentimes in family, in family therapy, one of the first things that we would have to do is make sure that the relationship between the spouses is good because that’s going to trickle down and impact the entire family. That being said, we’re, we’re running out of time, so we’ll have to do.

Chad Garrett [00:39:09]:
This again because we didn’t, we didn’t get to nearly everything that we wanted to talk about.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:39:14]:
No, no, we did not. But this is like every conversation we ever have.

Chad Garrett [00:39:18]:
Absolutely. This is correct. Yep.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:39:20]:
Yeah. So maybe I, I just like to ask towards the end, are there any sort of summary points if you were, if you were talking to somebody who was in the military or who was, was in a relationship that was long distance, would you have any advice that you would want to share with them, especially if it was advice that you hadn’t gotten yourself?

Chad Garrett [00:39:42]:
Yeah. Yeah. No. Point number one is definitely be careful who you’re spending time around. They’re in the military, just as there is with, with regular life. There are going to be good people and they’re going to be bad people. And who you choose to spend your time around is going to directly impact your thought process. Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future type of, type of idea.

Optimal Relationship Advice: Choose Supportive Friends

Chad Garrett [00:40:05]:
If you’re, the people that you’re spending your time around are feeding into your relationship and are a good support system and are like, hey man, you have a friend and they’re like, hey man, when’s the last time that you took your wife on a date? Right.

That’s the type of people that you want to be around. In the same vein, if you’re around people like that chief that was a part of us and he’s trying to convince you not to get married, the amount of stress and the amount of thoughts that are going to be running through the back of your head, whether you want them to or not are going to be negative and that is going to have a negative impact on your relationship. So be careful who you spend your time around. That’s point number one.

Point number two Long distance, whether it’s because of a deployment, whether it is because of TDY or restationing, whatever it might be, is going to take any issues that you have and it’s going to multiply them by three times, four times, maybe more. If you’re going into a long distance relationship from a dating perspective, be extremely transparent and over communicate so that you know exactly what to expect. And if you’re about to go on a TDY or a deployment, get all of your pain points.

Chad Garrett [00:41:18]:
Get as many of them ironed out as you can before you leave because those whatever issues that you have whenever you leave are going to fester in both you and your significant other while you are gone.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:29]:
I love those. I love those takeaways. Yeah. So thank you. And thank you Chad for just being a guest on this podcast sharing about your story. I have really enjoyed it and yeah, I’m also looking forward to doing this again with you at some point.

Chad Garrett [00:41:44]:
Thanks for having me.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:41:54]:
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so Please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our FREE 10-week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.