How to reconnect with your partner

Episode Summary of “How to reconnect with your partner”

Welcome to another enlightening episode of The Communicate & Connect Podcast! I’m your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor with a passion for helping individuals and couples build strong, secure, and fulfilling relationships. In today’s episode, we’re diving into a topic that resonates with so many: how to reconnect with your partner. Whether you’re feeling a growing distance, struggling with miscommunication, or simply want to deepen your bond, this episode is here to guide you toward meaningful connection.

We’ll start by exploring the transformative power of secure attachment and emotional connection in relationships. A strong and supportive partnership can boost self-esteem, build confidence, and give you the resilience to tackle life’s biggest challenges together. Did you know that 60% of adults have secure attachment styles? We’ll uncover how this attachment type positively influences relationship confidence, as well as the unique challenges that arise when couples have differing attachment styles.

This episode is packed with insights into the profound ways emotionally safe and connected relationships enhance not just your mental and physical wellbeing but even your longevity. Feeling connected is essential for a thriving relationship, and we’ll unpack practical strategies for how to reconnect with your partner, even when things feel strained. From fostering vulnerability and kindness to focusing on maintaining a healthy ratio of positive to negative interactions, you’ll learn how small, intentional changes can lead to big improvements.

I’ll also share examples of common communication challenges—like criticism—and how to replace them with calm, constructive ways of expressing hurt feelings. Plus, we’ll talk about setting intentions for kindness and prioritizing emotional safety in your interactions. These simple, actionable tips are designed to help you rebuild trust, reignite intimacy, and rekindle the connection with your partner.

To help you take the next step, I’ll introduce an exciting challenge you and your partner can try to strengthen your bond. And don’t forget to check out our free 10-week relationship email course, which is packed with resources to help you improve communication and connection.

As always, a quick reminder: while I’m a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you’re ready to take action and rediscover the joy of your relationship, this episode is for you.

Don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe to stay updated with the latest episodes. Let’s get started on your journey to a deeper, more connected relationship today!

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Episode Transcript for “How to reconnect with your partner”

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:00:01]:
This podcast is sponsored by Communicate and Connect Counseling, where we have a team of therapists who provide individual couples and family therapy services, all tailored to meet the needs of military and veteran families. To learn more about our services, visit www.connecticateandconnect.com.

Welcome to the Communicate and Connect Podcast for Military Relationship with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate, review and subscribe to make sure you get all our future episodes. We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast, and if for some reason you’re not loving it, we want to know that too, because we’re committed to providing the best quality content to help you improve your relationships.

This is episode four, how to reconnect with your partner. Hello everyone. Welcome to today’s episode, which is going to be all about connection and reconnection, which is really one of the main topics for this entire podcast, the Communicate and Connect podcast.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:01:30]:
As you might guess, connection is a main point, and I’m going to start off just by explaining some about what I see as a couples therapist in my sessions. And there is a very large difference between how things feel when I’m first starting out my therapy sessions with a couple compared to when they finish, and sometimes even just in a couple of sessions and just in just a few sessions. The way that everybody feels in the room, and it’s almost like the quality of the air changes when they first start out.

There’s usually a lot of tension and everyone can feel the tension. It’s almost like if you are familiar with that phrase, you could slice the tension in the air because it’s so thick. That is often how it feels at the beginning of couples therapy, and everybody is kind of walking around on eggshell trying not to rock the boat. And that’s often where couples start off when they’re first coming to couples therapy. And then over time, as they are able to reconnect again, the feeling in the room really changes.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:02:42]:
And there’s now a feeling of warmth, sort of like a warm energy where everyone’s very zoned in and tuned in to each other. There’s a sense of closeness there and it can be a very magical experience. And it’s magical for me to witness this feeling of connection and warmth between couples again.

And it’s one of the things that I really, really love about my job. It’s so moving to help other couples feel close together again and to witness that moment where they’re connecting, they’re reconnected, and they feel close to each other again. It just. It’s very, very beautiful. I figured we should probably start off talking about what is connection and why.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:03:31]:
Why do we lose connection and how do we get it back? So the first thing is that connection is about feeling. So when I. It’s not so much about communicating, and it’s not behavior. People don’t do something specific to connect, although there are. There are lots of behaviors that could lead to connection. So sharing about your day could lead to feeling connected. Having sex could lead to feeling connected. But connection is really about my emotional experience and my partner’s emotional experience.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:04:07]:
It’s our experience together. A felt experience that my partner understands me, gets me, respects me, that this is my safe place, it’s my home. And so connection is the felt sense that my partner is there for me. And there are a couple of things that show there’s a strong connection. Last episode, I talked briefly about the 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

And so if you missed that episode on communication, you should definitely go back and listen to it. But just to recap that point, couples that are thriving and that they’re doing really well, they have five positive interactions to every negative interaction between them. And we can really compare this to couples that the research says they’re headed for divorce or separation.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:02]:
And for those couples, they have a ratio of 0.8 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction, which is just a huge difference. Couples that are headed towards breakup, divorce, those couples are having way more negative interactions than they are positive. The couples that are thriving have five times as many positive interactions between them than they do negative ones.

And so sometimes interactions can be, you know, conversations or activities. There are lots of. Lots of ways you can, like, bolster your relationship by adding in more positivity to it. But that is a sign of closeness and connection is when there’s more positive. Positive vibes, you know, positivity going on compared to the negativity.

Closeness, connection, and communication influence interaction positivity.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:05:56]:
Part of how these positive and negative interactions come about has to do with if I feel close to you. If I feel close and connected, then I’m more likely to engage with you in a positive way. And your partner, if your partner is feeling close and connected, then they are likely to interact with you in a more positive way. And if you’re feeling close and connected, you’re more likely to interact in a positive way.

So closeness and connection has a unique tie. It’s very much tied to communication that I can communicate positively or I can Communicate negatively. And it’s very much tied to behaviors in that I can interact with my partner, adding positivity into the relationship, or I could interact with them where I’m adding negativity and I’m detracting from the relationship. So these, all, these all go together, I want to say at the end of the day, but honestly, it’s really at the beginning of the day.

Attachment bond initiates close, evolutionary human relationships.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:06:58]:
How does this all start? It starts by something called an attachment bond. And so attachment bonds are like biological, evolutionary type of relationship that we create with another human being. What I mean by that is we all have a system called attachment. It’s our attachment system that we bond or create a very close relationship or a close connection to the people that we rely on.

Sometimes this is, you know, especially when you’re an infant that’s, you know, relying on the people who feed you and clothe you and make sure that you have medical care and things. And that’s what is typically parents or your primary caregivers when you’re a child. This bond in this close relationship develops as a way in childhood as an infant, develops as a way for the infant to stay close to their caregiver and for their caregiver to stay close to the infant. So what it does is it maintains the closeness to each other, both physical closeness and emotional closeness.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:08:10]:
So that way the infant’s needs can be met. So that is kind of how it all starts, is that it really starts in your childhood with your primary caregivers and you getting your needs met when you were a child. Now, the bonds that you develop as a child, there are a few different types, and I might go into that at a later time. But basically you can develop a secure bond, which is sort of like the healthiest version of an attachment bond. Or you can develop something that’s called an insecure attachment bond.

And there are multiple types of insecure attachment bonds and that can be covered in a different episode. But whether if I develop a secure bond in my childhood, the likelihood that I’ll maintain secure bonds into my adult life with other people is higher. There are some people who have secure attachment bonds to their parents.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:09:16]:
A secure relationship with your primary caregivers helps you because it provides a safe place for you to always return back home. And it also gives you more self confidence to go explore the world. And so these secure close relationships in childhood are very, very important for human development, but that’s not where they end.

People can have these types of attachment bonds and these close relationships across their lifespan. Sometimes that is to their siblings. Sometimes that could be a cousin or a very close friend, a mentor at some point in your life, a coach maybe when, if you were big into sports. And then in adult life, people often develop attachment bonds to their significant others and eventually if they get married, their spouse. And this is what we’re really concerned about.

Enhance romantic relationships for secure adult attachment.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:10:16]:
In the Communicate and Connect podcast, we can always talk about child and parent relationships and sibling relationships and we might have some fun episodes here and there about those things. But in the end, what I really want is to help you improve your romantic relationship and really have the relationships that you long for and feel close and connected and have, have a thriving relationship so you can have a healthy, secure adult attachment bond to your significant other.

And really when this, when you have this, it serves the same function as it did when you were a child to your caregiver or your parent in that when someone has this close, connected relationship to their partner, they feel like they have a home to go back to. It’s their person. If you’ve ever seen Grey’s Anatomy and Christina and Meredith, I would probably say had a secure attachment bond in that that was their person, they could go to that person for comfort when something happened in life.

And that is, that’s what you want in a romantic relationship is you want your spouse to be your person, the person you can go to for comfort when shit hits the fan in life and when things are really challenging and hard, they really should be like your primary support system. So there’s the comfort part of an attachment bond, but then there’s also the self confidence part of an attachment bond. So the more connected and safe I feel with my partner, the more confidence a person has to go explore the world.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:12:10]:
So having having a safe home to go back to, having that person who is your big source of support, who’s your cheerleader, who’s got your back, that gives people so much more self esteem and so much more self confidence to go do various things. Sometimes that’s to go back to school and start or start a new career.

Maybe that would be starting a business or applying for a promotion or taking a manager job or a job, you know, some sort of any type of job that they didn’t think was going to be possible and they’re really pushing themselves these types of things, this confidence and self esteem to go conquer the world really comes from feeling like I have a safe place to return back home to and someone who’s in my corner with me and supporting me.

And so this is an ideal type of relationship. For adults in a romantic relationship. So 60% of adults have a secure attachment style, which means that they can feel pretty confident in their relationships. However, each person has a different way of interacting. So you could, in a couple relationship, you could have one person who feels very secure and one person who feels very insecure.

Secure relationships boost health, reduce pain effectively.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:13:42]:
And sometimes this can cause problems. And then if you have two people who feel insecure, they could feel insecure in different ways, which is, you know, a topic for another time. But if you have both of them that are feeling insecure, then it makes it harder for them to connect. And so the ultimate goal is to try to build a sense of security and safety and comfort in a relationship.

So other fun facts about this are that having closeness and connection in your relationship improves your physical health, it improves your mental health, it improves your relationship with others, and it can actually improve or like decrease your physical pain. It was really fascinating. They did a study where they took couples and they told one person, okay, we’re basically going to tase you and we’re going to shock you and you can have your partner here with you while it happens and we’re just going to record your pain level. So when the person didn’t have their partner, they experienced more pain than when they did have their partner there.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:14:55]:
And when they had couples, whether they had their partner there but one partner, the relation, they, it was kind of insecure. They didn’t, they didn’t feel safe and close and connected in the relationship, they experienced more pain. But in the couples where they had this sense of safety, closeness, connection in the relationship, they really felt like they could depend on each other for emotional support.

When the partner got tased, they actually experienced less pain. This has just massive implications for physical health and mental health. People with insecure relationships tend to have more depression, more anxiety, they tend to have lower self esteem, lower self confidence. Whereas people in really safe, close, connected relationships, they feel very close. They tend to have more self esteem and more self confidence and less mental health or physical health issues.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:15:53]:
It also helps people live longer, which I thought was really cool. People in these sorts of like healthy connected relationships tend to live longer. So the ultimate goal is to have safe, close, emotionally safe and close connection where I can go to my partner for comfort. That’s the goal. Now there are often blocks to that happening.

So the first block is really if you grew up in a family where it wasn’t emotionally safe, you couldn’t get comfort from your caregivers, you probably developed an insecure attachment style which can make it hard to then trust a romantic partner to actually really be there for you. And so that could be sort of a block. Is that based on your earlier childhood experience experiences, you may find it hard to trust your partner that they’re going to be there for you.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:16:50]:
The next thing is that we all step on each other’s toes. So even in really healthy, close, connected, thriving relationships, couples still step on each other’s toes. They offend each other, they hurt each other’s feelings. That is to be expected. It is going to happen in every relationship. What matters is if you can repair afterwards and reconnect afterwards.

So some people, when they get hurt, they get protective, which is so, so natural. So if somebody actually stepped on my toes and they stomped on my foot, I would probably get very angry and I would blame them and be like, what the hell’s wrong with you? Why did you do that? Why did you hurt me? And this is what couples often do, is that someone’s feelings get hurt.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:17:43]:
They get angry. They could get critical and blaming, at which point the other partner gets defensive and they get stuck in this pattern. If one partner didn’t. If they didn’t get defensive and get angry back, then maybe they just kind of shut down, went real silent or went into another room or just kind of like, zoned out. That’s a pretty common thing that happens. But basically, we all have these protective moves. If you hurt me, I’m going to say, hey, don’t do that. That hurt.

Emotional reactions that protect feelings in relationships.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:18:13]:
But it can come out in getting critical or blaming, it could come out in trying to get my partner to do something specific. So, like, I use the example of stepping on my toes, but in the case of maybe I want my partner to do the dishes and they don’t do the dishes, I could become more pushy and demanding trying to get a partner to do the thing that I want them to do, such as dishes, because when they didn’t do the dishes, that person’s feelings were hurt. And so then they push and try to get the person to do the dishes even more.

So some patterns are getting critical and blaming, getting pushy and demanding, getting defensive and kind of critical, and then shutting down, withdrawing, zoning out, going off into a distracted place. These are the really common ways that people get protective of their emotions when their feelings get hurt or when they’re, you know, someone steps on their toes, even if it was accidental, people will respond in these very predictable ways when they’ve been hurt.

And so when couples unintentionally hurt each other’s feelings, they go into these self protective modes which just really keep them stuck. So when both partners are in self protection mode and they’re, you know, defensive, maybe one’s getting critical and blaming, another one’s getting defensive, which makes the other one more critical and more blaming, which then makes the other one more defensive. And it just goes around and around and around, which is really the third part is that couples end up repeating the pattern over and over and over, but somehow they expect different results.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:00]:
So the first one was that we have, if I could go to my caregivers in childhood, then I maybe am more trusting of people. And if I couldn’t do that, then I maybe have more insecurity going into a relationship, which makes it harder for me to really trust that someone else will be there for me. So that’s number one. Number two is that everybody, when they get their feelings hurt, hurt, they get self protective and defensive of the hurt place.

And number three, when they get self protective, it often results in these relationship patterns that are very, very difficult to break that couples continue to do over and over and over again, expecting different results, but hardly ever getting them. So I’ll go back to the example of the dishes to explain that more. Let’s say partner A. Let’s say Sally instead of partner A.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:20:53]:
We’ll give people names. So let’s say Sally really wants Joe to do the dishes. And she says, hey, Joe, will you do the dishes? And Joe says, yeah, I’m going to do the dishes. And then he doesn’t do them to Sally. This hurts her feelings. She maybe feels like she’s not important to him. He doesn’t respect her time. She may be getting like angry, thinking it’s unfair that I always have to do the dishes and I keep asking and you don’t do them.

Emotional reactions that protect feelings in relationships.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:21:21]:
And so it could really stir up a lot for her. At which point with the anger, she might get critical and say, joe, what is wrong with you? Why are you so lazy? Can’t you just do the dishes when I ask you to? At which point he gets defensive and he says, why are you criticizing me? You should do the dishes. Don’t you know that I do? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you know, we’re off to the races.

And this is the same pattern that happens over and over and over again. The thing is that Joe keeps thinking that if I keep defending myself, if I keep saying how Sally shouldn’t be blaming me and how she should recognize that I do all of these things, you know, he keeps getting defensive. But as he Keeps getting defensive. The more she wants him to see her point of view, so he stays in defensive mode to get her to see his point of view.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:22:16]:
But it doesn’t work because what she’s really wanting is for him to see her point of view. And the same thing with Sally. Sally keeps getting pushy and demanding and critical because she wants to know that he cares about her and that he cares enough to do the dishes sometimes. And when she hears his defensiveness, she just thinks he really doesn’t care. And so she tries to push more and more and more, trying to make sure that he cares.

So this is an example of how this really. Couples really get stuck in this pattern and they keep doing it. Which brings me to my last point, which is how do you break that pattern? Or even better yet, how do you prevent it in the first place if you can? And there are two things.

Kindness and vulnerability enhance relationship positivity.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:23:04]:
One is vulnerability, and the second one is kindness. Like if I go back to the ratio 5 to 1, positive to negative interactions, kindness is the key to increasing positivity in your relationship. If you go into your day thinking, how can I be kind to my partner today?

That is going to add like a lot of bursts of positivity into your relationship because you’re gonna speak kinder, you’re gonna act in kinder ways, and you’re gonna be kinder when your partner gets critical or defensive or shuts down or they have, you know, their own bad day or they’re venting. If you’ve gone in and set your intention to say, I’m gonna try to be kind, then you are able to have a kinder response to them than you would have normally. So kindness is huge. Vulnerability is huge. So part of. I’m going to go back to that dishes example.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:06]:
So part of Sally and Jo’s issue is that Sally isn’t getting vulnerable. And neither is, neither is he either. Both of them are stuck in their anger and in their self protection. But if Sally instead said, my feelings were hurt when I realized you still haven’t done the dishes, because I, I was thinking that you don’t, you don’t care. You don’t value my time, you.

And my mind just keeps saying you, you expect me to be this housewife or, and, and you don’t respect that. I have a, you know, she could explain like what, what her mind is telling her in terms of everything that it means that that happened. Let me rewind.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:24:49]:
The point is, what Sally really needs to do is to get vulnerable. She needs to be able to stand there and say, joe, my feelings were hurt when you didn’t do the dishes. I just. I came down and I saw the dishes still there, and I thought, like, you just didn’t care. And that you expect me to do it all on my own. And I. I can’t do it all on my own. And I.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:25:17]:
I really need to know that you want to be in this relationship and you want to do this relationship with me also. That level of vulnerability will be better. I realize I’m using an example about the dishes. The argument about the dishes really does come down to, are you going to be my safe, comforting space? Can I rely on you? It really is the same thing, but it’s maybe not the perfect example.

Basically, if someone steps on your toes, instead of getting critical and angry, which is such a natural reaction, but instead of doing that, you gotta get vulnerable. You gotta say, ouch, my foot really hurts. My toes really hurt because you stepped on them. And say, you know, can you give me a hug? You know, you gotta say, I hurt.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:08]:
And maybe also sometimes ask for the comfort. So this. This could happen in. In other ways too. Sometimes it’s not about the dishes. You know, maybe it’s about one partner wants sex and they. They push for sex, and the other partner doesn’t want sex. They’re just not in the mood.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:26:31]:
But to the partner who wanted sex, they may be feeling rejected. And so then they might get angry or critical or defensive, or they may shut down and go into a different room. In this example, what they need to say is, oh, you just said no to sex. And this is, you know, I’m having a lot of anxiety. It’s. I’m kind of freaking out here because I really. You know, I’m worried that you don’t even find me attractive anymore, that you don’t want me, you know, which is so hard to say. So hard to say.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:05]:
But it’s exactly what needs to happen in order to reconnect in the relationship. Because reconnection is all about vulnerability and kindness. It’s about knowing. So let me kind of summarize here. Connection is about feeling. It’s a felt sense of knowing that my partner is there for me. They care for me, they’re reliable. They’re gonna be.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:30]:
They’re gonna have my back and be in my corner. How do people know that their partner is gonna be in their corner? They know because when they’re vulnerable, their partner is there to comfort them, and they’re kind. And so this is really the key. So partner. Partner one. Sally, she’s gotta get vulnerable. And this could be Joe too. He’s got his own stuff.

Vulnerability and kindness strengthen relationship bonds.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:27:55]:
You know, both of them have to be vulnerable when they feel hurt. That way they can go to their partner for comfort. If they go into self protective mode, their partner is never going to know that what they really need is comfort. Their partner is just going to get defensive or shut down.

So you got to go vulnerable in order to get the comfort. And then when your partner gets vulnerable, you got to respond with kindness. So these are the number two. You know, the two takeaways for you for this episode is that how do you reconnect with your partner? Number one, get vulnerable, share when your feelings get hurt, but do it in a kind way instead of an angry way.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:28:43]:
And number two is kindness, which connects to number one. But you want to be kind as much as possible. Set your intention to go into your relationship with kindness and positivity. And so this is your challenge for this episode is to, is to really try to increase the positive in your relationship.

And so my challenge for you is to go do something nice for your partner, something that you know they’re going to like. And yeah, you can comment on this, like this episode. You can put it on social media and tag me when you’ve done it. I really want to hear what is the nice thing that you did for your partner to add some positivity into your relationship.

Elizabeth Polinsky [00:29:38]:
I hope you enjoyed today episode. If so, please take a second to go rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes to sign up for our free 10 week relationship email course.

This email course is really designed for people who are maybe having trouble with communication or connection in their relationship and helping them develop some quick wins right away to start improving it. While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one. Until next time.