5 Signs You're In a Happy Relationship

Episode Summary of “5 Signs You’re In a Happy Relationship”

Welcome back, wonderful listeners, to another episode of The Communicate & Connect Podcast, the essential resource for nurturing military relationships. I’m Elizabeth Polinsky, your host and a dedicated military marriage counselor. Today, we’re diving into a compelling and insightful topic: Episode 005 “5 Signs You’re In a Happy Relationship.”

Drawing from my personal and professional journey, where I transitioned from relationship struggles to becoming a couples therapist, I’m excited to share evidence-based insights with you. This episode is particularly designed for those who might feel disconnected due to the nature of military life. We’ll be unpacking the five key indicators of a happy relationship: effective communication, emotional connection, responsiveness to bids for attention, the role of kindness, and the vital importance of addressing sexual satisfaction.

We’ll explore how a positive communication ratio, clear messages, and emotional safety set the foundation for happiness. Discover why responding to your partner’s bids for connection is critical and how kindness, naturally stemming from empathy, can strengthen your bond. We’ll discuss the importance of owning your issues and seeking therapy, as well as the intertwined relationship between sexual and emotional satisfaction.

Stick around until the end, where I’ll offer a practical challenge to help you apply these insights to your own relationship. Don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe to ensure you never miss future episodes. Let’s dive in and explore the art and science of maintaining a happy, thriving relationship, even amidst the unique challenges of military life.

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Episode Transcript for “5 Signs You’re In a Happy Relationship”

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:01]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.connecticateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for Military Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast.

And if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships. This is episode five, five signs you’re in a happy relationship. So I realized that a lot of people listening to this podcast don’t know me very well.

In fact, I kind of designed this podcast to be a resource for for couples who might be all over the world, who may be in different places due to the military, or who are long distance, who really might not have a chance to work with me because they aren’t living in a place where I’m providing therapy services. And so I really wanted a resource for a much wider audience.

And so since a lot of you probably don’t know much about me at all, I want to make sure that I tell you guys about me and that you get a chance to get to know me. And one of the things that really motivated me to become a couples therapist and even to start this podcast is that for a very long time I felt like I was floundering around in the dark while trying to make relationships work. And I lost two fiances as a result of that and countless other relationships that didn’t work out.

I was cheated on once. Lots of different things have happened and I just really struggled. I had no idea how to have a good relationship, how to pick a better partner, if the problems in the relationships were because of me or if they were because of my partner, or if they were just a fluke and just happened to be the circumstances that we had run into and not knowing if I could have something better.

Identifying good relationship signs benefits everyone.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:07]:
I didn’t have a lot of great role models in regards to relationships, and I didn’t even know if what I was experiencing was considered a good relationship or a bad relationship or maybe a neutral relationship. Was there even a better relationship out there? I kept having these negative things happen that were really painful in relationships, and yet I didn’t know if I needed to just kind of suck it up and accept that all relationships are painful and have their hard parts.

And really this is because I didn’t know the science behind relationships. You know, I was wondering what else could be out there and what are relationships supposed to be like? What should they look like? And I think, you know, a lot of people, people struggle with not knowing this information also. So there are a few key points that I really want to make in this episode, which is really all about what are some signs that. That you’re in a good relationship and that it’s gonna be awesome. Not that it won’t ever have its challenges or struggles, every relationship will. But what are some positive signs? So obviously, you probably guessed it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:26]:
I’m gonna talk about communication and connection. That’s my first point. My second point is gonna be that I’m gonna talk about something called responsiveness. Number three, kindness. Number four, we’re going to talk about owning your shit, which is going to be very important. And then lastly, number five, we’re going to talk about sex. So the first point for how to know if you are in a good, happy relationship is that one, you are able to communicate. And two, you have a sense of closeness and security and safety and a feeling that you can go to your partner for emotional support in the relationship.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:11]:
And so I did a whole episode on communication, and I did a whole episode on connection. And if you missed either of those, you should go back and listen to them. In regards to communication, you want a five to one positive to negative ratio of interactions. So you want five positive interactions with your partner to every one negative. So. So for a good, happy relationship, you need to really up the positives that are happening in the relationship. The second point about communication is that you gotta send clear messages. Your partner cannot read your mind.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:47]:
They do not know if they have hurt your feelings or if they stepped on your toes. And they don’t know what you want unless you tell them. And so you gotta, you gotta talk about it one, and you gotta tell them, but you also have to tell them in a way that they’re gonna hear it.

And so if you tell them in an angry way or a critical blaming way and kind of tell them, if you’re ending up saying like, how come you never do this? Why can’t you ever do this? They’re just gonna get the message that they’re not enough, that they’re screwing things up. And they never really get the fact that what you’re really longing for is closeness with them. The other common thing with communication is that people don’t really say what they mean. They hint around, and your partner is not going to get hints. And I can speak from personal experience.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:34]:
I’m raising my hand right now. I realize none of you can see me, but I’m raising my hand because if you ask anybody in my life, they will tell you. Liz does not get hints. She doesn’t get jokes. I would also probably say I’m like, the world’s worst flirter. I don’t understand FL. Flirting. I just don’t.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:54]:
I don’t get it. I’m, like, oblivious unless it’s very clearly said. So I can really relate here. But it does happen. Not just to me. It happens in a lot of couple relationships where one partner will hint that they want something, and then they’ll get mad when they’re. When their other partner doesn’t get the hint. So you gotta really be direct and send a clear message.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:16]:
So when you can communicate and you have more positive interactions than negative ones, you’re sending clear messages. That’s a great sign. Another great sign is the connection piece. And that really has to do with how you feel about your relationship. You should feel like your relationship is your home. It’s the place that you can go to for comfort and support when things are challenging in life. So those are two very, very clear signs that you are in a happy relationship. So the next one is responsiveness.

Responsiveness to bids: Understanding attention-seeking interactions.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:07:53]:
And really, it’s. It’s responsiveness to bids. So let me first start by talking about what is a bid and why would you respond to it? So a bid is anytime you or your partner are trying to get each other’s attention. So right now I’m thinking of that cartoon that goes, oh, look, squirrel. That is a bid.

I can’t remember what movie that movie or cartoon that is, but maybe if someone who’s listening to this, it’s such a common thing where everyone’s like, oh, there’s a squirrel. So if somebody knows, please comment and type and let me know what this show or movie is called where I’m remembering this from. But anytime someone gets distracted or interested, it’s kind of.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:44]:
This happens all the time. We have a lot of wildlife in our backyard, and we have this bird feeder that the squirrels really love to jump onto the bird feeder. And they can literally, like, hang on to the bird feeder with their. I guess with their toes, not. Not like, their arms. And it’s so weird.

They can like, spin around and it’s almost like they’re hanging upside down off of this bird feeder, and they do these, like, amazing crunches to, like, pull their upper body back up and hold on to the bird feeder. Anyway, I may be going on too much about this bird feeder, but there’s bird feeder in our backyard.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:26]:
The squirrels love it. They jump on it. They hang all around it. And they do some weird things with this bird feeder. And every time I see it, I get so excited and I. And I go to my husband and I say, hey, look. Look at these squirrels. Look at.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:40]:
Look what they’re doing. Or, look at this bird. I just. The other day, there was a blue jay, and I had never seen a blue jay, and I thought it looked like a blue cardinal, and it was gorgeous. And I said, hey, come look at this bird. It’s so. It’s so beautiful. Things like that are called our bids.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:58]:
I am bidding for my husband’s attention, for him to recognize and kind of pause for a second and say, oh, yeah, that’s cool, too. I think that’s cool. And kind of join with me in this little moment where we have something special and couples do this all the time. It could be a random thought, like, let’s talk about your mom, or, oh, I had this memory.

Do you remember that time that we went off to do this thing? Do you remember our first date? Things like that are bids for connection. If you or your partner are making a bid or you’re sort of saying, hey, pay attention to this fun thing. There are generally three ways that you can respond. One is, some people ignore it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:48]:
So if I said, look at that cool bird on the bird feeder, my partner could ignore it. They could be critical, and they could say, ah, that’s kind of an ugly bird. I don’t know why you’re telling me about that bird. That’s a waste of my time. If they said that, that would be pretty critical.

Or three, they could capitalize on that and they could see that as me, or in this case, in your relationship, as you or your partner really reaching for connection and reaching to join and be there together with you and reconnect, even over something so small as, like, a bird in a bird feeder. I’m hoping this is obvious, but it may not be obvious. So let’s go over it anyway.

Ignoring or criticizing partners damages relationships deeply.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:11:35]:
If you ignore your partner, if your partner says, look at this cool bird, and you are just playing on your phone, or you’re engrossed into the TV or you don’t look up at all from what you’re doing, your partner gets the message, oh, you don’t care. Your partner is going to get the message that they don’t matter to you. And that is going to be very painful. So ignoring is really not the way to go.

Secondly, criticizing is another common way that people respond. And they say, you know, even let’s say you’re hard at work, you’re working on something on your laptop or your computer, doing a report and trying to, you know, working at home, and your partner says, oh, I think it would be fun to have pizza, you know, or they say, oh, look, there’s the squirrel. You know, if you say, if you get critical and you say something like, why are you bothering me? Don’t you know that I have to do this work? You know, you just can’t ever let me finish doing what I’m doing. There are maybe a million ways that someone can be critical.

Criticism in relationships signals partner’s insignificance.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:43]:
But if, if you or your partner is responding with criticism, you know, you’re going to get the message or your partner is going to get the message that they don’t matter. I guess right now I’m feeling like this is such a huge thing that I feel like I’m saying is that if you are critical when your partner is interested in something and they really want to share it with you, they are going to get the message that they don’t matter to you. And again, that’s such a painful thing in relationships. And it’s. It’s really kind of like a relationship killer.

Anytime that your partner is getting the message that they don’t matter to you is a big negative for the relationship really detracts from the positivity. And, you know, you need the 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio, which is to kind of view it as an investment in your relationship. Is it a distraction? If you’re there at home working on your computer, writing up a report for work, or if you’re like super into the show that you’re watching, is it a distraction? Absolutely.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:48]:
And at the same time it’s your partner saying, I really wanna, I really wanna connect. I really wanna be close to you. I really wanna share this moment real fast with you. And so by you pausing, even though it’s a distraction, pausing and being like, yeah, that squirrel is doing something really weird, or, yeah, that is a really pretty blue jay that will go a long way.

Your partner then gets the message that, one, they’re worth you pausing what you’re doing to pay attention to them. And two, they get the message that they matter. Three, they get the message that you want to Connect with them. Also, you want to share the small moments and the small joys of life.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:35]:
That is point two. The second point of how you know you’re in a happy relationship is because you and your partner are both responding to each other’s bids. You’re capitalizing on them and you’re joining your partner in the small moments and saying, yeah, that is really cool. Okay, point number three, which is kindness. Kindness is so important. So kindness is really important. And it’s not hard to do because empathy is actually hardwired into our brains. Everybody has it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:14]:
Everybody, everybody can have empathy. It’s biologically there in the brain. So all you have to do is be paying attention to your partner’s emotions. You will feel empathy for them. And when you are present and engaged with your partner, you’re tuned into them and you are noticing what they’re feeling. The natural response is kindness.

So what is really the block to kindness? One, it’s not paying attention. Maybe it’s being, maybe it is being distracted, you know, really focused in on work or a TV show or, you know, distracted doing, you know, focused in doing whatever it is that you’re doing that can make it hard to redirect your attention to your partner.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:01]:
If you’re really hyper focused on something else, sometimes it’s anxiety. If I, if, if anybody. If you are feeling a lot of anxiety and you’re focused on everything that you’re imagining could go wrong in your relations, how this conversation could go wrong, it’s going to be really hard to be kind to your partner.

If you’re pretty much, if you’re focused on you, it’s going to be hard to be kind to your partner. So oftentimes I have to, I end up teaching people mindfulness skills. And one of the skills that I cover is mindfulness of others. And the key to that is to be focused on the other person instead of yourself. If you’re focused on the other person, the part of your brain that’s hardwired for empathy is going to kick in and it’s going to be easier to be kind.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:51]:
So that’s number three. If you and your partner are consistently kind to each other and tuned into each other, then that’s a great sign of a happy relationship. Number four is owning your shit. So this one I really love because here are my recommendations for you. Number one, go to therapy. Number one is go to therapy. And two is learn how to cope with anxiety. I’m laughing at this because this was maybe a problem that I had as I said at the beginning of this episode, it was very confusing to know, am I the problem? Are they the problem? Is this just situational.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:32]:
Maybe we’re not meant for each other. Maybe I picked the wrong type of partner. It’s, yeah, all over the place. But part of what was happening was I wasn’t owning my own stuff. I wasn’t aware of how I was kind of picking the same type of partner over and over again, how I was. And regardless of if they were the same type of partner, I also was interacting with people in a. In a very particular pattern because I felt anxious in the relationship and I. And I had a hard time coping with that anxiety.

Therapy benefits relationship dynamics and personal growth.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:06]:
And so going to therapy is what really, really helped. And that is, hands down, my recommendation to every single person out there is that it’s so easy, it’s so, so easy to say it’s your partner’s fault. And you may not be entirely wrong. They sure have their own shit that they need to work on too.

And some of it could be situational. Just because you are having things to work through in how you interact with people in relationships that warrant you going to therapy does not mean that your partner is absolved from any responsibility or that there aren’t, you know, unique situational stressors going on. But too often couples come to me and they tell me it’s my partner’s fault. And they’re not recognizing how what they’re doing in relationships kind of influences their partner to respond to them in the ways that they don’t like or.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:19:07]:
And, you know, that’s what I get a lot in couples therapy. And in an individual therapy, I have people who are maybe choosing the same type of partners over and over again, or they’re coping in ways that are negatively impacting their relationship, relationships that are making it hard for them to find the type of romantic relationships that they’re really wanting.

And so going to therapy is your number one key to helping you understand your role in relationships and how you’ve been approaching relationships. It can also help you cope. I talked in the last episode, so on the last one about connection. If you haven’t heard that, go check it out. I talked quite a bit about how my early childhood experiences impact whether or not I’m going to feel secure in relationships or whether I’m going to feel insecure in relationships. And so if your early childhood experiences were rough, especially with your parents or those people who were taking care of you, then it’s gonna.

Traumatic experiences harm mental health, therapy helps.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:16]:
You’re probably gonna have more depression, more anxiety. It’s gonna be really hard to cope with uncertainty in relationships. If you had rough childhood experiences and you couldn’t count on the people who were supposed to be there for you, then it’s going to be hard to cope. If you have any type of mental health diagnosis like anxiety or depression, ptsd, if you’ve encountered any sort of physical abuse or sexual abuse, then, you know, these things, they really harm, harm us as humans. These, they’re damaging to self esteem, to self worth, to self confidence, and they make it to where people feel more anxious, more depressed.

Therapy can also help you cope with that. And so that way you’re not putting that on your partner. I mean, you need to be, you need to be able to go to your partner for comfort, especially if you’re, if you’re struggling with any sort of anxiety, depression type thing, and at the same time, your partner can’t be your only way of coping.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:22]:
They will get overwhelmed with that burden. And so counseling helps you learn skills to be able to shoulder that and heal from that in order to overall, in order to help your relationship. So that is, number four is own your stuff, go to therapy, learn to cope. Now number five is the last one I’m going to talk about today, which is the role of sex. So sex in relationships is really, really important because the more satisfied you are with your sex life, that increases how satisfied you are with your relationship.

The other part that increases your sexual satisfaction is emotional connection, which is kind of why, you know, connection is so important and why this is the Communicate and Connect podcast, because it’s so significant is that emotional connection increases sexual satisfaction. Emotional connection also increases your relationship satisfaction. And the more emotionally connected you are, the more sexually satisfied you can be.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:32]:
And the more sexually satisfied you can be, the more you are satisfied with your relationship. So it’s got a very like, interesting relationship here. Emotional connection increases sex satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, and then sexual satisfaction increases your relationship satisfaction.

So if you increase your emotional connection, you can improve your sex life and your relationship. It’s that awesome. Sex is pretty important. It cannot be left out. And I think a lot of times I could go on a whole thing about how people often go try to get couples therapy by therapists who are generalist therapists and who are not actually couples therapists and maybe will do that like a whole episode on that.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:20]:
A lot of people who do couples therapists, whether they’re an actual couples therapist or whether they’re just a generalist therapist kind of working with a couple, they don’t always talk about Sex. And you really. You got to talk about sex.

So many people have grown up in an environment that told them talking about sex wasn’t okay, that something was wrong if they were not sexual enough or if they were too sexual there. You know, we get lots of messages about sex from sex is bad to sex is good to sex is good or bad. If you do it in these ways, in these positions, if you last this long, if. When you orgasm, it looks like this and sounds like that. There are so many messages about sex.

Navigating Sexual Rejection: Importance of Open Communication

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:07]:
It’s a very vulnerable topic to talk about, especially between couples. And, you know, no one wants their partner to reject them sexually. And sometimes they can feel rejected when one person’s in the mood and the other one isn’t. They can be rejected if they want to try something new and sexy and the other partner doesn’t want that.

And it’s hard to talk about. It’s so hard to talk about and go to that vulnerable place of, oh, my gosh, I felt rejected and like, you didn’t want me when you said no to sex or when you weren’t interested in doing that thing that I really wanted to do. This can be so hard. And so, one, you got to communicate about it and respond kindly to help with the connection because it’s such a huge part of a relationship.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:00]:
Let me just kind of summarize here. We were talking about five signs of a happy relationship based on the science, really based on the science of happy relationships. So, one is you got to communicate, have more positivity in your communications, and send really clear messages and connect.

Number two is you got to be responsive and capitalize on your partner’s bids for interaction and attention and connection. So basically a bid is them saying, hey, I want to have this nice little close moment with you. And you got to respond and say, yeah, that’s awesome. Number three is kindness. If you are present and paying attention, kindness will come naturally because empathy is hardwired.

Improve intimacy: communicate and empathize in relationships.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:51]:
Number four, own your stuff, go to therapy, learn to cope. Five is that sex is really important. You gotta be talking about it, and you gotta realize this is a very vulnerable thing for both of you, especially if there is a disconnect in the sexual arena for you. And so communicating about it being kind in response to the vulnerability of sharing that this is a hard thing is really important as well.

And this is ultimately what’s going to help you emotionally reconnect around sex, which is then ultimately going to improve your sex life and improve your relationship satisfaction. So the challenge for you is to capitalize on your relationship over this next week or even today. I want you to specifically look for the times where your partner says, oh look at this. Or what do you think about this? Or have you ever thought about this idea? Or you know, any time that your partner grows oh look, there’s a squirrel.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:59]:
Or says oh, that’s a cool bird. Or you know, whatever. I want you to see if you can notice the bids and start responding to them. Capitalize on the relationship bids by being responsive to them and also add in a little bit of kindness and a little bit of kindness is going to go a long way.

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our free 10 week relationship email course. This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it.

Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:09]:
While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.